Here I sit 4 hours left until we great a new year marveling at what this year has been. Our family has experienced a lot of ups and downs in this year. I've felt pain and sorrow that hit my soul, we have had such joy that I still cannot believe we can celebrate. So as many people think of their goals or list things they want to get down in the new year. I am not for the first time that I can recall.
I have joined millions of others who every year say I will lose the weight, or I'll do this more, or this less. And look towards the changes I can make in this next year. But after the year we have had I have learned one thing. I only get this moment once, nothing is guaranteed. There is no saying that tomorrow I will actually be here to "change" all the things I am unhappy with. Instead I'm content.
So I do not have changes this year, I have a goal. To find the beauty in the situations that meet me today. I've been doing this a lot since our Judah joined us. Life has been a bit challenging since he came. Our 3 year old has had some issues adjusting and well, having a newborn in the house is a lot of work. I've had issues with breastfeeding, I've been double teamed with the kids overnight and live on about 3 hours of sleep a night, my house is a consistent mess, and trying to make time to feed this house....well its a challenge. But as everyone asks how we are and say sorry we are tired or such, I'm not sorry. I am so insanely happy to have our son. I am happy to be up at all hours, and even tho the mess is making me nuts, its there for a reason. I will never experience my children this young again. And most likely we will never have another newborn in the house. So while its hard and I'm exhausted I will enjoy this. I will find the beauty in it, and I will rejoice in my circumstances.
Happy New Year! I hope that it brings blessings and that whatever your goals or changes are, you are able to meet them.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Mes gadol hayah po!
Had you told me 7 years ago where I would be today I would have most likely laughed at you and then in secret felt anger. That is the feeling I had when my soon to be husband told me that he "felt" we would be able to have a child in our marriage. I had for many years known that the conditions I have and medications I had been on for so long would make it impossible to have a child. I had even gone so far to ask my parents if they would welcome an adopted grandchild when the time came. But no, my husband he had a feeling. A feeling that I did not understand, that I was angered to hear, because it took so much to be content in the fact that I would never bear a child from my womb.
Soon after getting married we did conceive a baby, and to our broken heart that baby was taken from us. I thought yes this confirms my knowledge that I was not to carry a child. Yet a couple years later my husband and I decided to try for a baby and began looking into adoption. We had began filing paper work out for fostering when I became pregnant the first month we tried. The pregnancy was rough, so many things happened that year, but that December we welcomed our Tahlia into the world. I was content. I felt a pang of sadness for her that she would most likely not have siblings. I had grown up with many siblings and the thought of her never having similar experiences was fighting to the death or making up games or having a person to tell secrets broke my heart. But for the first time I had hope that if I was able to carry a child I would again be able to carry a child.
So over the next 2.5 years after our daughter was born my husband and I tried to have another baby. Our first pregnancy after we lost, and then the second, then we had the talk. At this point we had lost 3 babies in our marriage, and began to talk about how much longer we were willing to try and lose. We decided 5 would be our number, it seemed such a large number that we would never get there. I never imagined that someone could lose that much. As those 2.5 years continued it became harder and harder to get pregnant, and after our 4th loss we had some testing done. They found I had an imbalance of hormones that could not be corrected, but essentially meant I would have issues getting pregnant and if I did happen to get pregnant it was highly likely the baby would be lost or would have chromosome issues. We got this news the beginning of December 2011. I mourned that Christmas for my family, for my daughter, for myself and the babies I never got to held. My husband still had faith and we continued to try, and got pregnant the end of January. However we again had to say goodbye too soon. We somehow had lost 5 babies. It is a pain I didn't know existed or a pain that I had no idea someone could still stand through. We had reached 5, it was over. I had a peace about the end, a peace that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of loss again, a peace that I wouldn't feel the stress of trying for a baby again, however, the sadness that this was the way our story had ended was overwhelming.
We did not have much time to process our fifth loss, March was so busy. Between work and helping plan my baby brother's wedding it was nonstop. Weeks passed and April 2nd rolled around. It rolled around with weird symptoms so to ease my mind I picked up a pregnancy test to take once I got to work. I had reasoned with myself that there was no way I would be pregnant, but I needed to see it to get it out of my mind. I had never gotten pregnant right after a loss, we had been careful, and it wouldn't happen. That was the biggest surprise of my life. I have never seen a more positive test in my entire life. I was scared, I was sad and I was so angry. I couldn't be excited because I knew how this would end! I knew that after being pregnant 4 times in a row and saying goodbye each time I wouldn't keep this baby, I would again be saying goodbye and I was angry. How could God do this to me?! What had I done to have to endure this pain over and over?!
Mes gadol hayah po....a miracle happened here. A year after being told I couldn't get pregnant and if I did I wouldn't carry a healthy pregnancy I am sitting 6 hours from meeting my son, who fittingly is being born during Hanukkah. God had not punished me that April, he showed me he was in control and that our story was not meant to end in pain, it was meant to end in rejoicing. Today I mourn my babies who I didn't meet, but I celebrate the life I have struggled to carry for the past 40wks. I am overwhelmed with the blessing of my son, I am overwhelmed with the thought that I was blessed to have another baby, I am overwhelmed. I will in 6 hours be meeting my son, my son, the son who is not suppose to medically exist, the son who surprised me and through the journey of this pregnancy has changed me so much. I am not in control, and as much as I would like to think at times I am, it is better that I am not. I have been hammered and thrown in the coals and I am no longer the same person I was a year ago, 6 months ago. My Judah Azariah....my blessing....my son! We name him Judah because it means, "Thankful" and Azariah because it means, "God has helped."
So today, the second day of Hanukkah we scream, "Mes gadol hayah po!" because God has helped and blessed our family with a miracle in this time of remembering the miracles he has done and continues to do.
Soon after getting married we did conceive a baby, and to our broken heart that baby was taken from us. I thought yes this confirms my knowledge that I was not to carry a child. Yet a couple years later my husband and I decided to try for a baby and began looking into adoption. We had began filing paper work out for fostering when I became pregnant the first month we tried. The pregnancy was rough, so many things happened that year, but that December we welcomed our Tahlia into the world. I was content. I felt a pang of sadness for her that she would most likely not have siblings. I had grown up with many siblings and the thought of her never having similar experiences was fighting to the death or making up games or having a person to tell secrets broke my heart. But for the first time I had hope that if I was able to carry a child I would again be able to carry a child.
So over the next 2.5 years after our daughter was born my husband and I tried to have another baby. Our first pregnancy after we lost, and then the second, then we had the talk. At this point we had lost 3 babies in our marriage, and began to talk about how much longer we were willing to try and lose. We decided 5 would be our number, it seemed such a large number that we would never get there. I never imagined that someone could lose that much. As those 2.5 years continued it became harder and harder to get pregnant, and after our 4th loss we had some testing done. They found I had an imbalance of hormones that could not be corrected, but essentially meant I would have issues getting pregnant and if I did happen to get pregnant it was highly likely the baby would be lost or would have chromosome issues. We got this news the beginning of December 2011. I mourned that Christmas for my family, for my daughter, for myself and the babies I never got to held. My husband still had faith and we continued to try, and got pregnant the end of January. However we again had to say goodbye too soon. We somehow had lost 5 babies. It is a pain I didn't know existed or a pain that I had no idea someone could still stand through. We had reached 5, it was over. I had a peace about the end, a peace that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of loss again, a peace that I wouldn't feel the stress of trying for a baby again, however, the sadness that this was the way our story had ended was overwhelming.
We did not have much time to process our fifth loss, March was so busy. Between work and helping plan my baby brother's wedding it was nonstop. Weeks passed and April 2nd rolled around. It rolled around with weird symptoms so to ease my mind I picked up a pregnancy test to take once I got to work. I had reasoned with myself that there was no way I would be pregnant, but I needed to see it to get it out of my mind. I had never gotten pregnant right after a loss, we had been careful, and it wouldn't happen. That was the biggest surprise of my life. I have never seen a more positive test in my entire life. I was scared, I was sad and I was so angry. I couldn't be excited because I knew how this would end! I knew that after being pregnant 4 times in a row and saying goodbye each time I wouldn't keep this baby, I would again be saying goodbye and I was angry. How could God do this to me?! What had I done to have to endure this pain over and over?!
Mes gadol hayah po....a miracle happened here. A year after being told I couldn't get pregnant and if I did I wouldn't carry a healthy pregnancy I am sitting 6 hours from meeting my son, who fittingly is being born during Hanukkah. God had not punished me that April, he showed me he was in control and that our story was not meant to end in pain, it was meant to end in rejoicing. Today I mourn my babies who I didn't meet, but I celebrate the life I have struggled to carry for the past 40wks. I am overwhelmed with the blessing of my son, I am overwhelmed with the thought that I was blessed to have another baby, I am overwhelmed. I will in 6 hours be meeting my son, my son, the son who is not suppose to medically exist, the son who surprised me and through the journey of this pregnancy has changed me so much. I am not in control, and as much as I would like to think at times I am, it is better that I am not. I have been hammered and thrown in the coals and I am no longer the same person I was a year ago, 6 months ago. My Judah Azariah....my blessing....my son! We name him Judah because it means, "Thankful" and Azariah because it means, "God has helped."
So today, the second day of Hanukkah we scream, "Mes gadol hayah po!" because God has helped and blessed our family with a miracle in this time of remembering the miracles he has done and continues to do.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Bed Rest Day 15
I can't believe I've been on bed rest for 15 days now. It feels like forever to be honest. I'm tired of not feeling like mom and wife mostly. This morning was particularly rough. My daughter was so displeased with everything. Dad got her set up with breakfast and a drink and then hugs and kisses and off to work. I got her play dough before laying on the couch and then went and laid down. However as soon as I did the whining began, she needed a new drink, she didn't want her breakfast, she wanted a snack, everything put her into tears. And here I am, I tend to get up more than I should because well, lunches have to be made, even if its quick its up, drinks have to be refilled, and even if you try to time it out it doesn't always work. But I do try to stay immobile the longest time possible that I can. And considering I think I do a pretty darn good job.
Over the past 15 days, we had thanksgiving which as a lot of work, I ended up being up a lot of the day, but I was good the following days. Husband has done well to get dinner for us when he gets home from work, tho the exhaustion on his face is unavoidable. Our daughter has done pretty good. But I do wish I could get up and play with her. We have done a lot of playing while I lay down, but its not expelling energy in the way she should. I am happy she has the one day of preschool a week, or else she really wouldn't have any physical challenges other than the hour or so that hubby chases her around the house.
Its been hard, mentally, physically and emotionally. I go into the doc again tomorrow and hope to spend the remainder of my pregnancy upright.
Over the past 15 days, we had thanksgiving which as a lot of work, I ended up being up a lot of the day, but I was good the following days. Husband has done well to get dinner for us when he gets home from work, tho the exhaustion on his face is unavoidable. Our daughter has done pretty good. But I do wish I could get up and play with her. We have done a lot of playing while I lay down, but its not expelling energy in the way she should. I am happy she has the one day of preschool a week, or else she really wouldn't have any physical challenges other than the hour or so that hubby chases her around the house.
Its been hard, mentally, physically and emotionally. I go into the doc again tomorrow and hope to spend the remainder of my pregnancy upright.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Bed Rest Day 6
Here we are almost a week into bed rest. We made it through daddy being at work just fine yesterday. Did lots of art stuff and played with her baby dolls. Daddy came home to a happy little girl and an OK mommy and a HUGE mess in the living room. So we being the second day of daddy being at work... I really don't have plans, just come up as we go. Our daughter woke up and told daddy that mommy had to stay in bed because the doctor said and could only go potty and take showers all the time. Sweet girl.
Mentally I don't know what I would do without my daughter right now. When they went to church Sunday and left the house for 5 hours I was having such a rough time. Not having any routine or normal made me miserable and I found myself in tears much of that time. But yesterday she kept me going. I had to stay mentally productive if nothing else to be able to keep her going. It wasn't always easy but in the end she was a happy little girl and I wasn't bawling. I am going completely stir crazy and want to get up and do my chores and cook dinner for my family. I've always been good about keeping the house in order and having dinner ready by the time hubby walks in the door. Watching him come in tired to a mess and finish dinner that he began before work kills my soul. But he does it with a smile and very lovingly. We have 20 more days of bed rest until our schedule c-section. However I'm praying hard that this baby decides to come sooner, or that bed rest can become modified. Something, some kind of break.
Mentally I don't know what I would do without my daughter right now. When they went to church Sunday and left the house for 5 hours I was having such a rough time. Not having any routine or normal made me miserable and I found myself in tears much of that time. But yesterday she kept me going. I had to stay mentally productive if nothing else to be able to keep her going. It wasn't always easy but in the end she was a happy little girl and I wasn't bawling. I am going completely stir crazy and want to get up and do my chores and cook dinner for my family. I've always been good about keeping the house in order and having dinner ready by the time hubby walks in the door. Watching him come in tired to a mess and finish dinner that he began before work kills my soul. But he does it with a smile and very lovingly. We have 20 more days of bed rest until our schedule c-section. However I'm praying hard that this baby decides to come sooner, or that bed rest can become modified. Something, some kind of break.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
I have a feeling...
Monday night my husband came home telling me he had a feeling something big was going to happen. I have grown to loath when he says this because 99% of the time his feeling comes true. I am someone who wants to know how and when things will happen and all the ins and outs. "Feelings" are annoying, and vague and I can't stand them. So we went on with our week. Tuesday I got some cleaning done around the house and played with our daughter. Wednesday I got most of thanksgiving shopping done and a surprise lunch outing with our daughter. Then Thursday hit. Began like any other day, I got up and got my daughter and I dressed and walked out the door because today was her day at preschool and I had an OB apt. Drop her off and get to my apt early, end up sitting in the waiting room for 45 minutes and get called back to ultrasound room. Baby was healthy and VERY large for his age, but doing pretty good. Then they take me back to do blood pressure and urine and to see the doc. That is when things began going down hill. I have had a couple of bad readings of blood pressure my last apts and this time it was very high. I was rushed through my visit and sent directly to the hospital for a possible over night watch. The hospital was rough and long, I was kept over night and then I was discharged on bed rest. I have pregnancy induced hypertension and will have to remain on bed rest the remaining portion of the pregnancy.
At this point I have completed 4 days of bed rest and feel I'm going nuts. I have a constant head ache that is killing me. Hubby heads back to work tomorrow and the real fun begins because we have no one who is willing to help or anyone who has time to come and help with our daughter. It will be an adventure! And thanksgiving is this week. My prayer is he comes this week. Anytime this week, I just want him to come!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Tribute to Our Angels
Last night we lit a candle with many other people around the world. To shine a light on the pain that so often is silently endured by families. I had numerous friends who have never personally experienced this loss light candles for angels too. It was remarkable and touching to see so many do something that seems so insignificant and have it mean so much to so many.
In our area there are not any events for this, but several places release balloons with names of babies who have been taken too soon. A dear women from Still Birthday offered to include anyone who sent her a name on balloons in their event. So last night as I watched my candle flicker and shed a tear for our angels, she was sending a balloon up in our place. She has also listed the babies who's families were unable to come. http://www.stillbirthday.com/2012/10/16/we-still-have-work/
I am touched by the amount of support I saw last night. I am touched that so many care. I am touched that even tho these women had no physical attachment to my baby angels they still care about them.
In our area there are not any events for this, but several places release balloons with names of babies who have been taken too soon. A dear women from Still Birthday offered to include anyone who sent her a name on balloons in their event. So last night as I watched my candle flicker and shed a tear for our angels, she was sending a balloon up in our place. She has also listed the babies who's families were unable to come. http://www.stillbirthday.com/2012/10/16/we-still-have-work/
I am touched by the amount of support I saw last night. I am touched that so many care. I am touched that even tho these women had no physical attachment to my baby angels they still care about them.
Monday, October 15, 2012
I Remember....
I remember when I took my first pregnancy test Jan 2007, the fear and the pain I felt knowing that this little baby inside of me had no chance in the world because of medication I was on. I remember feeling alone, I remember crying and curling up in a ball on the bathroom floor, and trembling when I told my husband. I remember right after I had lost the baby becoming so inconsolable that my husband called my mom over who held me not knowing what was going on. I remember feeling alone. We didn't talk to anyone about our loss for a year. We didn't talk to each other about that baby.
I remember when I took another test in April 2009, we had decided to try for a baby, and the test was positive. But full of fear and excitement we ran and began telling people about the baby I was growing inside of me. My husband and I were afraid but as soon as we passed the 7 week mark, passed the only milestone we had ever known, a loss, we felt good and relieved about our pregnancy. Many rough months later, Dec 2009 we had a rainbow miracle baby in our arms. She was perfect and we loved her so much.
I remember May 2010 when we found out we were pregnant again unexpectedly. I was confused and scared because my baby girl was only 5 months old, but I was excited and happy. My husband was terrified lol, but he was happy. We got to hold that baby until I was just past 5wks pregnant and that baby was taken away too soon. I remember when they bleeding happened, the cramping and the emotional pain. I knew what I was losing this time, I could look into my daughter's face and know that her sibling would have looked somewhat like this. It was horrific. I again felt alone. I did tell my mom this time and she said she was sorry, but nothing else was said or done.
I remember Feb 2011 when we had begun trying again for a baby. We had found out the beginning of the month that we were pregnant with that baby. We thought of telling everyone Valentines day of our miracle, never did we dream that the day before we planned to tell we would be saying goodbye. I again curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, only this time my husband was crying with me.
I remember July 2011 when we found out we again had gotten pregnant, this time we had only fear. I wanted to hold and to love this baby, but something inside knew it wasn't going to happen. I said goodbye to that baby at just over 5wks pregnant. My husband and I began talking about not trying, that maybe after all we were only suppose to have our daughter. We clung to her and cried. Looked in her sweet face and knew the love we shared and cried even more.
I remember Feb 2012 after getting the devastating news in Dec that we would most likely be unable to conceive a child, and if we did the child had little chance of making it that we were pregnant. I got sick so quickly with that pregnancy, I had more and more hope as each day passed. And then an ultrasound...there was no baby, everything had developed except the baby. A couple days before my husband's birthday we said goodbye to our fifth angel.
I remember April 2012 after deciding we would never get pregnant again, that the pain we had been through was too much, we were pregnant. I had no hope, I had fear, I had no excitement, I had love. I wanted to know this baby would be fine, but I didn't think it was possible at this point. First ultrasound the baby measured very behind from what it should have and my heart crumbled. I began trying to prepare myself. Days, weeks continued. I had moments where I was sure I was going to have to say goodbye again, I remember standing in the shower holding my stomach crying to God to not make me go through this again, to not force me to say goodbye, pleading that the baby stay with me. I remember each night just repeating over and over, "Baby don't leave me, Baby don't leave me, your mommy loves you so much, please baby don't leave me." That baby thankfully has not left me, and we are looking forward to meeting him in about 7 wks.
Losing a baby changes you, no matter how new that baby is, or how little of time you've known about that baby, it changes you. I am forever changed. I carry a pain and a hole that will never go away. I celebrate the rainbows I've been given every day, and thank God that he has given me my miracles. But today I remember, I remember the joy and the love that I have for my angels. I remember the pain and pray for the other families who are dealing with that pain. Losing a baby should not be something kept silent. These angels are miracles and should be celebrated. I will never be silent or alone again in this. I will speak out for these babies and for the women who feel alone and crippled by pain.
Tonight at 7p.m. we light a candle for the angels. For our babies, for the babies of my friends, for the babies who were taken too soon.
I remember when I took another test in April 2009, we had decided to try for a baby, and the test was positive. But full of fear and excitement we ran and began telling people about the baby I was growing inside of me. My husband and I were afraid but as soon as we passed the 7 week mark, passed the only milestone we had ever known, a loss, we felt good and relieved about our pregnancy. Many rough months later, Dec 2009 we had a rainbow miracle baby in our arms. She was perfect and we loved her so much.
I remember May 2010 when we found out we were pregnant again unexpectedly. I was confused and scared because my baby girl was only 5 months old, but I was excited and happy. My husband was terrified lol, but he was happy. We got to hold that baby until I was just past 5wks pregnant and that baby was taken away too soon. I remember when they bleeding happened, the cramping and the emotional pain. I knew what I was losing this time, I could look into my daughter's face and know that her sibling would have looked somewhat like this. It was horrific. I again felt alone. I did tell my mom this time and she said she was sorry, but nothing else was said or done.
I remember Feb 2011 when we had begun trying again for a baby. We had found out the beginning of the month that we were pregnant with that baby. We thought of telling everyone Valentines day of our miracle, never did we dream that the day before we planned to tell we would be saying goodbye. I again curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, only this time my husband was crying with me.
I remember July 2011 when we found out we again had gotten pregnant, this time we had only fear. I wanted to hold and to love this baby, but something inside knew it wasn't going to happen. I said goodbye to that baby at just over 5wks pregnant. My husband and I began talking about not trying, that maybe after all we were only suppose to have our daughter. We clung to her and cried. Looked in her sweet face and knew the love we shared and cried even more.
I remember Feb 2012 after getting the devastating news in Dec that we would most likely be unable to conceive a child, and if we did the child had little chance of making it that we were pregnant. I got sick so quickly with that pregnancy, I had more and more hope as each day passed. And then an ultrasound...there was no baby, everything had developed except the baby. A couple days before my husband's birthday we said goodbye to our fifth angel.
I remember April 2012 after deciding we would never get pregnant again, that the pain we had been through was too much, we were pregnant. I had no hope, I had fear, I had no excitement, I had love. I wanted to know this baby would be fine, but I didn't think it was possible at this point. First ultrasound the baby measured very behind from what it should have and my heart crumbled. I began trying to prepare myself. Days, weeks continued. I had moments where I was sure I was going to have to say goodbye again, I remember standing in the shower holding my stomach crying to God to not make me go through this again, to not force me to say goodbye, pleading that the baby stay with me. I remember each night just repeating over and over, "Baby don't leave me, Baby don't leave me, your mommy loves you so much, please baby don't leave me." That baby thankfully has not left me, and we are looking forward to meeting him in about 7 wks.
Losing a baby changes you, no matter how new that baby is, or how little of time you've known about that baby, it changes you. I am forever changed. I carry a pain and a hole that will never go away. I celebrate the rainbows I've been given every day, and thank God that he has given me my miracles. But today I remember, I remember the joy and the love that I have for my angels. I remember the pain and pray for the other families who are dealing with that pain. Losing a baby should not be something kept silent. These angels are miracles and should be celebrated. I will never be silent or alone again in this. I will speak out for these babies and for the women who feel alone and crippled by pain.
Tonight at 7p.m. we light a candle for the angels. For our babies, for the babies of my friends, for the babies who were taken too soon.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Stress
Oh the dreaded land of stress. Seems to hit at the best times. You think you finally have a foot on things and BAM! You lose the footing underneath you. Whether its health, money, both...those two things seem to be the worst stress imaginable. Unfortunately this week, well we seem to have our fair share of both.
My 30wk apt went well with the doctor, but there is some concern about the size of the baby and the possibility that I have extra fluid. Could mean nothing, could mean a lot of horrible things. When your pregnant you tend to dwell on the horrible too much.
Then the money. This time of year is always tight for us, we are on the last of our savings from when I was working. So when unexpected things come in the mail, oh it just boils your blood. Needless to say, the last of our emergency fund is gone. God help us for the next few months.
So tonight, sitting alone downstairs feeling my blood pressure in my ears I realized I have let the little and the big things of this week overwhelm me. I have taken the control out of God's hands and have tried to take control myself. As hard as it is I need to let it go. There is a reason behind all of this, there is a plan. God has a plan. Those bills were suppose to come this week, the baby is suppose to be doing what he is doing, the house is ok to be a mess, my daughter at 2 is allowed to have bad tantrum filled days. These are out of my control. I need to trust and give them over to God. He can handle these much better than I can, only with his help will we make it through. It probably wont feel very comfortable, but growing pains never do.
My 30wk apt went well with the doctor, but there is some concern about the size of the baby and the possibility that I have extra fluid. Could mean nothing, could mean a lot of horrible things. When your pregnant you tend to dwell on the horrible too much.
Then the money. This time of year is always tight for us, we are on the last of our savings from when I was working. So when unexpected things come in the mail, oh it just boils your blood. Needless to say, the last of our emergency fund is gone. God help us for the next few months.
So tonight, sitting alone downstairs feeling my blood pressure in my ears I realized I have let the little and the big things of this week overwhelm me. I have taken the control out of God's hands and have tried to take control myself. As hard as it is I need to let it go. There is a reason behind all of this, there is a plan. God has a plan. Those bills were suppose to come this week, the baby is suppose to be doing what he is doing, the house is ok to be a mess, my daughter at 2 is allowed to have bad tantrum filled days. These are out of my control. I need to trust and give them over to God. He can handle these much better than I can, only with his help will we make it through. It probably wont feel very comfortable, but growing pains never do.
Monday, September 17, 2012
I'm not scared, I'm informed
Deciding how to bring a child into the world and what happens to that child in the few days after they come into the world is the hardest decision I have been faced with. Its final, no go backs, no changing tactics or adapting, its final. Parenting while hard you learn as you go, its a curve. You change and adapt as the child teaches you. But getting the kid into the world...no help there.
So you do your reading, you ask the authorities on the matter, you shift through the scare tactics and the gut wrenching stories. You become confused and possibly overwhelmed by everything thrown into your face and then if you have opposition from the people around you, it only makes it worse.
With our daughter we chose to be induced at 39 weeks. When the word got out EVERYONE made it their mission to tell me how wrong I was, and how I was only going to end up with a horrible unneeded emergency c-section, how I was putting my child into unneeded danger. ONLY one lady told me to ignore it all and do what my gut was telling me. I had no medical reason to induce, but our OB was leaving town over our due date, I was in horrible pain (lupus and fibro make pregnancy fun) and it felt right. I can't explain it but it just felt right. So we went in to be induce, got the gel to help soften my cervix and started getting period like cramping, nothing terrible, not even really painful, just uncomfortable. In the process my daughter began having decelerations in her heartbeat and then wasn't recovering. So I was rushed into the OR and a spinal block was placed and my daughter was born, with one of the largest true knots that my OB had ever seen. She had no tolerated any of the mini contractions I was having, I wouldn't have even been at the hospital! No one would have been watching her heartbeat, I could have lost her during labor had I not induced. I went with my gut, I stood strong and I have my daughter to show for it. I will NEVER regret that choice.
So onto baby Judah we were faced with the option of a VBAC. I had been dreaming of having one since we began trying to get pregnant. I had done my research, knew the risks, knew it was a better choice for most women. However soon after beginning our prenatal visits it became apparent to my husband and I that it was not right for Judah. We have some medical reasons, and some personal reasons. I was not talked into it by my OB, in fact my OB said it was up to me and that was the most I have ever heard her talk about it! But in my gut, and after a lot of prayer, Judah will be brought into the world through c-section. From the moment we voiced our choice the attacks began again. Its frustrating to not feel any support by many people. Our family thankfully understands and supports our choice. I hope to know why he needs to be born this way, if not, I am at peace.
So many choices, birth, circumcision...you do your research you make an informed decision, you listen to your gut and the whole world can back off!
So you do your reading, you ask the authorities on the matter, you shift through the scare tactics and the gut wrenching stories. You become confused and possibly overwhelmed by everything thrown into your face and then if you have opposition from the people around you, it only makes it worse.
With our daughter we chose to be induced at 39 weeks. When the word got out EVERYONE made it their mission to tell me how wrong I was, and how I was only going to end up with a horrible unneeded emergency c-section, how I was putting my child into unneeded danger. ONLY one lady told me to ignore it all and do what my gut was telling me. I had no medical reason to induce, but our OB was leaving town over our due date, I was in horrible pain (lupus and fibro make pregnancy fun) and it felt right. I can't explain it but it just felt right. So we went in to be induce, got the gel to help soften my cervix and started getting period like cramping, nothing terrible, not even really painful, just uncomfortable. In the process my daughter began having decelerations in her heartbeat and then wasn't recovering. So I was rushed into the OR and a spinal block was placed and my daughter was born, with one of the largest true knots that my OB had ever seen. She had no tolerated any of the mini contractions I was having, I wouldn't have even been at the hospital! No one would have been watching her heartbeat, I could have lost her during labor had I not induced. I went with my gut, I stood strong and I have my daughter to show for it. I will NEVER regret that choice.
So onto baby Judah we were faced with the option of a VBAC. I had been dreaming of having one since we began trying to get pregnant. I had done my research, knew the risks, knew it was a better choice for most women. However soon after beginning our prenatal visits it became apparent to my husband and I that it was not right for Judah. We have some medical reasons, and some personal reasons. I was not talked into it by my OB, in fact my OB said it was up to me and that was the most I have ever heard her talk about it! But in my gut, and after a lot of prayer, Judah will be brought into the world through c-section. From the moment we voiced our choice the attacks began again. Its frustrating to not feel any support by many people. Our family thankfully understands and supports our choice. I hope to know why he needs to be born this way, if not, I am at peace.
So many choices, birth, circumcision...you do your research you make an informed decision, you listen to your gut and the whole world can back off!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Oatmeal+Flour+Sugar+Toddler
Today has been a long day. I'm sick and not feeling up to doing a whole lot, my daughter is getting bored easily. So what to do....tried coloring with her, did our preschool work, playdough, babies, but kids do better moving and staying active when they see you staying active. When your stuck to the couch trying to rest and get better, well they want to just lay around and watch TV. In our case resulting in behavior going down the drain. So cookies!
As I was setting up to make cookies the worst thing possible! NO BUTTER!!!!! AW! I had already told her that we would be making cookies, she was dancing around the kitchen and I couldn't break the news that we couldn't because we didn't have butter. So I looked and looked for a no butter recipe that didn't sound horrible, found one and adapted it a bit. We poured, counted, mixed, giggled...we made cookies. Add a little heat and snack time was ready.
As I was setting up to make cookies the worst thing possible! NO BUTTER!!!!! AW! I had already told her that we would be making cookies, she was dancing around the kitchen and I couldn't break the news that we couldn't because we didn't have butter. So I looked and looked for a no butter recipe that didn't sound horrible, found one and adapted it a bit. We poured, counted, mixed, giggled...we made cookies. Add a little heat and snack time was ready.
Dairy Free Oatmeal Cookies
1.5 C Flour
1.5 C Oats (if you want thicker cookies I would add 1/2 C)
1tsp Baking Soda
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
3/4 tsp Salt
1 tsp Cinnamon
1/2C White Sugar
1 C Brown Sugar
1.5 C Oil
2 Eggs
1.5 tsp Vanilla
Preheat the oven for 350, after mixing the dry add the wet ingredients (it mixes really easily), roll into balls and place on lined cookie sheet, bake about 10min (until golden brown).
The cookies look thin and look like they would be crispy, but if you keep a close eye and don't let them overcook they are very moist! Enjoy!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
The Adventure Continues!
So day two of preschool had a bit more adventure to it! Not only were we implementing a new thing into our routine, we had my little 3 month old nephew spending the afternoon with us while his momma had her first day back to work. So in the middle of preschool, we had the need to carry a baby, feed a baby and oh the diapers lol. Its been a while since my daughter was so little, its a lot of work lol! But then again so is a 2 yr old! Just different work.
Anyway, we made it! School went off much better, I had more activities planned throughout the day and we had less whining. Though, as I was getting dinner ready the whining for Dora began. But after she got the clue I wasn't budging she went and picked up playing a make believe game again.
Today, she learned more about "A," she colored and cut it out. Cutting is a huge deal, and when I was teaching gosh it was the ONE thing NO ONE KNEW! And it was frustrating to have a class of 30 kids who didn't know how to hold the scissors or how to use them. It takes a lot of practice, so practice is what we have done. This isn't the first time she has used them, but the first time I've made her cut on the line. She did pretty well in my opinion! We made patterns with beads as we made necklaces.
Exhausted, but I think the pregnancy has a lot to do with it. We end today, one day further into preschool, a happy child and a happy mommy! Tomorrow I actually have to head to work outside the house and she will go to her public preschool, she has so much fun, and Friday we will begin again at home!
Anyway, we made it! School went off much better, I had more activities planned throughout the day and we had less whining. Though, as I was getting dinner ready the whining for Dora began. But after she got the clue I wasn't budging she went and picked up playing a make believe game again.
Today, she learned more about "A," she colored and cut it out. Cutting is a huge deal, and when I was teaching gosh it was the ONE thing NO ONE KNEW! And it was frustrating to have a class of 30 kids who didn't know how to hold the scissors or how to use them. It takes a lot of practice, so practice is what we have done. This isn't the first time she has used them, but the first time I've made her cut on the line. She did pretty well in my opinion! We made patterns with beads as we made necklaces.
Exhausted, but I think the pregnancy has a lot to do with it. We end today, one day further into preschool, a happy child and a happy mommy! Tomorrow I actually have to head to work outside the house and she will go to her public preschool, she has so much fun, and Friday we will begin again at home!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Adventures in Preschool
So it may not sound like much, but the task of preschool and keeping a almost 3 year old entertained for a day, and day after day...well its daunting at times. Sometimes they are easy to entertain while other times there is no attention span to speak of. Yet it is exciting to see them learn and grasp topics. I felt we had a head start, she knows all her shapes and colors, she can count to 20 (sometimes 25 depending on the day), she knows how to spell her name and she can color in the lines!
Today wasn't easy tho, no TV, music time, and lots of play. After a long 3 day weekend with daddy and WAY too much TV time, my child wanted nothing to do with anything, except beg to watch Dora. I would get her attention for a max of 3 minutes and the begging and whining would begin again. Yet with diligence and a smile we would move onto something else. We began with "A" today, not because its the first letter of the alphabet, its an easy one to write. Posted her art of "A" on the wall to reference during the day. We worked on flash cards, which she actually loved, played with the duckies, did puzzles, painted, colored. Tried to dance. Played baby, played in the tunnel, played. All in between each step whining and complaining about wanting to watch Dora. I asked her several times today if she was having fun, and a big smile would go across her face and she was say yes. I'd ask her why she needed to whine if she was having so much fun...who knows.
It was a trying day. I feel exhausted. I was whined at all day, I was bargained with, and had manipulation attempts tried on me. However, we made it through our first day of preschool with organized learning activities. I didn't come into today expecting her to sit down for long spells, didn't expect her to instantly learn everything I presented her today. No, I came in hoping she would get something out of it and would have fun. Did I expect all the whining, no. And I am disappointed that she felt that need to do that, however, I am proud of her. She learned, we made it through day one of preschool!
And onto day two...after hopefully a good nights sleep! But that is a whole different story!
Today wasn't easy tho, no TV, music time, and lots of play. After a long 3 day weekend with daddy and WAY too much TV time, my child wanted nothing to do with anything, except beg to watch Dora. I would get her attention for a max of 3 minutes and the begging and whining would begin again. Yet with diligence and a smile we would move onto something else. We began with "A" today, not because its the first letter of the alphabet, its an easy one to write. Posted her art of "A" on the wall to reference during the day. We worked on flash cards, which she actually loved, played with the duckies, did puzzles, painted, colored. Tried to dance. Played baby, played in the tunnel, played. All in between each step whining and complaining about wanting to watch Dora. I asked her several times today if she was having fun, and a big smile would go across her face and she was say yes. I'd ask her why she needed to whine if she was having so much fun...who knows.
It was a trying day. I feel exhausted. I was whined at all day, I was bargained with, and had manipulation attempts tried on me. However, we made it through our first day of preschool with organized learning activities. I didn't come into today expecting her to sit down for long spells, didn't expect her to instantly learn everything I presented her today. No, I came in hoping she would get something out of it and would have fun. Did I expect all the whining, no. And I am disappointed that she felt that need to do that, however, I am proud of her. She learned, we made it through day one of preschool!
And onto day two...after hopefully a good nights sleep! But that is a whole different story!
Complicated Emotions
We are coming to our 26th week of this pregnancy. Nearing the end of the second trimester and unto the final length of the trip. Our house is filled with talk of preparation for our son, our daughter comes up and kisses and shares her toys and plays with my belly, her brother. Even as I type this she began rubbing my belly and wanted to hug Judah. Even at her young age, she is filled with love of this little being that she has never seen. And honestly at 2 can't really understand. Its beautiful, its amazing, I'm in awe.
However, I shouldn't be 26 weeks pregnant, I should be 33, I should be getting ready to meet the little angel we lost. I should be in the single week count down, I should be almost prepared. Our angel left and we got our rainbow three short weeks later.
Its a complicated mixture of pain and excitement. Each milestone we reached with Judah is full of excitement and love, its also full of grief. These are milestones we didn't get to meet with our angel. We are so amazed that Judah is alive, so ready to meet him, to hold him, to love on him. But how much more complicated will our emotions be? The losses after having our daughter were much harder, they had a face. We lost four more after having her, and now we have a Judah to fill our arms.
Its complicated, one baby does not fill the holes those lost created.
However, I shouldn't be 26 weeks pregnant, I should be 33, I should be getting ready to meet the little angel we lost. I should be in the single week count down, I should be almost prepared. Our angel left and we got our rainbow three short weeks later.
Its a complicated mixture of pain and excitement. Each milestone we reached with Judah is full of excitement and love, its also full of grief. These are milestones we didn't get to meet with our angel. We are so amazed that Judah is alive, so ready to meet him, to hold him, to love on him. But how much more complicated will our emotions be? The losses after having our daughter were much harder, they had a face. We lost four more after having her, and now we have a Judah to fill our arms.
Its complicated, one baby does not fill the holes those lost created.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Judah
We recently had our 6th ultrasound this past Thursday. Much to our amazement and joy, we are blessed to announce that we have a healthy baby boy. All measurements, testing, you name it, have come back completely normal. He, our son, it healthy. He is thriving. He is alive.
I never dreamt that I would be able to say we are actually going to have another baby, that I was going to be able to see my daughter hold a sibling in her arms. Its an overwhelming thought, a truly amazing feeling of being overwhelmed.
In all our joy we are humbled. Our fears, the horrific dreams, the anxiety. The road we have come down, the things we have overcome. I am humbled. I am in awe that I am now preparing for a boy to come. The crib is in our room, small amounts of clothing have been collected along with the most beautiful, brightly colored cloth diapers. My son, Judah Azariah will live, he does live, he will breath. By the grace of God, I will be able to see my child breathe.
I never dreamt that I would be able to say we are actually going to have another baby, that I was going to be able to see my daughter hold a sibling in her arms. Its an overwhelming thought, a truly amazing feeling of being overwhelmed.
In all our joy we are humbled. Our fears, the horrific dreams, the anxiety. The road we have come down, the things we have overcome. I am humbled. I am in awe that I am now preparing for a boy to come. The crib is in our room, small amounts of clothing have been collected along with the most beautiful, brightly colored cloth diapers. My son, Judah Azariah will live, he does live, he will breath. By the grace of God, I will be able to see my child breathe.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
WHAT?!
I realize its been a long time since I sat and wrote. Things have been interesting to put it mildly...
Since writing last we had our fifth miscarriage in March. It was a bitter and horrible miscarriage because it marked what my husband and I had agreed on after we lost our second baby, where we would stop. We would no longer try to have a baby, our family could not go through anymore pain. It was so painful in so many ways. It was saying goodbye to a dream while watching my sister in law who was around 30weeks pregnant get hers. I lost the precious baby March 3rd.
March 23rd was when my brother and soon to be sister in law (mentioned aboved) were set to be married. Was a beautiful wedding, and I was so happy for them! A lot of work had gone into this wedding as does in any wedding, we all were relieved to be done. At this point it had been almost 3 weeks since I lost our 5th angel, and I was coming to terms with being done, I hurt still from losing the baby, but the relief that we wouldn't have to be in that position again was beginning to grow.
April 2nd....My dad's birthday...wasn't feeling too right...was a little late for my period (tho not uncommon after a loss)...took a test...and yelled OMFG!!!!!!! Yeah....I was at work and had picked up a pregnancy test just to ease my mind and help me continue to move forward. The STRONG positive on the test?! Yeah wasn't in the plan, and caught me off guard. I didn't know what to do. I was shocked and confused and so very scared.
A few weeks later my husband and I walked hand in hand to the OBGYN and watched the ultrasound screen almost too afraid to look...and then, the most beautiful sound a mother and father can hear, a heartbeat. Our little bean who at this point had stuck past the dreaded 6wk mark (4 out of 5 of my miscarriages have been before 6wks). Joy with the mixture of fear filled us. We still were not sure this baby would make it, but we celebrated that the baby was with us at that point.
Let us fast forward to present. I am currently 21wks pregnant with that little surprise bean we have come to call Elfy. We find out tomorrow what sex the baby is. We are still stunned that we are here, that we have this chance again. There are days that fear brings me to the brink of tears and others that the joy makes me want to dance and tell everyone about our little miracle. I cannot wait to be able to meet this baby, to hold and to thank the Lord that He gave us another miracle. I find myself still unable to imagine holding this baby, too much has been lost and this has been a transition of thought that hasn't been smooth. We still hold our daily fears that this is too good to be true and the baby will soon leave us. However, we look forward and enjoy each day that we get to share with out little Elfy.
Since writing last we had our fifth miscarriage in March. It was a bitter and horrible miscarriage because it marked what my husband and I had agreed on after we lost our second baby, where we would stop. We would no longer try to have a baby, our family could not go through anymore pain. It was so painful in so many ways. It was saying goodbye to a dream while watching my sister in law who was around 30weeks pregnant get hers. I lost the precious baby March 3rd.
March 23rd was when my brother and soon to be sister in law (mentioned aboved) were set to be married. Was a beautiful wedding, and I was so happy for them! A lot of work had gone into this wedding as does in any wedding, we all were relieved to be done. At this point it had been almost 3 weeks since I lost our 5th angel, and I was coming to terms with being done, I hurt still from losing the baby, but the relief that we wouldn't have to be in that position again was beginning to grow.
April 2nd....My dad's birthday...wasn't feeling too right...was a little late for my period (tho not uncommon after a loss)...took a test...and yelled OMFG!!!!!!! Yeah....I was at work and had picked up a pregnancy test just to ease my mind and help me continue to move forward. The STRONG positive on the test?! Yeah wasn't in the plan, and caught me off guard. I didn't know what to do. I was shocked and confused and so very scared.
A few weeks later my husband and I walked hand in hand to the OBGYN and watched the ultrasound screen almost too afraid to look...and then, the most beautiful sound a mother and father can hear, a heartbeat. Our little bean who at this point had stuck past the dreaded 6wk mark (4 out of 5 of my miscarriages have been before 6wks). Joy with the mixture of fear filled us. We still were not sure this baby would make it, but we celebrated that the baby was with us at that point.
Let us fast forward to present. I am currently 21wks pregnant with that little surprise bean we have come to call Elfy. We find out tomorrow what sex the baby is. We are still stunned that we are here, that we have this chance again. There are days that fear brings me to the brink of tears and others that the joy makes me want to dance and tell everyone about our little miracle. I cannot wait to be able to meet this baby, to hold and to thank the Lord that He gave us another miracle. I find myself still unable to imagine holding this baby, too much has been lost and this has been a transition of thought that hasn't been smooth. We still hold our daily fears that this is too good to be true and the baby will soon leave us. However, we look forward and enjoy each day that we get to share with out little Elfy.
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