Another hit

Today was just a day that by the time I got home I just wanted to end. Had to leave the house all day last minute because of the bug sprayer, took a 20month old around town for hours today, she skipped naps, ran in front of a couple cars, threw multiple tantrums. I almost got hit by a car and about choked on my heart when she ran into the street. I was so tired...I asked my dear husband to put her to sleep tonight so I could take care of some business. And while dealing with it got on facebook and played one of the puzzle games that I am sad to admit I am slightly addicted to. While doing so I ran into something that should have made me very excited...instead it sent me into a 4.5 hour bawling so hard my sides hurt spell.

I have a friend who is pregnant, a friend who recently lost a child. I am so happy for her and for her family to be able to have another chance. I pray for them and hope it goes well this time...However she has my due date. The date I was looking forward to for the 8 days I was able to hold my baby inside. April 4, 2012 was the day I was suppose to bring a new life into the world, and I don't get that, she does.

OH that horrible monster grew up inside me and tore me apart. Every bone, muscle and being of my body cried out in pain from the loss that we had. Never before in our four losses has someone I know had our due date. It may sound stupid, it may sound mean spirited...I meant no harm, but it hurt. My soul longs for the babies I cannot hold, my heart aches for the moments I wont be able to soothe their cries, my arms scream out of the emptiness they feel...my body mourns for those babies. And while I cannot change things and I have to move on and heal, there are some pieces that just aren't coming back.

Am I a monster? I don't think so. I take joy that women I know do not know the loss that we have, and I take more joy in the women who know a loss much greater than ours having another chance. I struggle tho to come to a understanding of why we cannot have another chance, and why God repeatedly rips my babies from my womb. I'm sure that with time the pain will decrease and that these babies will not be at the front of my brain. I hope that one day I understand why I was chosen to endure these trials. Until then, I will try my hardest to continue to take joy in the miracle of life, even...if it is not ours.

I pray especially hard for this baby that is due on this special day. I pray that God blesses this family more than they could imagine and that this child knows how special he/she is. I pray for this baby.

Sleep Training

So as my daughter gets older Im finding more and more how wonderful being a mom can be, but also how hard and frustrating it is at the same time. Now opposed to what most think and what most advise. We are very go with the flow listen to our daughter kind of parents. While she still has rules and gets discipline from time to time, I've done things like baby wearing, baby led feeding, co-sleeping, let her lead on nap times. In all I've tried not to stress too much when she decides that 3pm is a better nap for today than our normal 12. I've tried not to stress they days she refuses to eat anything, or the days that she HAS to be touching me at all times. I believe she needs whatever shes is asking for, for some reason, and when that has been fulfilled well she will move on to something else. And so far for the almost 2 years of her life this has worked pretty well for our family. I have a very smart, outgoing and independent little girl, who aside from what most people think about what our parenting style would lead to, she is also very good at listening and following directions for a almost 2 year old.

Now comes to the dilemma. Our independent little girl is FULLY capable of sleeping in her own bed and through the night, she is also FULLY capable of putting herself to sleep. So the nights she refuses to sleep or stay in her bed or etc its very frustrating. I hate the idea of sleep training, sounds like a dog. However, here I am in our bedroom on the computer listening for my daughter to get out of bed so I can go in and tell her to lay her head down and close her eyes. While I know its best that she puts herself to sleep (she sleeps so much better when she does), its hard. She isn't crying, but I know she is awake looking at an empty room and mommy keeps coming in with her "mean" voice and telling her to put her head down and close her eyes. Eventually we wont have to do this, and I know its good, and that I have this easier than most people do with the crying it out stuff. But how I hate sitting here right now in the other room waiting for her to fall asleep all on her own.

20 months

20 months and 1.5 hours ago a little girl emerged in the world. She refused to breath at first and scared the room with possibilities an complications. She brought so much joy to her dad that he passed out on the floor and then was whisked away.

I still smell the OR, I still see my husband in the hallway with his feet up in the air and nurses all around him as they took me to recovery. I still feel the mix of joy and fear. 20 months, it has gone so fast. Now I sit and watch my little toddler sleeping on the couch sucking her little thumb. And can't believe I've already had so much time with her. Amazing little girl!

Happy 20 months Goose!

Monday

I would imagine I'm part of the majority of people who hate Monday. I hate sending my husband to work after a short weekend of seeing him. I hate the mess that the weekend leaves for me to clean. I hate the two day break and trying to talk myself into going to the gym. I just can't stand it!


Parts of Monday I suppose can be good. Brand new week and new choices and adventures. New weekends coming to spend time with my husband. A lot of new with each Monday. After my break down yesterday I think something new is good. I've talked with many ladies who are very encouraging and trying to ease my mind. They are all urging us that we should continue trying and that we will have another baby. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, but maybe I can begin getting ready. My main goal at this point is to lose the weight that I have gained moving across the country and having my last baby, a whopping 120lbs!


Yes you read that right I need to lose 120lbs! I am at the highest weight I have ever been in my entire life, and I hate every moment of this fat suit. I need to get rid of it. And while I've been trying to lose it, I've not done anything extreme or serious and in the last 3 months I've lost a tiny 6lbs. Its down to business! I have to do this! For my husband, I want to be the sexy young woman he married almost 5 years ago. For my daughter I want to be the mom who has energy that never ends and can out run her (hehehehe). For me, I want to feel beautiful again, I don't want to feel like I can't take a picture of myself because I disgust myself. I don't want to lose out on anything. Especially if I don't get another chance to have a baby I don't want to lose out.


So here is goes, this will be day one! My final goal is 180lbs, still a lot by normal standards, but for me I'm a size 11 at that weight (and not I'm not tall only 5'6"). I am at my last weigh in Friday 303lbs...HUGE! But now its not a secret and I have to get rid of it!....now to begin Monday....

Back to life.

Sunday July 24th was ringing in my head today. It was a typical Sunday, we went to a new church in our quest to find a new Church home, came home had lunch, played with our daughter, and made dinner and went to bed. Only we had known for 3 days that a tiny little baby was growing inside of me. A tiny baby that we were falling in love with at every second and couldn't stop talking about....

Fast forward to today...back to church after a couple weeks of missing church do to life. Everything was going well, we had a great Sunday school class, the preacher was inspired and having fun with his lesson. I was enjoying the morning so much, until about half way through it...it hit me....we were in the same pew, the same church, the same people, the same topic of the sermon...only one this was missing.....my baby. I wasn't wanting to puke on the people in front of me today, I wasn't filled with that extreme exhaustion I had felt that last Sunday...no, today I was empty. I was just me. At that point dread began filling my mind and I just wanted to stand up and yell and take my poor body out of that place, the place the seemed to be mocking what I was going through. The sermon was on goodness, a fruit of the spirit, and ways to strive so that we can produce goodness. Goodness...irony...or just a cruel cruel joke of what I am facing right now? I know we can't know what God's plan for our life is, or why he has allowed us to lose so many babies. I can't answer any of my questions, and I cannot get rid of this desire even in all of my pain right now. I am confused. I am hurt. I am scared. I just am there.