I'm not scared, I'm informed

Deciding how to bring a child into the world and what happens to that child in the few days after they come into the world is the hardest decision I have been faced with. Its final, no go backs, no changing tactics or adapting, its final. Parenting while hard you learn as you go, its a curve. You change and adapt as the child teaches you. But getting the kid into the world...no help there.

So you do your reading, you ask the authorities on the matter, you shift through the scare tactics and the gut wrenching stories. You become confused and possibly overwhelmed by everything thrown into your face and then if you have opposition from the people around you, it only makes it worse.

With our daughter we chose to be induced at 39 weeks. When the word got out EVERYONE made it their mission to tell me how wrong I was, and how I was only going to end up with a horrible unneeded emergency c-section, how I was putting my child into unneeded danger. ONLY one lady told me to ignore it all and do what my gut was telling me. I had no medical reason to induce, but our OB was leaving town over our due date, I was in horrible pain (lupus and fibro make pregnancy fun) and it felt right. I can't explain it but it just felt right. So we went in to be induce, got the gel to help soften my cervix and started getting period like cramping, nothing terrible, not even really painful, just uncomfortable. In the process my daughter began having decelerations in her heartbeat and then wasn't recovering. So I was rushed into the OR and a spinal block was placed and my daughter was born, with one of the largest true knots that my OB had ever seen. She had no tolerated any of the mini contractions I was having, I wouldn't have even been at the hospital! No one would have been watching her heartbeat, I could have lost her during labor had I not induced. I went with my gut, I stood strong and I have my daughter to show for it. I will NEVER regret that choice.

So onto baby Judah we were faced with the option of a VBAC. I had been dreaming of having one since we began trying to get pregnant. I had done my research, knew the risks, knew it was a better choice for most women. However soon after beginning our prenatal visits it became apparent to my husband and I that it was not right for Judah. We have some medical reasons, and some personal reasons. I was not talked into it by my OB, in fact my OB said it was up to me and that was the most I have ever heard her talk about it! But in my gut, and after a lot of prayer, Judah will be brought into the world through c-section. From the moment we voiced our choice the attacks began again. Its frustrating to not feel any support by many people. Our family thankfully understands and supports our choice. I hope to know why he needs to be born this way, if not, I am at peace.

So many choices, birth, circumcision...you do your research you make an informed decision, you listen to your gut and the whole world can back off!

Oatmeal+Flour+Sugar+Toddler

Today has been a long day. I'm sick and not feeling up to doing a whole lot, my daughter is getting bored easily. So what to do....tried coloring with her, did our preschool work, playdough, babies, but kids do better moving and staying active when they see you staying active. When your stuck to the couch trying to rest and get better, well they want to just lay around and watch TV. In our case resulting in behavior going down the drain. So cookies!

As I was setting up to make cookies the worst thing possible! NO BUTTER!!!!! AW! I had already told her that we would be making cookies, she was dancing around the kitchen and I couldn't break the news that we couldn't because we didn't have butter. So I looked and looked for a no butter recipe that didn't sound horrible, found one and adapted it a bit. We poured, counted, mixed, giggled...we made cookies. Add a little heat and snack time was ready.

Dairy Free Oatmeal Cookies

1.5 C Flour

1.5 C Oats (if you want thicker cookies I would add 1/2 C)

1tsp Baking Soda

1/2 tsp Baking Soda

3/4 tsp Salt

1 tsp Cinnamon

1/2C White Sugar

1 C Brown Sugar

1.5 C Oil

2 Eggs

1.5 tsp Vanilla

Preheat the oven for 350, after mixing the dry add the wet ingredients (it mixes really easily), roll into balls and place on lined cookie sheet, bake about 10min (until golden brown).

The cookies look thin and look like they would be crispy, but if you keep a close eye and don't let them overcook they are very moist! Enjoy!

The Adventure Continues!

So day two of preschool had a bit more adventure to it! Not only were we implementing a new thing into our routine, we had my little 3 month old nephew spending the afternoon with us while his momma had her first day back to work. So in the middle of preschool, we had the need to carry a baby, feed a baby and oh the diapers lol. Its been a while since my daughter was so little, its a lot of work lol! But then again so is a 2 yr old! Just different work.

Anyway, we made it! School went off much better, I had more activities planned throughout the day and we had less whining. Though, as I was getting dinner ready the whining for Dora began. But after she got the clue I wasn't budging she went and picked up playing a make believe game again.

Today, she learned more about "A," she colored and cut it out. Cutting is a huge deal, and when I was teaching gosh it was the ONE thing NO ONE KNEW! And it was frustrating to have a class of 30 kids who didn't know how to hold the scissors or how to use them. It takes a lot of practice, so practice is what we have done. This isn't the first time she has used them, but the first time I've made her cut on the line. She did pretty well in my opinion! We made patterns with beads as we made necklaces.

Exhausted, but I think the pregnancy has a lot to do with it. We end today, one day further into preschool, a happy child and a happy mommy! Tomorrow I actually have to head to work outside the house and she will go to her public preschool, she has so much fun, and Friday we will begin again at home!

Adventures in Preschool

So it may not sound like much, but the task of preschool and keeping a almost 3 year old entertained for a day, and day after day...well its daunting at times. Sometimes they are easy to entertain while other times there is no attention span to speak of. Yet it is exciting to see them learn and grasp topics. I felt we had a head start, she knows all her shapes and colors, she can count to 20 (sometimes 25 depending on the day), she knows how to spell her name and she can color in the lines!

Today wasn't easy tho, no TV, music time, and lots of play. After a long 3 day weekend with daddy and WAY too much TV time, my child wanted nothing to do with anything, except beg to watch Dora. I would get her attention for a max of 3 minutes and the begging and whining would begin again. Yet with diligence and a smile we would move onto something else. We began with "A" today, not because its the first letter of the alphabet, its an easy one to write. Posted her art of "A" on the wall to reference during the day. We worked on flash cards, which she actually loved, played with the duckies, did puzzles, painted, colored. Tried to dance. Played baby, played in the tunnel, played. All in between each step whining and complaining about wanting to watch Dora. I asked her several times today if she was having fun, and a big smile would go across her face and she was say yes. I'd ask her why she needed to whine if she was having so much fun...who knows.

It was a trying day. I feel exhausted. I was whined at all day, I was bargained with, and had manipulation attempts tried on me. However, we made it through our first day of preschool with organized learning activities. I didn't come into today expecting her to sit down for long spells, didn't expect her to instantly learn everything I presented her today. No, I came in hoping she would get something out of it and would have fun. Did I expect all the whining, no. And I am disappointed that she felt that need to do that, however, I am proud of her. She learned, we made it through day one of preschool!

And onto day two...after hopefully a good nights sleep! But that is a whole different story!

Complicated Emotions

We are coming to our 26th week of this pregnancy. Nearing the end of the second trimester and unto the final length of the trip. Our house is filled with talk of preparation for our son, our daughter comes up and kisses and shares her toys and plays with my belly, her brother. Even as I type this she began rubbing my belly and wanted to hug Judah. Even at her young age, she is filled with love of this little being that she has never seen. And honestly at 2 can't really understand. Its beautiful, its amazing, I'm in awe.

However, I shouldn't be 26 weeks pregnant, I should be 33, I should be getting ready to meet the little angel we lost. I should be in the single week count down, I should be almost prepared. Our angel left and we got our rainbow three short weeks later.

Its a complicated mixture of pain and excitement. Each milestone we reached with Judah is full of excitement and love, its also full of grief. These are milestones we didn't get to meet with our angel. We are so amazed that Judah is alive, so ready to meet him, to hold him, to love on him. But how much more complicated will our emotions be? The losses after having our daughter were much harder, they had a face. We lost four more after having her, and now we have a Judah to fill our arms.

Its complicated, one baby does not fill the holes those lost created.

Judah

We recently had our 6th ultrasound this past Thursday. Much to our amazement and joy, we are blessed to announce that we have a healthy baby boy. All measurements, testing, you name it, have come back completely normal. He, our son, it healthy. He is thriving. He is alive.

I never dreamt that I would be able to say we are actually going to have another baby, that I was going to be able to see my daughter hold a sibling in her arms. Its an overwhelming thought, a truly amazing feeling of being overwhelmed.

In all our joy we are humbled. Our fears, the horrific dreams, the anxiety. The road we have come down, the things we have overcome. I am humbled. I am in awe that I am now preparing for a boy to come. The crib is in our room, small amounts of clothing have been collected along with the most beautiful, brightly colored cloth diapers. My son, Judah Azariah will live, he does live, he will breath. By the grace of God, I will be able to see my child breathe.