2 years old

2 years ago on December 16, 2009 at 9:52am my daughter graced the world with her first breath outside of the womb. 




Happy Birthday Baby Girl! I love you so!

You're Infertile

"You're infertile and heading towards premature ovarian failure, I'm sorry, but we can start talking about other ways to have a child"

Infertile.....

Failure.....

You are an infertile failure of a woman.....

Those words are like death, they shred and tear at the last bit of hope that was remaining. All of my conditions that contributed to losing so many babies are also contributing to killing any chance that we may have to get pregnant again. 

I sit here and look at my daughter and my pregnant sister in law and just want to hide, run from it all. If this had been my choice I would have been ok with it, but no it was taken from me right after spending this week saying and getting excited about trying another cycle. I would be finding out right on Christmas and that sounded amazing, instead...the likelihood of getting pregnant is almost nothing and I would get to see those two lines on a test for Christmas. 

How is it even possible that at 24 my body has thrown in the towel to creating babies? What to do from here? How to deal with this? So many questions I cannot answer.

I'm still praying that somehow we get pregnant this month, but doubt we will and that breaks my heart. Just another tick to add to the damage my body has done to itself. 

So how do you feel about that?

You see the question, "How does that make you feel?" in any movie that has a therapy scene. And then you see the person in the seat wiggle a bit and cough and look somewhere else in the room, any where but at that person who is asking such a question. For someone who had never been in that situation it seemed a little silly. Seems like such a stupid question to ask someone when they are not in the best frame of mind. But really...its not such an easy question.

First I will tell you I am not an open book, for the most part. I am blunt and mostly unemotional. I am analytical in the way I see things, black and white. Yet even with all that, you mention the word baby and I have rolling tears falling down my face. As much as I try to move on and bury the pain of losing the babies, its not been as easy as I thought it should have been. So I attended counseling last night....

I was that person being asked, "How does losing your babies make you feel?". How does it make me feel? What kind of question is that? Are you some kind of idiot!?

It hurts.

 "But what does it make you feel?" How do could I answer that. How does it make me feel, well I feel like I have been crushed, like someone is beating me with a huge stick, like part of my soul is missing. I feel broken, I feel hurt, I feel hopeless, I feel alone. Saying those things...saying those things is so much harder than writing or thinking those things. Opening up your band aid to air your wound stings. I avoided her eyes, I looked for something on the walls to focus on so she couldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes. The thought of, "I am not weak, I don't want to look weak, they don't need to see you cry, you have no reason to cry..." running over and over in my thoughts. Then the question, "Are you angry?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Really what kind of question is that?! I have lost four pregnancies of course I am angry, I'm sitting in this room! If I wasn't angry do you really think I would be sitting in this room with a bunch of people crying? HECK NO! But how do you put anger into words, yes I am angry, how could I not be angry.

The questions kept coming, and I stuttered and answered in sentences that gave as little as possible because too much information was not what they needed. All the times I've been told that I didn't have it that bad, and at least my losses were early before I became attached, the times I've been time that as miscarriages go I have it easy...those things have made me doubt my remorse, made me second guess my tears. But, no, I didn't have it easy. I lost four of MY babies, not just little cells, they weren't any less belonging to me because I didn't get much time with them. They were my babies, I lost my babies too soon. They were MY babies. My loss was significant.

I ran out of the room and to the car when the session was over and began gasping for air. I felt like I could not breathe. After minutes of struggling to breathe, relief, not a lot but a little. Someone instead of trying to make me feel better by downplaying what I was going through, just said yes those were your babies and your allowed to feel this much pain. She didn't try to make me feel better, she wanted me to finally let myself feel what I have been keeping locked up. I didn't unlock most of it, and I am fearful of the day that I do unlock it.

But for now as I work towards picking that lock I am left with, those were my babies, I lost my babies too soon. My babies, my children, my loves....

Going Forward

So we did not get pregnant very much to our dismay. We are at a stand still now, because of my work schedule we are forced to stop trying for a little while, the soonest we could begin again would be July 2012 (which ironically would have been around the due date if we got pregnant this month). But honestly we are not sure with what we want to do. While we would love to give our daughter a sibling I'm really beginning to feel like maybe its just not going to happen. So, I'm selling most of the baby items. I think having them around the house is making it harder to make a good decision for our family. I feel like they are pressuring us to have another, and I feel free knowing that they will soon be out of the house. Heck I don't even care if I sell all of it, I just want it gone, so whatever is left is going to goodwill and will not come back in this house! I am moving on! If in July we feel like we want to try for another we can, but if we decide that we wont then we can begin finding a way to be content.

I feel like a much stronger person, I believe that my miscarriages have opened me up a bit and I find myself sharing with people our story about our miracle baby and the babies we cannot wait to meet. I hope that by being open about how hard it has been to lose so many babies, or how rough a pregnancy is with a chronic pain condition that perhaps one day it will help a young woman in my shoes. I can't say I've really met anyone who has been open about their losses, or is open about how bad a pregnancy can be. I heard a lot of horror stories about labor, but not many of the good ones. Why can't we just be open and helpful? Why as women do we feel the need to hide things that make us imperfect or try to top one another. I am in no ways perfect. I have weight issues, I have JRA, I have fibromyalgia, I have pernicious anemia, I have asthma and I have one child from five pregnancies. I am no where near perfect. But I think in my imperfection and all we have gone through as a family I have a lot to teach, and I would hate to not talk about this to someone who may very well need to hear my story.

So I'm going forward. I'm enjoying my daughter and not focusing on the longing in my heart for more, I'm celebrating her life and not continually mourning the lives I lost for this time on earth. I am working my butt off at the gym, I'm working on my diet and medications to get my conditions back on track. I'm moving forward, and I'm going to teach myself not to look back.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today we raise awareness to the struggle that most women face in silence. Losing a child before birth makes people uncomfortable, its taboo to talk about, and depending on who your talking to they may not even view your loss as a loss to mourn. So I stand and say I have lost four precious angels, Feb2007, May2010, Feb 2011, July 2011. Tho none of these babies made it very long they are still very dear to my heart and I CANNOT wait until the day that I get to hold them and kiss their faces. No woman should have to struggle with the pain of losing a pregnant, she esp shouldn't have to do so in silence!

The 2 Week Wait

So unplanned we were not protected during the fertile forecast days in my cycle. And now I find myself in the 2 week wait. For those of you who don't know, its the 2 weeks after you ovulate and you sit not knowing for two weeks, sometimes more if a conception and implantation took place. Its much harder than it sounds. I find myself doubting and hoping that I wont hope that we get pregnant. I'm scared that we will, and I'm even more scared that we wont. I want a baby in our family so badly, we hadn't really planned on trying again this year, and haven't decided if we would even try next year. After losing so many precious angel babies its hard to keep trying, the fear and anxiety builds up to a point you can't recognize yourself. I dread Oct. 26th right now because I know for a little bit that day I will feel crushed and very hurt. It seems too good to be true that we would get pregnant, or get pregnant and be able to keep that baby.

Another hit

Today was just a day that by the time I got home I just wanted to end. Had to leave the house all day last minute because of the bug sprayer, took a 20month old around town for hours today, she skipped naps, ran in front of a couple cars, threw multiple tantrums. I almost got hit by a car and about choked on my heart when she ran into the street. I was so tired...I asked my dear husband to put her to sleep tonight so I could take care of some business. And while dealing with it got on facebook and played one of the puzzle games that I am sad to admit I am slightly addicted to. While doing so I ran into something that should have made me very excited...instead it sent me into a 4.5 hour bawling so hard my sides hurt spell.

I have a friend who is pregnant, a friend who recently lost a child. I am so happy for her and for her family to be able to have another chance. I pray for them and hope it goes well this time...However she has my due date. The date I was looking forward to for the 8 days I was able to hold my baby inside. April 4, 2012 was the day I was suppose to bring a new life into the world, and I don't get that, she does.

OH that horrible monster grew up inside me and tore me apart. Every bone, muscle and being of my body cried out in pain from the loss that we had. Never before in our four losses has someone I know had our due date. It may sound stupid, it may sound mean spirited...I meant no harm, but it hurt. My soul longs for the babies I cannot hold, my heart aches for the moments I wont be able to soothe their cries, my arms scream out of the emptiness they feel...my body mourns for those babies. And while I cannot change things and I have to move on and heal, there are some pieces that just aren't coming back.

Am I a monster? I don't think so. I take joy that women I know do not know the loss that we have, and I take more joy in the women who know a loss much greater than ours having another chance. I struggle tho to come to a understanding of why we cannot have another chance, and why God repeatedly rips my babies from my womb. I'm sure that with time the pain will decrease and that these babies will not be at the front of my brain. I hope that one day I understand why I was chosen to endure these trials. Until then, I will try my hardest to continue to take joy in the miracle of life, even...if it is not ours.

I pray especially hard for this baby that is due on this special day. I pray that God blesses this family more than they could imagine and that this child knows how special he/she is. I pray for this baby.

Sleep Training

So as my daughter gets older Im finding more and more how wonderful being a mom can be, but also how hard and frustrating it is at the same time. Now opposed to what most think and what most advise. We are very go with the flow listen to our daughter kind of parents. While she still has rules and gets discipline from time to time, I've done things like baby wearing, baby led feeding, co-sleeping, let her lead on nap times. In all I've tried not to stress too much when she decides that 3pm is a better nap for today than our normal 12. I've tried not to stress they days she refuses to eat anything, or the days that she HAS to be touching me at all times. I believe she needs whatever shes is asking for, for some reason, and when that has been fulfilled well she will move on to something else. And so far for the almost 2 years of her life this has worked pretty well for our family. I have a very smart, outgoing and independent little girl, who aside from what most people think about what our parenting style would lead to, she is also very good at listening and following directions for a almost 2 year old.

Now comes to the dilemma. Our independent little girl is FULLY capable of sleeping in her own bed and through the night, she is also FULLY capable of putting herself to sleep. So the nights she refuses to sleep or stay in her bed or etc its very frustrating. I hate the idea of sleep training, sounds like a dog. However, here I am in our bedroom on the computer listening for my daughter to get out of bed so I can go in and tell her to lay her head down and close her eyes. While I know its best that she puts herself to sleep (she sleeps so much better when she does), its hard. She isn't crying, but I know she is awake looking at an empty room and mommy keeps coming in with her "mean" voice and telling her to put her head down and close her eyes. Eventually we wont have to do this, and I know its good, and that I have this easier than most people do with the crying it out stuff. But how I hate sitting here right now in the other room waiting for her to fall asleep all on her own.

20 months

20 months and 1.5 hours ago a little girl emerged in the world. She refused to breath at first and scared the room with possibilities an complications. She brought so much joy to her dad that he passed out on the floor and then was whisked away.

I still smell the OR, I still see my husband in the hallway with his feet up in the air and nurses all around him as they took me to recovery. I still feel the mix of joy and fear. 20 months, it has gone so fast. Now I sit and watch my little toddler sleeping on the couch sucking her little thumb. And can't believe I've already had so much time with her. Amazing little girl!

Happy 20 months Goose!

Monday

I would imagine I'm part of the majority of people who hate Monday. I hate sending my husband to work after a short weekend of seeing him. I hate the mess that the weekend leaves for me to clean. I hate the two day break and trying to talk myself into going to the gym. I just can't stand it!


Parts of Monday I suppose can be good. Brand new week and new choices and adventures. New weekends coming to spend time with my husband. A lot of new with each Monday. After my break down yesterday I think something new is good. I've talked with many ladies who are very encouraging and trying to ease my mind. They are all urging us that we should continue trying and that we will have another baby. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, but maybe I can begin getting ready. My main goal at this point is to lose the weight that I have gained moving across the country and having my last baby, a whopping 120lbs!


Yes you read that right I need to lose 120lbs! I am at the highest weight I have ever been in my entire life, and I hate every moment of this fat suit. I need to get rid of it. And while I've been trying to lose it, I've not done anything extreme or serious and in the last 3 months I've lost a tiny 6lbs. Its down to business! I have to do this! For my husband, I want to be the sexy young woman he married almost 5 years ago. For my daughter I want to be the mom who has energy that never ends and can out run her (hehehehe). For me, I want to feel beautiful again, I don't want to feel like I can't take a picture of myself because I disgust myself. I don't want to lose out on anything. Especially if I don't get another chance to have a baby I don't want to lose out.


So here is goes, this will be day one! My final goal is 180lbs, still a lot by normal standards, but for me I'm a size 11 at that weight (and not I'm not tall only 5'6"). I am at my last weigh in Friday 303lbs...HUGE! But now its not a secret and I have to get rid of it!....now to begin Monday....

Back to life.

Sunday July 24th was ringing in my head today. It was a typical Sunday, we went to a new church in our quest to find a new Church home, came home had lunch, played with our daughter, and made dinner and went to bed. Only we had known for 3 days that a tiny little baby was growing inside of me. A tiny baby that we were falling in love with at every second and couldn't stop talking about....

Fast forward to today...back to church after a couple weeks of missing church do to life. Everything was going well, we had a great Sunday school class, the preacher was inspired and having fun with his lesson. I was enjoying the morning so much, until about half way through it...it hit me....we were in the same pew, the same church, the same people, the same topic of the sermon...only one this was missing.....my baby. I wasn't wanting to puke on the people in front of me today, I wasn't filled with that extreme exhaustion I had felt that last Sunday...no, today I was empty. I was just me. At that point dread began filling my mind and I just wanted to stand up and yell and take my poor body out of that place, the place the seemed to be mocking what I was going through. The sermon was on goodness, a fruit of the spirit, and ways to strive so that we can produce goodness. Goodness...irony...or just a cruel cruel joke of what I am facing right now? I know we can't know what God's plan for our life is, or why he has allowed us to lose so many babies. I can't answer any of my questions, and I cannot get rid of this desire even in all of my pain right now. I am confused. I am hurt. I am scared. I just am there.

Returning to a new normal

There is a silent mourning that can be heard at all times. It pulls and it tears, its piercing singing wouldn't leave my ears. I have to find a way to silence it, because with its deafening impact will scar more that the event that caused that scream to begin. I don't have answers, I have a lot of anger and a lot of questions...and immense amount of pain. I have to begin again, as something new. Because each lost takes something with it. I'm not the same woman I was when the week began. I feel years older and harder. However some things cannot change, I have to be a mother and a wife. I have to hug and kiss the daughter that I do get a chance to hold. I have to hold and comfort my husband and let him see that things will move on and that our family will be fine. We have choices to make, choices no one should have to make, but they are at our feet waiting. The choice seems clear we keep dear what we have, but we do not try to add.

Hopefully one day we will be blessed with the opportunity to provide a home and family to a child who was born without that. I look forward to the day when I can look into the eyes of the child that will fill the void I feel when I sit at the dinner table, who's laughter will ring off the walls and smile light up the people who have the blessing of being able to see it. I look forward to that day. I will leave this moment in my memory, the pain and the sorrow of what I have lost. I have to look forward, I have to learn to hope again. There is a void in this family, its present to my eyes, one day it wont be there.

New beginnings

'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'




Isaiah 41:13

Why do I have this desire.....

I've been struggling with this question for a while now, especially the past couple days. Why did God give me the desire to have another child and then not let me get pregnant or when I do get pregnant take that baby away? After so many losses and months of nothing, the trial of trying to add to our family has become just that, a trial. The house is full of stress, simple task seem to have lost all meaning and I have lost the desire to continue doing them. I feel oppressed and hurt beyond any measure that I could have even thought I could. The questions of why? WHY? And screaming of how unfair it is has left my voice hoarse. I am not strong enough for this. I have met women so much strong than I. They have stillborn children, children who live for hours or min, or continue to have miscarriage after miscarriage and still have faith that another baby will come. I'm not that woman. I am weak. I take great pain in each loss, and they dig a chunk out of my will or hope to continue. I wish I was strong like these women and could know and hope still that we could have another child. But there isn't any hope. In fact the moment I found out I was pregnant I couldn't stop saying, "I hope I get to keep this one, but part of me doesn't believe I will." So I tried not to get excited, I tried to turn my mind to other things, but the glimpse of a pregnant women or a cute baby onesee would send me into a whirlwind of hopes and excitement for the little baby. And I knew, I knew deep down this baby really wasn't mine. I felt it the before we even found out we were pregnant. I can't explain the feeling, it was just there. Those babies were not mine, I have my baby. At this point we need to learn how to move on from here. We will find a way to have another even if my body is unable. But until then my heart still breaks and part of me feels like its missing.....