Ah....

We are fully moved into the new house, beginning to immerse ourselves into school, well at least T and I are, and hubby has made it to his second week of a new job.

I have to say this year has been one of the most stressful years I have ever had to endure. Its nearly September and I  feel as though I am waiting for the boring to come, for mundane. Oh, how I miss mundane. The worries over work and pumping enough milk to feed the baby, the choice of if I would stay in my marriage, the decision to move across states, the waiting for the house, the waiting for a job, the being without health insurance since May with two young children. Its been a lot. But here I am sitting in my lavender bedroom in the house that I own about $300 of, lol, but at least I own part of it. Its beyond what I thought this year would bring us. I cannot even imagine living with my family in our old home. Doing the things we are doing on a daily basis in our condo. Its nice.

Its not been without its doubts though. I sit back no and think gosh you were an idiot! Why did you stress about that when God took care of _____, and _______, and ________....Instead each challenge has resulted in a lot of lost sleep, and a lot of pleading prayers. Such as this last week, we had $130 in our checking account to last 2 weeks for groceries and gas...have you seen gas prices? So really that's gas for two weeks. But as the food began to dwindle in the house and the stress rose up, the resources to fill our house with food and may some hefty medical bills came through. Every need has been met along the way. It didn't happen as soon as I would have liked, it didn't always happen in the way I thought it should, but it happened.

So I sit here tonight in my cool home, listening to my J snore and knowing T is down the hall in her room sleeping I am content. And I strive to remind myself of these times. We were carried to the brink, to increase our faith. None of this could have happened without Christ. The miracles my family has seen in the 4 short months I've lived here in this new place, its beyond me.

And School Begins!

With a little fear and excitement we began our first year of homeschool this week! While it may only be Pre-K, it is PRE-K!!!!!!!!!!! We are working on the foundations for EVERYTHING else she will learn in her education path she decides to take...little intimidating isn't it? The first day began ok, well rough. Her focus was no where and she played around a lot, but we pushed through and finished the day. The next day we didn't sit for lessons as we were busy going to the library and a tremendous walk (side note- never take two children alone on a 4mile walk with a one seat stroller in Aug at the hottest part of the day). The next days however went well. We worked on...

The letter Aa, and sounds it makes
Circles
What color makes purple?
Bugs!
Days of the week

She knew almost everything, so we did a lot of letter practice, she made great progress! I'm proud of her and us for completing the first week of school.

As for everything else, I'll fill in later!

Boxes

Today I finished unpacking the last room of our new home. Our office/school room, in a few weeks we will begin our first year of homeschooling. I'm terrified honestly that I am going to mess this up. My little Tahly is so excited tho, she began dancing around the room today looking at all the supplies that magically came out of boxes that she had counted as lost in KY.

Today Earl was given a job offer. Which means we wont have to face the lines of unemployment, but the pay is a little less, which means becoming even more creative with the lacking budget already. When I first heard the job offer it stirred up a lot of anger, then I felt like weeping. But after some reflection, I have come to this conclusion. We have been trying to get a different job for Earl for several years now. He's gone on interviews, gone all the way to drug screening and they have all fallen through. So as I turned down our street tonight I audibly heard, "I made you stay with S______ P_______ P________ because I wanted you to move to MO, I'm taking you where I want you to be." So I'll shut up, I'll swallow my pride. This is a good thing, I am thankful for the provision for my family.

Earl also began counseling with the pastor at our new church. A completely different approach, a game plan, something. He came home excited about it, and felt comfortable with the pastor who was open with him. It felt different this time, he didn't feel judged and turned away. I am thankful for the new church and the people inside of it.

We begin new. I hope to find my smile again, so many tears lately, not all from the marriage issues, but still, too many tears. I want to be whole again and enjoy this new life we have embarked on.

Brutal Honesty

"Did you feel your needs were being met?" Those words keep swimming in my mind, and every time they circle they sting and they cut a little more. This is what my husband was asked when sitting down with the pastor from the church we were attending when it came out that he had been hiding numerous electronic devices in our home for years to sneak copious amounts of porn and other activities that went outside what should have been an exclusive relationship. Most of our marriage in fact was mired with images of other women. And while many people in the world do not view porn as cheating. When you chose that over a normal sexual relationship with your wife, it is cheating. He had reached that level.

In response to finding out I felt shattered. I questioned when he stopped being attracted to me, why I wasn't enough for him, when he stopped loving me. I was broken, I still am broken and my self esteem is nonexistent. We had at one point sat down with our pastor and a deacon from the church and their wives, a one time meeting. During that meeting the pastor asked my husband, "Did you feel your needs were being met when you felt the desire to engage in these activities?"

As the months have passed since this came to light that is the one question that has bothered me to no end, "Did you feel your needs were being met?" As if to say if I had been better in bed, or had I been more willing to try things out of my comfort zone, or had I been able to give myself to him everyday or at every moment he wanted. Sitting there having the pastor ask my husband that and then having him say no that his needs were not always being met broke many things in me.

As I continue to work through the shambles of what this has done to a marriage, as I continue to see where this takes us and work through the ups and downs that follow...that statement haunts me. It has aided in my feeling of worthlessness. It angers me. I did not chose to go outside my marriage, I did not chose to look at other men and chose other men over my husband....my needs in several areas were not, "Being met". But I didn't make the Choice to go outside my marriage. Instead on several occasions I raised my concerns and desires. Am I really the one who has to take responsibility of my husband's lack of control, lack of commitment to our marriage? I have felt stranded through this, I feel that instead of support I was blamed on various occasions.

"Were your needs being met?" That question shouldn't have been asked. When is a marriage about you? When is it more important to seek self needs and neglect the needs of a spouse? Had eyes not been on "His needs" and more on the needs of his family and wife, I wonder if this story would have been different. So maybe the question that should have been asked was, "Were you meeting the needs of your family and wife when you engaged in these activities, or acted on these desires?"

I am not naive enough to believe that this would never be an issue for a man. Men are visual creatures and well this amazing age of technology makes it so easy, so appealing, so snarling. I look at my son and cry at times knowing that eventually, no matter how much I protect him, he will have to face these choices and will struggle with these things. It pains me to look on his sweet innocent face and know that this grime most likely will mire that innocence. I hope though that I can teach him how to show respect and love to a wife, and give him tools that help him fight these destructive desires.

Baggage

I feel burdened
I feel broken
I feel alone
I feel devastated
I feel scared

The fresh start reeks
It reeks of old and tears
More pain
More baggage
Will this hell ever end?

I feel disappointed
I feel so hurt
I feel so worried
The fear is overwhelming

I saw the signs once more
Only this time I wasn't so naive
I knew
Lies began to pour
Each drop reopened wounds
Wounds more jagged
I worry if they could heal

I remember the vows
I remember my purity
I remember my joy
I remember my love
I remember my trust
I remember being cherished

The vows have been broken
They have been trampled in the dust
My purity was scorned
My purity was not protected
My joy is a memory
My love now hurts
My trust dissolved in the blood of each wound

I am not cherished
I am not loved
I am not......
enough

This baggage I carry
The weight is immense
I don't know how much more I can pack in these bags
My heart hurts
My wounds are gushing blood
I pray one day this hell ends

Moving

The move to another state has been finished, we have left the our home of 5 years to embark on another journey in another state, we have bought our first house, I am bound to head back to school next month, a lot of changes.

This year has been so full of changes and I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water to keep up. The changes happen so much faster than I can process. More recent changes have been good. Our first home purchase is amazing, its a beautiful home that I cannot wait to fill with amazing memories. This house holds hope for me, it holds dreams. I look at the walls and think of all the possibilities and think of a time when we will be able to fulfill all of them. I think about the education I am about to receive and how much work it will be, but the change in lifestyle I will be able to offer my family by completing it encourages and excites me. Its a very good starting place to build on.

The move was so stressful, between packing the house with the kids, to living in the basement of my parents house for a time, to adjusting to living in a very different area than we were use to. My poor Tahly didn't do well with many steps of the move. We have been in our home nearly a month now and I am just beginning to see the sweet little girl that disappeared when the bed rest of my pregnancy began. I've missed her a lot, and we've done a lot of one-on-one to build and encourage her growth. Its amazing to see her interact with her brother. And he loves her so much. He is so patient with her grabbing him constantly or tickling him, they fit perfectly with each other, and share so much love.

I find that in all of the craziness I have left behind a very crucial part of moving to our future, my marriage. We have been in hold mode for months now. Trying to stand up from that place is very scary, and I want to scream so badly! I hurt so badly, I feel shattered most of the time. But I suppose that is part of healing, the pain has to go away eventually just as it would with any ailment.

I am excited to know what will be ahead of us in this new place. I pray that it is blessed.

Fresh Start

I never understood the value or the allure of a fresh start until recently. I've heard many times how so and so longs for a fresh start, or how wonderful it will be to have a clean slate.

I understand now. I am looking forward to leaving this house in a couple weeks. I am looking forward to leaving Kentucky soon. Kentucky was suppose to be our start to life, not a clean slate at the time, as we had nothing to clean, but it was suppose to be a start to our family and our life. Kentucky did not end in the fashion we had believed it would. I can say with most certainty that Kentucky brought us our children and nothing else that I would like to hold on to. I look at the walls and see the pain etched in them. I feel the suffocating stench of hardship.

I look forward to leaving behind the pain. I feel optimistic that wounds can heal better when the walls don't scream reminders. Kentucky gave me my babies....I'm ready to take them away and leave this place.

4 months later...

I believe its been about 4 months since I really posted anything. What a four months this has been. Where to begin......well, Judah was my last real post, a good place to start again!

Judah is doing so well. He is the most majestic baby that has ever existed. I was unaware that a child like him could exist. He is so mild and calm, that I can count on one hand I have truly heard him cry, its such a foreign sound that when I hear it, it does no register immediately. I am so blessed to have him. I love him so much. He is rolling over, and laughing and coo-ing and the object of all of our attention. He and big sister have already created a strong bond and love each other so much. I am so amazed by how well Tahly has done with him, and how much she has grown up in these 4 months also.

Work has been insane but I have a week left. This by far has been the worst tax season that I have ever faced. Partly situational from the personal side, but a lot of it has just been horrible.

My marriage hit a breaking point in these past four months. We were hit with the infidelity stone that threw me for a loop. I wont go into the specifics, but we are trying to pick up the pieces and heal. Its been a long road, but we are working on it. Its been almost 3 months since I found out about the infidelity, it still hurts just as much as it did from day one. I wonder if this pain and the fear that pairs it will ever cease....or at least diminish.

And as a result of the complications of my pregnancy, rough job, mountain to climb in our marriage we are relocating to be closer to family. Being alone (over 300miles), away from family, away from a core support system has not been good. I look forward to the support we will have in less than a month. As we try to move we have an offer on a house! And Lord willing we will own a home and have a fresh beginning soon.

Think Before You Speak!

As a parent who trust her children to a daycare for part of the year I know the anxiety and pain it causes to have to leave your children. As you get to know the daycare and the teachers some of that goes away, but it never completely fades, at least I haven't noticed it fade in the 3 years I have had children. So as a child care provider, be careful what you say to a parent.

Earlier this week, my husband went into the daycare to pick up our kids. The director had mentioned that she had picked up the baby while he was sleeping because his cheeks were flushed, she was worried something was wrong. GOOD! Happy to hear they were watching my child, however, she then proceeded to make light and explain that she thought possibly he was suffocating and that no child would die on her watch. While I am glad she is confident that no child will perish in her time with them, I am alarmed by the statement and it grieved me. It weighed so deeply on me that I began bawling at the statement. Overreaction possibly, but considering our history...no. My children have a week before they are done with the daycare because we are moving, had we continued living here and needed childcare I would be going elsewhere. The "joke" broke the fragile confidence I had.

Not only should you be careful of mentioning death to a parent in such a casual way, but to say that to a parent, anyone who has dealt with a loss, its like cutting open wounds again. I must admit each time my baby gets sick I cling to him and cry and pray to God not to take him away from me. Why? Because my heart is still broken, and I know how fragile life is.

You have no idea how much little things said impact an individual. People really need to be more mindful before they open their mouth.