Here I sit 4 hours left until we great a new year marveling at what this year has been. Our family has experienced a lot of ups and downs in this year. I've felt pain and sorrow that hit my soul, we have had such joy that I still cannot believe we can celebrate. So as many people think of their goals or list things they want to get down in the new year. I am not for the first time that I can recall.
I have joined millions of others who every year say I will lose the weight, or I'll do this more, or this less. And look towards the changes I can make in this next year. But after the year we have had I have learned one thing. I only get this moment once, nothing is guaranteed. There is no saying that tomorrow I will actually be here to "change" all the things I am unhappy with. Instead I'm content.
So I do not have changes this year, I have a goal. To find the beauty in the situations that meet me today. I've been doing this a lot since our Judah joined us. Life has been a bit challenging since he came. Our 3 year old has had some issues adjusting and well, having a newborn in the house is a lot of work. I've had issues with breastfeeding, I've been double teamed with the kids overnight and live on about 3 hours of sleep a night, my house is a consistent mess, and trying to make time to feed this house....well its a challenge. But as everyone asks how we are and say sorry we are tired or such, I'm not sorry. I am so insanely happy to have our son. I am happy to be up at all hours, and even tho the mess is making me nuts, its there for a reason. I will never experience my children this young again. And most likely we will never have another newborn in the house. So while its hard and I'm exhausted I will enjoy this. I will find the beauty in it, and I will rejoice in my circumstances.
Happy New Year! I hope that it brings blessings and that whatever your goals or changes are, you are able to meet them.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Mes gadol hayah po!
Had you told me 7 years ago where I would be today I would have most likely laughed at you and then in secret felt anger. That is the feeling I had when my soon to be husband told me that he "felt" we would be able to have a child in our marriage. I had for many years known that the conditions I have and medications I had been on for so long would make it impossible to have a child. I had even gone so far to ask my parents if they would welcome an adopted grandchild when the time came. But no, my husband he had a feeling. A feeling that I did not understand, that I was angered to hear, because it took so much to be content in the fact that I would never bear a child from my womb.
Soon after getting married we did conceive a baby, and to our broken heart that baby was taken from us. I thought yes this confirms my knowledge that I was not to carry a child. Yet a couple years later my husband and I decided to try for a baby and began looking into adoption. We had began filing paper work out for fostering when I became pregnant the first month we tried. The pregnancy was rough, so many things happened that year, but that December we welcomed our Tahlia into the world. I was content. I felt a pang of sadness for her that she would most likely not have siblings. I had grown up with many siblings and the thought of her never having similar experiences was fighting to the death or making up games or having a person to tell secrets broke my heart. But for the first time I had hope that if I was able to carry a child I would again be able to carry a child.
So over the next 2.5 years after our daughter was born my husband and I tried to have another baby. Our first pregnancy after we lost, and then the second, then we had the talk. At this point we had lost 3 babies in our marriage, and began to talk about how much longer we were willing to try and lose. We decided 5 would be our number, it seemed such a large number that we would never get there. I never imagined that someone could lose that much. As those 2.5 years continued it became harder and harder to get pregnant, and after our 4th loss we had some testing done. They found I had an imbalance of hormones that could not be corrected, but essentially meant I would have issues getting pregnant and if I did happen to get pregnant it was highly likely the baby would be lost or would have chromosome issues. We got this news the beginning of December 2011. I mourned that Christmas for my family, for my daughter, for myself and the babies I never got to held. My husband still had faith and we continued to try, and got pregnant the end of January. However we again had to say goodbye too soon. We somehow had lost 5 babies. It is a pain I didn't know existed or a pain that I had no idea someone could still stand through. We had reached 5, it was over. I had a peace about the end, a peace that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of loss again, a peace that I wouldn't feel the stress of trying for a baby again, however, the sadness that this was the way our story had ended was overwhelming.
We did not have much time to process our fifth loss, March was so busy. Between work and helping plan my baby brother's wedding it was nonstop. Weeks passed and April 2nd rolled around. It rolled around with weird symptoms so to ease my mind I picked up a pregnancy test to take once I got to work. I had reasoned with myself that there was no way I would be pregnant, but I needed to see it to get it out of my mind. I had never gotten pregnant right after a loss, we had been careful, and it wouldn't happen. That was the biggest surprise of my life. I have never seen a more positive test in my entire life. I was scared, I was sad and I was so angry. I couldn't be excited because I knew how this would end! I knew that after being pregnant 4 times in a row and saying goodbye each time I wouldn't keep this baby, I would again be saying goodbye and I was angry. How could God do this to me?! What had I done to have to endure this pain over and over?!
Mes gadol hayah po....a miracle happened here. A year after being told I couldn't get pregnant and if I did I wouldn't carry a healthy pregnancy I am sitting 6 hours from meeting my son, who fittingly is being born during Hanukkah. God had not punished me that April, he showed me he was in control and that our story was not meant to end in pain, it was meant to end in rejoicing. Today I mourn my babies who I didn't meet, but I celebrate the life I have struggled to carry for the past 40wks. I am overwhelmed with the blessing of my son, I am overwhelmed with the thought that I was blessed to have another baby, I am overwhelmed. I will in 6 hours be meeting my son, my son, the son who is not suppose to medically exist, the son who surprised me and through the journey of this pregnancy has changed me so much. I am not in control, and as much as I would like to think at times I am, it is better that I am not. I have been hammered and thrown in the coals and I am no longer the same person I was a year ago, 6 months ago. My Judah Azariah....my blessing....my son! We name him Judah because it means, "Thankful" and Azariah because it means, "God has helped."
So today, the second day of Hanukkah we scream, "Mes gadol hayah po!" because God has helped and blessed our family with a miracle in this time of remembering the miracles he has done and continues to do.
Soon after getting married we did conceive a baby, and to our broken heart that baby was taken from us. I thought yes this confirms my knowledge that I was not to carry a child. Yet a couple years later my husband and I decided to try for a baby and began looking into adoption. We had began filing paper work out for fostering when I became pregnant the first month we tried. The pregnancy was rough, so many things happened that year, but that December we welcomed our Tahlia into the world. I was content. I felt a pang of sadness for her that she would most likely not have siblings. I had grown up with many siblings and the thought of her never having similar experiences was fighting to the death or making up games or having a person to tell secrets broke my heart. But for the first time I had hope that if I was able to carry a child I would again be able to carry a child.
So over the next 2.5 years after our daughter was born my husband and I tried to have another baby. Our first pregnancy after we lost, and then the second, then we had the talk. At this point we had lost 3 babies in our marriage, and began to talk about how much longer we were willing to try and lose. We decided 5 would be our number, it seemed such a large number that we would never get there. I never imagined that someone could lose that much. As those 2.5 years continued it became harder and harder to get pregnant, and after our 4th loss we had some testing done. They found I had an imbalance of hormones that could not be corrected, but essentially meant I would have issues getting pregnant and if I did happen to get pregnant it was highly likely the baby would be lost or would have chromosome issues. We got this news the beginning of December 2011. I mourned that Christmas for my family, for my daughter, for myself and the babies I never got to held. My husband still had faith and we continued to try, and got pregnant the end of January. However we again had to say goodbye too soon. We somehow had lost 5 babies. It is a pain I didn't know existed or a pain that I had no idea someone could still stand through. We had reached 5, it was over. I had a peace about the end, a peace that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of loss again, a peace that I wouldn't feel the stress of trying for a baby again, however, the sadness that this was the way our story had ended was overwhelming.
We did not have much time to process our fifth loss, March was so busy. Between work and helping plan my baby brother's wedding it was nonstop. Weeks passed and April 2nd rolled around. It rolled around with weird symptoms so to ease my mind I picked up a pregnancy test to take once I got to work. I had reasoned with myself that there was no way I would be pregnant, but I needed to see it to get it out of my mind. I had never gotten pregnant right after a loss, we had been careful, and it wouldn't happen. That was the biggest surprise of my life. I have never seen a more positive test in my entire life. I was scared, I was sad and I was so angry. I couldn't be excited because I knew how this would end! I knew that after being pregnant 4 times in a row and saying goodbye each time I wouldn't keep this baby, I would again be saying goodbye and I was angry. How could God do this to me?! What had I done to have to endure this pain over and over?!
Mes gadol hayah po....a miracle happened here. A year after being told I couldn't get pregnant and if I did I wouldn't carry a healthy pregnancy I am sitting 6 hours from meeting my son, who fittingly is being born during Hanukkah. God had not punished me that April, he showed me he was in control and that our story was not meant to end in pain, it was meant to end in rejoicing. Today I mourn my babies who I didn't meet, but I celebrate the life I have struggled to carry for the past 40wks. I am overwhelmed with the blessing of my son, I am overwhelmed with the thought that I was blessed to have another baby, I am overwhelmed. I will in 6 hours be meeting my son, my son, the son who is not suppose to medically exist, the son who surprised me and through the journey of this pregnancy has changed me so much. I am not in control, and as much as I would like to think at times I am, it is better that I am not. I have been hammered and thrown in the coals and I am no longer the same person I was a year ago, 6 months ago. My Judah Azariah....my blessing....my son! We name him Judah because it means, "Thankful" and Azariah because it means, "God has helped."
So today, the second day of Hanukkah we scream, "Mes gadol hayah po!" because God has helped and blessed our family with a miracle in this time of remembering the miracles he has done and continues to do.
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