Going Forward

So we did not get pregnant very much to our dismay. We are at a stand still now, because of my work schedule we are forced to stop trying for a little while, the soonest we could begin again would be July 2012 (which ironically would have been around the due date if we got pregnant this month). But honestly we are not sure with what we want to do. While we would love to give our daughter a sibling I'm really beginning to feel like maybe its just not going to happen. So, I'm selling most of the baby items. I think having them around the house is making it harder to make a good decision for our family. I feel like they are pressuring us to have another, and I feel free knowing that they will soon be out of the house. Heck I don't even care if I sell all of it, I just want it gone, so whatever is left is going to goodwill and will not come back in this house! I am moving on! If in July we feel like we want to try for another we can, but if we decide that we wont then we can begin finding a way to be content.

I feel like a much stronger person, I believe that my miscarriages have opened me up a bit and I find myself sharing with people our story about our miracle baby and the babies we cannot wait to meet. I hope that by being open about how hard it has been to lose so many babies, or how rough a pregnancy is with a chronic pain condition that perhaps one day it will help a young woman in my shoes. I can't say I've really met anyone who has been open about their losses, or is open about how bad a pregnancy can be. I heard a lot of horror stories about labor, but not many of the good ones. Why can't we just be open and helpful? Why as women do we feel the need to hide things that make us imperfect or try to top one another. I am in no ways perfect. I have weight issues, I have JRA, I have fibromyalgia, I have pernicious anemia, I have asthma and I have one child from five pregnancies. I am no where near perfect. But I think in my imperfection and all we have gone through as a family I have a lot to teach, and I would hate to not talk about this to someone who may very well need to hear my story.

So I'm going forward. I'm enjoying my daughter and not focusing on the longing in my heart for more, I'm celebrating her life and not continually mourning the lives I lost for this time on earth. I am working my butt off at the gym, I'm working on my diet and medications to get my conditions back on track. I'm moving forward, and I'm going to teach myself not to look back.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today we raise awareness to the struggle that most women face in silence. Losing a child before birth makes people uncomfortable, its taboo to talk about, and depending on who your talking to they may not even view your loss as a loss to mourn. So I stand and say I have lost four precious angels, Feb2007, May2010, Feb 2011, July 2011. Tho none of these babies made it very long they are still very dear to my heart and I CANNOT wait until the day that I get to hold them and kiss their faces. No woman should have to struggle with the pain of losing a pregnant, she esp shouldn't have to do so in silence!

The 2 Week Wait

So unplanned we were not protected during the fertile forecast days in my cycle. And now I find myself in the 2 week wait. For those of you who don't know, its the 2 weeks after you ovulate and you sit not knowing for two weeks, sometimes more if a conception and implantation took place. Its much harder than it sounds. I find myself doubting and hoping that I wont hope that we get pregnant. I'm scared that we will, and I'm even more scared that we wont. I want a baby in our family so badly, we hadn't really planned on trying again this year, and haven't decided if we would even try next year. After losing so many precious angel babies its hard to keep trying, the fear and anxiety builds up to a point you can't recognize yourself. I dread Oct. 26th right now because I know for a little bit that day I will feel crushed and very hurt. It seems too good to be true that we would get pregnant, or get pregnant and be able to keep that baby.