Returning to a new normal

There is a silent mourning that can be heard at all times. It pulls and it tears, its piercing singing wouldn't leave my ears. I have to find a way to silence it, because with its deafening impact will scar more that the event that caused that scream to begin. I don't have answers, I have a lot of anger and a lot of questions...and immense amount of pain. I have to begin again, as something new. Because each lost takes something with it. I'm not the same woman I was when the week began. I feel years older and harder. However some things cannot change, I have to be a mother and a wife. I have to hug and kiss the daughter that I do get a chance to hold. I have to hold and comfort my husband and let him see that things will move on and that our family will be fine. We have choices to make, choices no one should have to make, but they are at our feet waiting. The choice seems clear we keep dear what we have, but we do not try to add.

Hopefully one day we will be blessed with the opportunity to provide a home and family to a child who was born without that. I look forward to the day when I can look into the eyes of the child that will fill the void I feel when I sit at the dinner table, who's laughter will ring off the walls and smile light up the people who have the blessing of being able to see it. I look forward to that day. I will leave this moment in my memory, the pain and the sorrow of what I have lost. I have to look forward, I have to learn to hope again. There is a void in this family, its present to my eyes, one day it wont be there.

New beginnings

'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'




Isaiah 41:13

Why do I have this desire.....

I've been struggling with this question for a while now, especially the past couple days. Why did God give me the desire to have another child and then not let me get pregnant or when I do get pregnant take that baby away? After so many losses and months of nothing, the trial of trying to add to our family has become just that, a trial. The house is full of stress, simple task seem to have lost all meaning and I have lost the desire to continue doing them. I feel oppressed and hurt beyond any measure that I could have even thought I could. The questions of why? WHY? And screaming of how unfair it is has left my voice hoarse. I am not strong enough for this. I have met women so much strong than I. They have stillborn children, children who live for hours or min, or continue to have miscarriage after miscarriage and still have faith that another baby will come. I'm not that woman. I am weak. I take great pain in each loss, and they dig a chunk out of my will or hope to continue. I wish I was strong like these women and could know and hope still that we could have another child. But there isn't any hope. In fact the moment I found out I was pregnant I couldn't stop saying, "I hope I get to keep this one, but part of me doesn't believe I will." So I tried not to get excited, I tried to turn my mind to other things, but the glimpse of a pregnant women or a cute baby onesee would send me into a whirlwind of hopes and excitement for the little baby. And I knew, I knew deep down this baby really wasn't mine. I felt it the before we even found out we were pregnant. I can't explain the feeling, it was just there. Those babies were not mine, I have my baby. At this point we need to learn how to move on from here. We will find a way to have another even if my body is unable. But until then my heart still breaks and part of me feels like its missing.....