Grieving the Death of my Uterus

I had thought that after losing so many babies, after working through those emotions, after carrying that pain hidden away so many years, I thought I was done adding to that pain. Now, now I have a new pain added. My uterus is gone...I cannot, will not, never again carry a life inside me. I am, incapable. The first year after my uterus was gone it didn't bother me, I was happy to have my life back and regain my health after so many years of struggles. It wasn't until recently that I began to grieve.

I began to grieve because my brother and his wife are pregnant with their third child. They have gone through their own struggles the past few months to get to this place. They have had to live the ordeal of losing a baby, losing two babies...but they have this rainbow blooming, this ray of sunshine that will add joy and laughter to their family. I am incredibly happy for them. Yet in this joy, there is a feeling of complete despair. I am incapable.

Its a strange place to be in, grieving the loss of something you didn't plan to use again. However, it was a part of me. My uterus was the place that brought me some of the greatest joy I have ever experienced, it is also the place where indescribable pain came from.

I gained two beautiful children, I lost 5 beautiful babies....and now I have lost the place that nurtured all seven of their lives. I have lost the ability to nurture a life. I am not sure when this pain ends, or when the grief calms down. I do wonder if its like the loss of anything, the pain gets less noticeable, but it stays dormant inside, always apart of you.

Ah....

We are fully moved into the new house, beginning to immerse ourselves into school, well at least T and I are, and hubby has made it to his second week of a new job.

I have to say this year has been one of the most stressful years I have ever had to endure. Its nearly September and I  feel as though I am waiting for the boring to come, for mundane. Oh, how I miss mundane. The worries over work and pumping enough milk to feed the baby, the choice of if I would stay in my marriage, the decision to move across states, the waiting for the house, the waiting for a job, the being without health insurance since May with two young children. Its been a lot. But here I am sitting in my lavender bedroom in the house that I own about $300 of, lol, but at least I own part of it. Its beyond what I thought this year would bring us. I cannot even imagine living with my family in our old home. Doing the things we are doing on a daily basis in our condo. Its nice.

Its not been without its doubts though. I sit back no and think gosh you were an idiot! Why did you stress about that when God took care of _____, and _______, and ________....Instead each challenge has resulted in a lot of lost sleep, and a lot of pleading prayers. Such as this last week, we had $130 in our checking account to last 2 weeks for groceries and gas...have you seen gas prices? So really that's gas for two weeks. But as the food began to dwindle in the house and the stress rose up, the resources to fill our house with food and may some hefty medical bills came through. Every need has been met along the way. It didn't happen as soon as I would have liked, it didn't always happen in the way I thought it should, but it happened.

So I sit here tonight in my cool home, listening to my J snore and knowing T is down the hall in her room sleeping I am content. And I strive to remind myself of these times. We were carried to the brink, to increase our faith. None of this could have happened without Christ. The miracles my family has seen in the 4 short months I've lived here in this new place, its beyond me.

And School Begins!

With a little fear and excitement we began our first year of homeschool this week! While it may only be Pre-K, it is PRE-K!!!!!!!!!!! We are working on the foundations for EVERYTHING else she will learn in her education path she decides to take...little intimidating isn't it? The first day began ok, well rough. Her focus was no where and she played around a lot, but we pushed through and finished the day. The next day we didn't sit for lessons as we were busy going to the library and a tremendous walk (side note- never take two children alone on a 4mile walk with a one seat stroller in Aug at the hottest part of the day). The next days however went well. We worked on...

The letter Aa, and sounds it makes
Circles
What color makes purple?
Bugs!
Days of the week

She knew almost everything, so we did a lot of letter practice, she made great progress! I'm proud of her and us for completing the first week of school.

As for everything else, I'll fill in later!