I never understood the value or the allure of a fresh start until recently. I've heard many times how so and so longs for a fresh start, or how wonderful it will be to have a clean slate.
I understand now. I am looking forward to leaving this house in a couple weeks. I am looking forward to leaving Kentucky soon. Kentucky was suppose to be our start to life, not a clean slate at the time, as we had nothing to clean, but it was suppose to be a start to our family and our life. Kentucky did not end in the fashion we had believed it would. I can say with most certainty that Kentucky brought us our children and nothing else that I would like to hold on to. I look at the walls and see the pain etched in them. I feel the suffocating stench of hardship.
I look forward to leaving behind the pain. I feel optimistic that wounds can heal better when the walls don't scream reminders. Kentucky gave me my babies....I'm ready to take them away and leave this place.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
4 months later...
I believe its been about 4 months since I really posted anything. What a four months this has been. Where to begin......well, Judah was my last real post, a good place to start again!
Judah is doing so well. He is the most majestic baby that has ever existed. I was unaware that a child like him could exist. He is so mild and calm, that I can count on one hand I have truly heard him cry, its such a foreign sound that when I hear it, it does no register immediately. I am so blessed to have him. I love him so much. He is rolling over, and laughing and coo-ing and the object of all of our attention. He and big sister have already created a strong bond and love each other so much. I am so amazed by how well Tahly has done with him, and how much she has grown up in these 4 months also.
Work has been insane but I have a week left. This by far has been the worst tax season that I have ever faced. Partly situational from the personal side, but a lot of it has just been horrible.
My marriage hit a breaking point in these past four months. We were hit with the infidelity stone that threw me for a loop. I wont go into the specifics, but we are trying to pick up the pieces and heal. Its been a long road, but we are working on it. Its been almost 3 months since I found out about the infidelity, it still hurts just as much as it did from day one. I wonder if this pain and the fear that pairs it will ever cease....or at least diminish.
And as a result of the complications of my pregnancy, rough job, mountain to climb in our marriage we are relocating to be closer to family. Being alone (over 300miles), away from family, away from a core support system has not been good. I look forward to the support we will have in less than a month. As we try to move we have an offer on a house! And Lord willing we will own a home and have a fresh beginning soon.
Judah is doing so well. He is the most majestic baby that has ever existed. I was unaware that a child like him could exist. He is so mild and calm, that I can count on one hand I have truly heard him cry, its such a foreign sound that when I hear it, it does no register immediately. I am so blessed to have him. I love him so much. He is rolling over, and laughing and coo-ing and the object of all of our attention. He and big sister have already created a strong bond and love each other so much. I am so amazed by how well Tahly has done with him, and how much she has grown up in these 4 months also.
Work has been insane but I have a week left. This by far has been the worst tax season that I have ever faced. Partly situational from the personal side, but a lot of it has just been horrible.
My marriage hit a breaking point in these past four months. We were hit with the infidelity stone that threw me for a loop. I wont go into the specifics, but we are trying to pick up the pieces and heal. Its been a long road, but we are working on it. Its been almost 3 months since I found out about the infidelity, it still hurts just as much as it did from day one. I wonder if this pain and the fear that pairs it will ever cease....or at least diminish.
And as a result of the complications of my pregnancy, rough job, mountain to climb in our marriage we are relocating to be closer to family. Being alone (over 300miles), away from family, away from a core support system has not been good. I look forward to the support we will have in less than a month. As we try to move we have an offer on a house! And Lord willing we will own a home and have a fresh beginning soon.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Think Before You Speak!
As a parent who trust her children to a daycare for part of the year I know the anxiety and pain it causes to have to leave your children. As you get to know the daycare and the teachers some of that goes away, but it never completely fades, at least I haven't noticed it fade in the 3 years I have had children. So as a child care provider, be careful what you say to a parent.
Earlier this week, my husband went into the daycare to pick up our kids. The director had mentioned that she had picked up the baby while he was sleeping because his cheeks were flushed, she was worried something was wrong. GOOD! Happy to hear they were watching my child, however, she then proceeded to make light and explain that she thought possibly he was suffocating and that no child would die on her watch. While I am glad she is confident that no child will perish in her time with them, I am alarmed by the statement and it grieved me. It weighed so deeply on me that I began bawling at the statement. Overreaction possibly, but considering our history...no. My children have a week before they are done with the daycare because we are moving, had we continued living here and needed childcare I would be going elsewhere. The "joke" broke the fragile confidence I had.
Not only should you be careful of mentioning death to a parent in such a casual way, but to say that to a parent, anyone who has dealt with a loss, its like cutting open wounds again. I must admit each time my baby gets sick I cling to him and cry and pray to God not to take him away from me. Why? Because my heart is still broken, and I know how fragile life is.
You have no idea how much little things said impact an individual. People really need to be more mindful before they open their mouth.
Earlier this week, my husband went into the daycare to pick up our kids. The director had mentioned that she had picked up the baby while he was sleeping because his cheeks were flushed, she was worried something was wrong. GOOD! Happy to hear they were watching my child, however, she then proceeded to make light and explain that she thought possibly he was suffocating and that no child would die on her watch. While I am glad she is confident that no child will perish in her time with them, I am alarmed by the statement and it grieved me. It weighed so deeply on me that I began bawling at the statement. Overreaction possibly, but considering our history...no. My children have a week before they are done with the daycare because we are moving, had we continued living here and needed childcare I would be going elsewhere. The "joke" broke the fragile confidence I had.
Not only should you be careful of mentioning death to a parent in such a casual way, but to say that to a parent, anyone who has dealt with a loss, its like cutting open wounds again. I must admit each time my baby gets sick I cling to him and cry and pray to God not to take him away from me. Why? Because my heart is still broken, and I know how fragile life is.
You have no idea how much little things said impact an individual. People really need to be more mindful before they open their mouth.
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