Brutal Honesty

"Did you feel your needs were being met?" Those words keep swimming in my mind, and every time they circle they sting and they cut a little more. This is what my husband was asked when sitting down with the pastor from the church we were attending when it came out that he had been hiding numerous electronic devices in our home for years to sneak copious amounts of porn and other activities that went outside what should have been an exclusive relationship. Most of our marriage in fact was mired with images of other women. And while many people in the world do not view porn as cheating. When you chose that over a normal sexual relationship with your wife, it is cheating. He had reached that level.

In response to finding out I felt shattered. I questioned when he stopped being attracted to me, why I wasn't enough for him, when he stopped loving me. I was broken, I still am broken and my self esteem is nonexistent. We had at one point sat down with our pastor and a deacon from the church and their wives, a one time meeting. During that meeting the pastor asked my husband, "Did you feel your needs were being met when you felt the desire to engage in these activities?"

As the months have passed since this came to light that is the one question that has bothered me to no end, "Did you feel your needs were being met?" As if to say if I had been better in bed, or had I been more willing to try things out of my comfort zone, or had I been able to give myself to him everyday or at every moment he wanted. Sitting there having the pastor ask my husband that and then having him say no that his needs were not always being met broke many things in me.

As I continue to work through the shambles of what this has done to a marriage, as I continue to see where this takes us and work through the ups and downs that follow...that statement haunts me. It has aided in my feeling of worthlessness. It angers me. I did not chose to go outside my marriage, I did not chose to look at other men and chose other men over my husband....my needs in several areas were not, "Being met". But I didn't make the Choice to go outside my marriage. Instead on several occasions I raised my concerns and desires. Am I really the one who has to take responsibility of my husband's lack of control, lack of commitment to our marriage? I have felt stranded through this, I feel that instead of support I was blamed on various occasions.

"Were your needs being met?" That question shouldn't have been asked. When is a marriage about you? When is it more important to seek self needs and neglect the needs of a spouse? Had eyes not been on "His needs" and more on the needs of his family and wife, I wonder if this story would have been different. So maybe the question that should have been asked was, "Were you meeting the needs of your family and wife when you engaged in these activities, or acted on these desires?"

I am not naive enough to believe that this would never be an issue for a man. Men are visual creatures and well this amazing age of technology makes it so easy, so appealing, so snarling. I look at my son and cry at times knowing that eventually, no matter how much I protect him, he will have to face these choices and will struggle with these things. It pains me to look on his sweet innocent face and know that this grime most likely will mire that innocence. I hope though that I can teach him how to show respect and love to a wife, and give him tools that help him fight these destructive desires.

Baggage

I feel burdened
I feel broken
I feel alone
I feel devastated
I feel scared

The fresh start reeks
It reeks of old and tears
More pain
More baggage
Will this hell ever end?

I feel disappointed
I feel so hurt
I feel so worried
The fear is overwhelming

I saw the signs once more
Only this time I wasn't so naive
I knew
Lies began to pour
Each drop reopened wounds
Wounds more jagged
I worry if they could heal

I remember the vows
I remember my purity
I remember my joy
I remember my love
I remember my trust
I remember being cherished

The vows have been broken
They have been trampled in the dust
My purity was scorned
My purity was not protected
My joy is a memory
My love now hurts
My trust dissolved in the blood of each wound

I am not cherished
I am not loved
I am not......
enough

This baggage I carry
The weight is immense
I don't know how much more I can pack in these bags
My heart hurts
My wounds are gushing blood
I pray one day this hell ends

Moving

The move to another state has been finished, we have left the our home of 5 years to embark on another journey in another state, we have bought our first house, I am bound to head back to school next month, a lot of changes.

This year has been so full of changes and I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water to keep up. The changes happen so much faster than I can process. More recent changes have been good. Our first home purchase is amazing, its a beautiful home that I cannot wait to fill with amazing memories. This house holds hope for me, it holds dreams. I look at the walls and think of all the possibilities and think of a time when we will be able to fulfill all of them. I think about the education I am about to receive and how much work it will be, but the change in lifestyle I will be able to offer my family by completing it encourages and excites me. Its a very good starting place to build on.

The move was so stressful, between packing the house with the kids, to living in the basement of my parents house for a time, to adjusting to living in a very different area than we were use to. My poor Tahly didn't do well with many steps of the move. We have been in our home nearly a month now and I am just beginning to see the sweet little girl that disappeared when the bed rest of my pregnancy began. I've missed her a lot, and we've done a lot of one-on-one to build and encourage her growth. Its amazing to see her interact with her brother. And he loves her so much. He is so patient with her grabbing him constantly or tickling him, they fit perfectly with each other, and share so much love.

I find that in all of the craziness I have left behind a very crucial part of moving to our future, my marriage. We have been in hold mode for months now. Trying to stand up from that place is very scary, and I want to scream so badly! I hurt so badly, I feel shattered most of the time. But I suppose that is part of healing, the pain has to go away eventually just as it would with any ailment.

I am excited to know what will be ahead of us in this new place. I pray that it is blessed.