There is a silent mourning that can be heard at all times. It pulls and it tears, its piercing singing wouldn't leave my ears. I have to find a way to silence it, because with its deafening impact will scar more that the event that caused that scream to begin. I don't have answers, I have a lot of anger and a lot of questions...and immense amount of pain. I have to begin again, as something new. Because each lost takes something with it. I'm not the same woman I was when the week began. I feel years older and harder. However some things cannot change, I have to be a mother and a wife. I have to hug and kiss the daughter that I do get a chance to hold. I have to hold and comfort my husband and let him see that things will move on and that our family will be fine. We have choices to make, choices no one should have to make, but they are at our feet waiting. The choice seems clear we keep dear what we have, but we do not try to add.
Hopefully one day we will be blessed with the opportunity to provide a home and family to a child who was born without that. I look forward to the day when I can look into the eyes of the child that will fill the void I feel when I sit at the dinner table, who's laughter will ring off the walls and smile light up the people who have the blessing of being able to see it. I look forward to that day. I will leave this moment in my memory, the pain and the sorrow of what I have lost. I have to look forward, I have to learn to hope again. There is a void in this family, its present to my eyes, one day it wont be there.
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