I had thought that after losing so many babies, after working through those emotions, after carrying that pain hidden away so many years, I thought I was done adding to that pain. Now, now I have a new pain added. My uterus is gone...I cannot, will not, never again carry a life inside me. I am, incapable. The first year after my uterus was gone it didn't bother me, I was happy to have my life back and regain my health after so many years of struggles. It wasn't until recently that I began to grieve.
I began to grieve because my brother and his wife are pregnant with their third child. They have gone through their own struggles the past few months to get to this place. They have had to live the ordeal of losing a baby, losing two babies...but they have this rainbow blooming, this ray of sunshine that will add joy and laughter to their family. I am incredibly happy for them. Yet in this joy, there is a feeling of complete despair. I am incapable.
Its a strange place to be in, grieving the loss of something you didn't plan to use again. However, it was a part of me. My uterus was the place that brought me some of the greatest joy I have ever experienced, it is also the place where indescribable pain came from.
I gained two beautiful children, I lost 5 beautiful babies....and now I have lost the place that nurtured all seven of their lives. I have lost the ability to nurture a life. I am not sure when this pain ends, or when the grief calms down. I do wonder if its like the loss of anything, the pain gets less noticeable, but it stays dormant inside, always apart of you.
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