Mes gadol hayah po!

Had you told me 7 years ago where I would be today I would have most likely laughed at you and then in secret felt anger. That is the feeling I had when my soon to be husband told me that he "felt" we would be able to have a child in our marriage. I had for many years known that the conditions I have and medications I had been on for so long would make it impossible to have a child. I had even gone so far to ask my parents if they would welcome an adopted grandchild when the time came. But no, my husband he had a feeling. A feeling that I did not understand, that I was angered to hear, because it took so much to be content in the fact that I would never bear a child from my womb.

Soon after getting married we did conceive a baby, and to our broken heart that baby was taken from us. I thought yes this confirms my knowledge that I was not to carry a child. Yet a couple years later my husband and I decided to try for a baby and began looking into adoption. We had began filing paper work out for fostering when I became pregnant the first month we tried. The pregnancy was rough, so many things happened that year, but that December we welcomed our Tahlia into the world. I was content. I felt a pang of sadness for her that she would most likely not have siblings. I had grown up with many siblings and the thought of her never having similar experiences was fighting to the death or making up games or having a person to tell secrets broke my heart. But for the first time I had hope that if I was able to carry a child I would again be able to carry a child.

So over the next 2.5 years after our daughter was born my husband and I tried to have another baby. Our first pregnancy after we lost, and then the second, then we had the talk. At this point we had lost 3 babies in our marriage, and began to talk about how much longer we were willing to try and lose. We decided 5 would be our number, it seemed such a large number that we would never get there. I never imagined that someone could lose that much. As those 2.5 years continued it became harder and harder to get pregnant, and after our 4th loss we had some testing done. They found I had an imbalance of hormones that could not be corrected, but essentially meant I would have issues getting pregnant and if I did happen to get pregnant it was highly likely the baby would be lost or would have chromosome issues. We got this news the beginning of December 2011. I mourned that Christmas for my family, for my daughter, for myself and the babies I never got to held. My husband still had faith and we continued to try, and got pregnant the end of January. However we again had to say goodbye too soon. We somehow had lost 5 babies. It is a pain I didn't know existed or a pain that I had no idea someone could still stand through. We had reached 5, it was over. I had a peace about the end, a peace that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of loss again, a peace that I wouldn't feel the stress of trying for a baby again, however, the sadness that this was the way our story had ended was overwhelming.

We did not have much time to process our fifth loss, March was so busy. Between work and helping plan my baby brother's wedding it was nonstop. Weeks passed and April 2nd rolled around. It rolled around with weird symptoms so to ease my mind I picked up a pregnancy test to take once I got to work. I had reasoned with myself that there was no way I would be pregnant, but I needed to see it to get it out of my mind. I had never gotten pregnant right after a loss, we had been careful, and it wouldn't happen. That was the biggest surprise of my life. I have never seen a more positive test in my entire life. I was scared, I was sad and I was so angry. I couldn't be excited because I knew how this would end! I knew that after being pregnant 4 times in a row and saying goodbye each time I wouldn't keep this baby, I would again be saying goodbye and I was angry. How could God do this to me?! What had I done to have to endure this pain over and over?!

Mes gadol hayah po....a miracle happened here. A year after being told I couldn't get pregnant and if I did I wouldn't carry a healthy pregnancy I am sitting 6 hours from meeting my son, who fittingly is being born during Hanukkah. God had not punished me that April, he showed me he was in control and that our story was not meant to end in pain, it was meant to end in rejoicing. Today I mourn my babies who I didn't meet, but I celebrate the life I have struggled to carry for the past 40wks. I am overwhelmed with the blessing of my son, I am overwhelmed with the thought that I was blessed to have another baby, I am overwhelmed. I will in 6 hours be meeting my son, my son, the son who is not suppose to medically exist, the son who surprised me and through the journey of this pregnancy has changed me so much. I am not in control, and as much as I would like to think at times I am, it is better that I am not. I have been hammered and thrown in the coals and I am no longer the same person I was a year ago, 6 months ago. My Judah Azariah....my blessing....my son! We name him Judah because it means, "Thankful" and Azariah because it means, "God has helped."

So today, the second day of Hanukkah we scream, "Mes gadol hayah po!" because God has helped and blessed our family with a miracle in this time of remembering the miracles he has done and continues to do.

Bed Rest Day 15

I can't believe I've been on bed rest for 15 days now. It feels like forever to be honest. I'm tired of not feeling like mom and wife mostly. This morning was particularly rough. My daughter was so displeased with everything. Dad got her set up with breakfast and a drink and then hugs and kisses and off to work. I got her play dough before laying on the couch and then went and laid down. However as soon as I did the whining began, she needed a new drink, she didn't want her breakfast, she wanted a snack, everything put her into tears. And here I am, I tend to get up more than I should because well, lunches have to be made, even if its quick its up, drinks have to be refilled, and even if you try to time it out it doesn't always work. But I do try to stay immobile the longest time possible that I can. And considering I think I do a pretty darn good job.

Over the past 15 days, we had thanksgiving which as a lot of work, I ended up being up a lot of the day, but I was good the following days. Husband has done well to get dinner for us when he gets home from work, tho the exhaustion on his face is unavoidable. Our daughter has done pretty good. But I do wish I could get up and play with her. We have done a lot of playing while I lay down, but its not expelling energy in the way she should. I am happy she has the one day of preschool a week, or else she really wouldn't have any physical challenges other than the hour or so that hubby chases her around the house.

Its been hard, mentally, physically and emotionally. I go into the doc again tomorrow and hope to spend the remainder of my pregnancy upright.

Bed Rest Day 6

Here we are almost a week into bed rest. We made it through daddy being at work just fine yesterday. Did lots of art stuff and played with her baby dolls. Daddy came home to a happy little girl and an OK mommy and a HUGE mess in the living room. So we being the second day of daddy being at work... I really don't have plans, just come up as we go. Our daughter woke up and told daddy that mommy had to stay in bed because the doctor said and could only go potty and take showers all the time. Sweet girl.

Mentally I don't know what I would do without my daughter right now. When they went to church Sunday and left the house for 5 hours I was having such a rough time. Not having any routine or normal made me miserable and I found myself in tears much of that time. But yesterday she kept me going. I had to stay mentally productive if nothing else to be able to keep her going. It wasn't always easy but in the end she was a happy little girl and I wasn't bawling. I am going completely stir crazy and want to get up and do my chores and cook dinner for my family. I've always been good about keeping the house in order and having dinner ready by the time hubby walks in the door. Watching him come in tired to a mess and finish dinner that he began before work kills my soul. But he does it with a smile and very lovingly. We have 20 more days of bed rest until our schedule c-section. However I'm praying hard that this baby decides to come sooner, or that bed rest can become modified. Something, some  kind of break.

I have a feeling...

Monday night my husband came home telling me he had a feeling something big was going to happen. I have grown to loath when he says this because 99% of the time his feeling comes true. I am someone who wants to know how and when things will happen and all the ins and outs. "Feelings" are annoying, and vague and I can't stand them. So we went on with our week. Tuesday I got some cleaning done around the house and played with our daughter. Wednesday I got most of thanksgiving shopping done and a surprise lunch outing with our daughter. Then Thursday hit. Began like any other day, I got up and got my daughter and I dressed and walked out the door because today was her day at preschool and I had an OB apt. Drop her off and get to my apt early, end up sitting in the waiting room for 45 minutes and get called back to ultrasound room. Baby was healthy and VERY large for his age, but doing pretty good. Then they take me back to do blood pressure and urine and to see the doc. That is when things began going down hill. I have had a couple of bad readings of blood pressure my last apts and this time it was very high. I was rushed through my visit and sent directly to the hospital for a possible over night watch. The hospital was rough and long, I was kept over night and then I was discharged on bed rest. I have pregnancy induced hypertension and will have to remain on bed rest the remaining portion of the pregnancy.

At this point I have completed 4 days of bed rest and feel I'm going nuts. I have a constant head ache that is killing me. Hubby heads back to work tomorrow and the real fun begins because we have no one who is willing to help or anyone who has time to come and help with our daughter. It will be an adventure! And thanksgiving is this week. My prayer is he comes this week. Anytime this week, I just want him to come!

Tribute to Our Angels

Last night we lit a candle with many other people around the world. To shine a light on the pain that so often is silently endured by families. I had numerous friends who have never personally experienced this loss light candles for angels too. It was remarkable and touching to see so many do something that seems so insignificant and have it mean so much to so many.

In our area there are not any events for this, but several places release balloons with names of babies who have been taken too soon. A dear women from Still Birthday offered to include anyone who sent her a name on balloons in their event. So last night as I watched my candle flicker and shed a tear for our angels, she was sending a balloon up in our place. She has also listed the babies who's families were unable to come. http://www.stillbirthday.com/2012/10/16/we-still-have-work/

I am touched by the amount of support I saw last night. I am touched that so many care. I am touched that even tho these women had no physical attachment to my baby angels they still care about them.

I Remember....

I remember when I took my first pregnancy test Jan 2007, the fear and the pain I felt knowing that this little baby inside of me had no chance in the world because of medication I was on. I remember feeling alone, I remember crying and curling up in a ball on the bathroom floor, and trembling when I told my husband. I remember right after I had lost the baby becoming so inconsolable that my husband called my mom over who held me not knowing what was going on. I remember feeling alone. We didn't talk to anyone about our loss for a year. We didn't talk to each other about that baby. 

I remember when I took another test in April 2009, we had decided to try for a baby, and the test was positive. But full of fear and excitement we ran and began telling people about the baby I was growing inside of me. My husband and I were afraid but as soon as we passed the 7 week mark, passed the only milestone we had ever known, a loss, we felt good and relieved about our pregnancy. Many rough months later, Dec 2009 we had a rainbow miracle baby in our arms. She was perfect and we loved her so much.

I remember May 2010 when we found out we were pregnant again unexpectedly. I was confused and scared because my baby girl was only 5 months old, but I was excited and happy. My husband was terrified lol, but he was happy. We got to hold that baby until I was just past 5wks pregnant and that baby was taken away too soon. I remember when they bleeding happened, the cramping and the emotional pain. I knew what I was losing this time, I could look into my daughter's face and know that her sibling would have looked somewhat like this. It was horrific. I again felt alone. I did tell my mom this time and she said she was sorry, but nothing else was said or done. 

I remember Feb 2011 when we had begun trying again for a baby. We had found out the beginning of the month that we were pregnant with that baby. We thought of telling everyone Valentines day of our miracle, never did we dream that the day before we planned to tell we would be saying goodbye. I again curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, only this time my husband was crying with me. 

I remember July 2011 when we found out we again had gotten pregnant, this time we had only fear. I wanted to hold and to love this baby, but something inside knew it wasn't going to happen. I said goodbye to that baby at just over 5wks pregnant. My husband and I began talking about not trying, that maybe after all we were only suppose to have our daughter. We clung to her and cried. Looked in her sweet face and knew the love we shared and cried even more. 

I remember Feb 2012 after getting the devastating news in Dec that we would most likely be unable to conceive a child, and if we did the child had little chance of making it that we were pregnant. I got sick so quickly with that pregnancy, I had more and more hope as each day passed. And then an ultrasound...there was no baby, everything had developed except the baby. A couple days before my husband's birthday we said goodbye to our fifth angel. 

I remember April 2012 after deciding we would never get pregnant again, that the pain we had been through was too much, we were pregnant. I had no hope, I had fear, I had no excitement, I had love. I wanted to know this baby would be fine, but I didn't think it was possible at this point. First ultrasound the baby measured very behind from what it should have and my heart crumbled. I began trying to prepare myself. Days, weeks continued. I had moments where I was sure I was going to have to say goodbye again, I remember standing in the shower holding my stomach crying to God to not make me go through this again, to not force me to say goodbye, pleading that the baby stay with me. I remember each night just repeating over and over, "Baby don't leave me, Baby don't leave me, your mommy loves you so much, please baby don't leave me." That baby thankfully has not left me, and we are looking forward to meeting him in about 7 wks. 

Losing a baby changes you, no matter how new that baby is, or how little of time you've known about that baby, it changes you. I am forever changed. I carry a pain and a hole that will never go away. I celebrate the rainbows I've been given every day, and thank God that he has given me my miracles. But today I remember, I remember the joy and the love that I have for my angels. I remember the pain and pray for the other families who are dealing with that pain. Losing a baby should not be something kept silent. These angels are miracles and should be celebrated. I will never be silent or alone again in this. I will speak out for these babies and for the women who feel alone and crippled by pain. 

Tonight at 7p.m. we light a candle for the angels. For our babies, for the babies of my friends, for the babies who were taken too soon. 

Stress

Oh the dreaded land of stress. Seems to hit at the best times. You think you finally have a foot on things and BAM! You lose the footing underneath you. Whether its health, money, both...those two things seem to be the worst stress imaginable. Unfortunately this week, well we seem to have our fair share of both.

My 30wk apt went well with the doctor, but there is some concern about the size of the baby and the possibility that I have extra fluid. Could mean nothing, could mean a lot of horrible things. When your pregnant you tend to dwell on the horrible too much.

Then the money. This time of year is always tight for us, we are on the last of our savings from when I was working. So when unexpected things come in the mail, oh it just boils your blood. Needless to say, the last of our emergency fund is gone. God help us for the next few months.

So tonight, sitting alone downstairs feeling my blood pressure in my ears I realized I have let the little and the big things of this week overwhelm me. I have taken the control out of God's hands and have tried to take control myself. As hard as it is I need to let it go. There is a reason behind all of this, there is a plan. God has a plan. Those bills were suppose to come this week, the baby is suppose to be doing what he is doing, the house is ok to be a mess, my daughter at 2 is allowed to have bad tantrum filled days. These are out of my control. I need to trust and give them over to God. He can handle these much better than I can, only with his help will we make it through. It probably wont feel very comfortable, but growing pains never do.

I'm not scared, I'm informed

Deciding how to bring a child into the world and what happens to that child in the few days after they come into the world is the hardest decision I have been faced with. Its final, no go backs, no changing tactics or adapting, its final. Parenting while hard you learn as you go, its a curve. You change and adapt as the child teaches you. But getting the kid into the world...no help there.

So you do your reading, you ask the authorities on the matter, you shift through the scare tactics and the gut wrenching stories. You become confused and possibly overwhelmed by everything thrown into your face and then if you have opposition from the people around you, it only makes it worse.

With our daughter we chose to be induced at 39 weeks. When the word got out EVERYONE made it their mission to tell me how wrong I was, and how I was only going to end up with a horrible unneeded emergency c-section, how I was putting my child into unneeded danger. ONLY one lady told me to ignore it all and do what my gut was telling me. I had no medical reason to induce, but our OB was leaving town over our due date, I was in horrible pain (lupus and fibro make pregnancy fun) and it felt right. I can't explain it but it just felt right. So we went in to be induce, got the gel to help soften my cervix and started getting period like cramping, nothing terrible, not even really painful, just uncomfortable. In the process my daughter began having decelerations in her heartbeat and then wasn't recovering. So I was rushed into the OR and a spinal block was placed and my daughter was born, with one of the largest true knots that my OB had ever seen. She had no tolerated any of the mini contractions I was having, I wouldn't have even been at the hospital! No one would have been watching her heartbeat, I could have lost her during labor had I not induced. I went with my gut, I stood strong and I have my daughter to show for it. I will NEVER regret that choice.

So onto baby Judah we were faced with the option of a VBAC. I had been dreaming of having one since we began trying to get pregnant. I had done my research, knew the risks, knew it was a better choice for most women. However soon after beginning our prenatal visits it became apparent to my husband and I that it was not right for Judah. We have some medical reasons, and some personal reasons. I was not talked into it by my OB, in fact my OB said it was up to me and that was the most I have ever heard her talk about it! But in my gut, and after a lot of prayer, Judah will be brought into the world through c-section. From the moment we voiced our choice the attacks began again. Its frustrating to not feel any support by many people. Our family thankfully understands and supports our choice. I hope to know why he needs to be born this way, if not, I am at peace.

So many choices, birth, circumcision...you do your research you make an informed decision, you listen to your gut and the whole world can back off!

Complicated Emotions

We are coming to our 26th week of this pregnancy. Nearing the end of the second trimester and unto the final length of the trip. Our house is filled with talk of preparation for our son, our daughter comes up and kisses and shares her toys and plays with my belly, her brother. Even as I type this she began rubbing my belly and wanted to hug Judah. Even at her young age, she is filled with love of this little being that she has never seen. And honestly at 2 can't really understand. Its beautiful, its amazing, I'm in awe.

However, I shouldn't be 26 weeks pregnant, I should be 33, I should be getting ready to meet the little angel we lost. I should be in the single week count down, I should be almost prepared. Our angel left and we got our rainbow three short weeks later.

Its a complicated mixture of pain and excitement. Each milestone we reached with Judah is full of excitement and love, its also full of grief. These are milestones we didn't get to meet with our angel. We are so amazed that Judah is alive, so ready to meet him, to hold him, to love on him. But how much more complicated will our emotions be? The losses after having our daughter were much harder, they had a face. We lost four more after having her, and now we have a Judah to fill our arms.

Its complicated, one baby does not fill the holes those lost created.

Judah

We recently had our 6th ultrasound this past Thursday. Much to our amazement and joy, we are blessed to announce that we have a healthy baby boy. All measurements, testing, you name it, have come back completely normal. He, our son, it healthy. He is thriving. He is alive.

I never dreamt that I would be able to say we are actually going to have another baby, that I was going to be able to see my daughter hold a sibling in her arms. Its an overwhelming thought, a truly amazing feeling of being overwhelmed.

In all our joy we are humbled. Our fears, the horrific dreams, the anxiety. The road we have come down, the things we have overcome. I am humbled. I am in awe that I am now preparing for a boy to come. The crib is in our room, small amounts of clothing have been collected along with the most beautiful, brightly colored cloth diapers. My son, Judah Azariah will live, he does live, he will breath. By the grace of God, I will be able to see my child breathe.

WHAT?!

I realize its been a long time since I sat and wrote. Things have been interesting to put it mildly...

Since writing last we had our fifth miscarriage in March. It was a bitter and horrible miscarriage because it marked what my husband and I had agreed on after we lost our second baby, where we would stop. We would no longer try to have a baby, our family could not go through anymore pain. It was so painful in so many ways. It was saying goodbye to a dream while watching my sister in law who was around 30weeks pregnant get hers. I lost the precious baby March 3rd.

March 23rd was when my brother and soon to be sister in law (mentioned aboved) were set to be married. Was a beautiful wedding, and I was so happy for them! A lot of work had gone into this wedding as does in any wedding, we all were relieved to be done. At this point it had been almost 3 weeks since I lost our 5th angel, and I was coming to terms with being done, I hurt still from losing the baby, but the relief that we wouldn't have to be in that position again was beginning to grow.

April 2nd....My dad's birthday...wasn't feeling too right...was a little late for my period (tho not uncommon after a loss)...took a test...and yelled OMFG!!!!!!! Yeah....I was at work and had picked up a pregnancy test just to ease my mind and help me continue to move forward. The STRONG positive on the test?! Yeah wasn't in the plan, and caught me off guard. I didn't know what to do. I was shocked and confused and so very scared.

A few weeks later my husband and I walked hand in hand to the OBGYN and watched the ultrasound screen almost too afraid to look...and then, the most beautiful sound a mother and father can hear, a heartbeat. Our little bean who at this point had stuck past the dreaded 6wk mark (4 out of 5 of my miscarriages have been before 6wks). Joy with the mixture of fear filled us. We still were not sure this baby would make it, but we celebrated that the baby was with us at that point.

Let us fast forward to present. I am currently 21wks pregnant with that little surprise bean we have come to call Elfy. We find out tomorrow what sex the baby is. We are still stunned that we are here, that we have this chance again. There are days that fear brings me to the brink of tears and others that the joy makes me want to dance and tell everyone about our little miracle. I cannot wait to be able to meet this baby, to hold and to thank the Lord that He gave us another miracle. I find myself still unable to imagine holding this baby, too much has been lost and this has been a transition of thought that hasn't been smooth. We still hold our daily fears that this is too good to be true and the baby will soon leave us. However, we look forward and enjoy each day that we get to share with out little Elfy.

You're Infertile

"You're infertile and heading towards premature ovarian failure, I'm sorry, but we can start talking about other ways to have a child"

Infertile.....

Failure.....

You are an infertile failure of a woman.....

Those words are like death, they shred and tear at the last bit of hope that was remaining. All of my conditions that contributed to losing so many babies are also contributing to killing any chance that we may have to get pregnant again. 

I sit here and look at my daughter and my pregnant sister in law and just want to hide, run from it all. If this had been my choice I would have been ok with it, but no it was taken from me right after spending this week saying and getting excited about trying another cycle. I would be finding out right on Christmas and that sounded amazing, instead...the likelihood of getting pregnant is almost nothing and I would get to see those two lines on a test for Christmas. 

How is it even possible that at 24 my body has thrown in the towel to creating babies? What to do from here? How to deal with this? So many questions I cannot answer.

I'm still praying that somehow we get pregnant this month, but doubt we will and that breaks my heart. Just another tick to add to the damage my body has done to itself. 

So how do you feel about that?

You see the question, "How does that make you feel?" in any movie that has a therapy scene. And then you see the person in the seat wiggle a bit and cough and look somewhere else in the room, any where but at that person who is asking such a question. For someone who had never been in that situation it seemed a little silly. Seems like such a stupid question to ask someone when they are not in the best frame of mind. But really...its not such an easy question.

First I will tell you I am not an open book, for the most part. I am blunt and mostly unemotional. I am analytical in the way I see things, black and white. Yet even with all that, you mention the word baby and I have rolling tears falling down my face. As much as I try to move on and bury the pain of losing the babies, its not been as easy as I thought it should have been. So I attended counseling last night....

I was that person being asked, "How does losing your babies make you feel?". How does it make me feel? What kind of question is that? Are you some kind of idiot!?

It hurts.

 "But what does it make you feel?" How do could I answer that. How does it make me feel, well I feel like I have been crushed, like someone is beating me with a huge stick, like part of my soul is missing. I feel broken, I feel hurt, I feel hopeless, I feel alone. Saying those things...saying those things is so much harder than writing or thinking those things. Opening up your band aid to air your wound stings. I avoided her eyes, I looked for something on the walls to focus on so she couldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes. The thought of, "I am not weak, I don't want to look weak, they don't need to see you cry, you have no reason to cry..." running over and over in my thoughts. Then the question, "Are you angry?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Really what kind of question is that?! I have lost four pregnancies of course I am angry, I'm sitting in this room! If I wasn't angry do you really think I would be sitting in this room with a bunch of people crying? HECK NO! But how do you put anger into words, yes I am angry, how could I not be angry.

The questions kept coming, and I stuttered and answered in sentences that gave as little as possible because too much information was not what they needed. All the times I've been told that I didn't have it that bad, and at least my losses were early before I became attached, the times I've been time that as miscarriages go I have it easy...those things have made me doubt my remorse, made me second guess my tears. But, no, I didn't have it easy. I lost four of MY babies, not just little cells, they weren't any less belonging to me because I didn't get much time with them. They were my babies, I lost my babies too soon. They were MY babies. My loss was significant.

I ran out of the room and to the car when the session was over and began gasping for air. I felt like I could not breathe. After minutes of struggling to breathe, relief, not a lot but a little. Someone instead of trying to make me feel better by downplaying what I was going through, just said yes those were your babies and your allowed to feel this much pain. She didn't try to make me feel better, she wanted me to finally let myself feel what I have been keeping locked up. I didn't unlock most of it, and I am fearful of the day that I do unlock it.

But for now as I work towards picking that lock I am left with, those were my babies, I lost my babies too soon. My babies, my children, my loves....

Going Forward

So we did not get pregnant very much to our dismay. We are at a stand still now, because of my work schedule we are forced to stop trying for a little while, the soonest we could begin again would be July 2012 (which ironically would have been around the due date if we got pregnant this month). But honestly we are not sure with what we want to do. While we would love to give our daughter a sibling I'm really beginning to feel like maybe its just not going to happen. So, I'm selling most of the baby items. I think having them around the house is making it harder to make a good decision for our family. I feel like they are pressuring us to have another, and I feel free knowing that they will soon be out of the house. Heck I don't even care if I sell all of it, I just want it gone, so whatever is left is going to goodwill and will not come back in this house! I am moving on! If in July we feel like we want to try for another we can, but if we decide that we wont then we can begin finding a way to be content.

I feel like a much stronger person, I believe that my miscarriages have opened me up a bit and I find myself sharing with people our story about our miracle baby and the babies we cannot wait to meet. I hope that by being open about how hard it has been to lose so many babies, or how rough a pregnancy is with a chronic pain condition that perhaps one day it will help a young woman in my shoes. I can't say I've really met anyone who has been open about their losses, or is open about how bad a pregnancy can be. I heard a lot of horror stories about labor, but not many of the good ones. Why can't we just be open and helpful? Why as women do we feel the need to hide things that make us imperfect or try to top one another. I am in no ways perfect. I have weight issues, I have JRA, I have fibromyalgia, I have pernicious anemia, I have asthma and I have one child from five pregnancies. I am no where near perfect. But I think in my imperfection and all we have gone through as a family I have a lot to teach, and I would hate to not talk about this to someone who may very well need to hear my story.

So I'm going forward. I'm enjoying my daughter and not focusing on the longing in my heart for more, I'm celebrating her life and not continually mourning the lives I lost for this time on earth. I am working my butt off at the gym, I'm working on my diet and medications to get my conditions back on track. I'm moving forward, and I'm going to teach myself not to look back.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today we raise awareness to the struggle that most women face in silence. Losing a child before birth makes people uncomfortable, its taboo to talk about, and depending on who your talking to they may not even view your loss as a loss to mourn. So I stand and say I have lost four precious angels, Feb2007, May2010, Feb 2011, July 2011. Tho none of these babies made it very long they are still very dear to my heart and I CANNOT wait until the day that I get to hold them and kiss their faces. No woman should have to struggle with the pain of losing a pregnant, she esp shouldn't have to do so in silence!

The 2 Week Wait

So unplanned we were not protected during the fertile forecast days in my cycle. And now I find myself in the 2 week wait. For those of you who don't know, its the 2 weeks after you ovulate and you sit not knowing for two weeks, sometimes more if a conception and implantation took place. Its much harder than it sounds. I find myself doubting and hoping that I wont hope that we get pregnant. I'm scared that we will, and I'm even more scared that we wont. I want a baby in our family so badly, we hadn't really planned on trying again this year, and haven't decided if we would even try next year. After losing so many precious angel babies its hard to keep trying, the fear and anxiety builds up to a point you can't recognize yourself. I dread Oct. 26th right now because I know for a little bit that day I will feel crushed and very hurt. It seems too good to be true that we would get pregnant, or get pregnant and be able to keep that baby.

Another hit

Today was just a day that by the time I got home I just wanted to end. Had to leave the house all day last minute because of the bug sprayer, took a 20month old around town for hours today, she skipped naps, ran in front of a couple cars, threw multiple tantrums. I almost got hit by a car and about choked on my heart when she ran into the street. I was so tired...I asked my dear husband to put her to sleep tonight so I could take care of some business. And while dealing with it got on facebook and played one of the puzzle games that I am sad to admit I am slightly addicted to. While doing so I ran into something that should have made me very excited...instead it sent me into a 4.5 hour bawling so hard my sides hurt spell.

I have a friend who is pregnant, a friend who recently lost a child. I am so happy for her and for her family to be able to have another chance. I pray for them and hope it goes well this time...However she has my due date. The date I was looking forward to for the 8 days I was able to hold my baby inside. April 4, 2012 was the day I was suppose to bring a new life into the world, and I don't get that, she does.

OH that horrible monster grew up inside me and tore me apart. Every bone, muscle and being of my body cried out in pain from the loss that we had. Never before in our four losses has someone I know had our due date. It may sound stupid, it may sound mean spirited...I meant no harm, but it hurt. My soul longs for the babies I cannot hold, my heart aches for the moments I wont be able to soothe their cries, my arms scream out of the emptiness they feel...my body mourns for those babies. And while I cannot change things and I have to move on and heal, there are some pieces that just aren't coming back.

Am I a monster? I don't think so. I take joy that women I know do not know the loss that we have, and I take more joy in the women who know a loss much greater than ours having another chance. I struggle tho to come to a understanding of why we cannot have another chance, and why God repeatedly rips my babies from my womb. I'm sure that with time the pain will decrease and that these babies will not be at the front of my brain. I hope that one day I understand why I was chosen to endure these trials. Until then, I will try my hardest to continue to take joy in the miracle of life, even...if it is not ours.

I pray especially hard for this baby that is due on this special day. I pray that God blesses this family more than they could imagine and that this child knows how special he/she is. I pray for this baby.

Monday

I would imagine I'm part of the majority of people who hate Monday. I hate sending my husband to work after a short weekend of seeing him. I hate the mess that the weekend leaves for me to clean. I hate the two day break and trying to talk myself into going to the gym. I just can't stand it!


Parts of Monday I suppose can be good. Brand new week and new choices and adventures. New weekends coming to spend time with my husband. A lot of new with each Monday. After my break down yesterday I think something new is good. I've talked with many ladies who are very encouraging and trying to ease my mind. They are all urging us that we should continue trying and that we will have another baby. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, but maybe I can begin getting ready. My main goal at this point is to lose the weight that I have gained moving across the country and having my last baby, a whopping 120lbs!


Yes you read that right I need to lose 120lbs! I am at the highest weight I have ever been in my entire life, and I hate every moment of this fat suit. I need to get rid of it. And while I've been trying to lose it, I've not done anything extreme or serious and in the last 3 months I've lost a tiny 6lbs. Its down to business! I have to do this! For my husband, I want to be the sexy young woman he married almost 5 years ago. For my daughter I want to be the mom who has energy that never ends and can out run her (hehehehe). For me, I want to feel beautiful again, I don't want to feel like I can't take a picture of myself because I disgust myself. I don't want to lose out on anything. Especially if I don't get another chance to have a baby I don't want to lose out.


So here is goes, this will be day one! My final goal is 180lbs, still a lot by normal standards, but for me I'm a size 11 at that weight (and not I'm not tall only 5'6"). I am at my last weigh in Friday 303lbs...HUGE! But now its not a secret and I have to get rid of it!....now to begin Monday....

Back to life.

Sunday July 24th was ringing in my head today. It was a typical Sunday, we went to a new church in our quest to find a new Church home, came home had lunch, played with our daughter, and made dinner and went to bed. Only we had known for 3 days that a tiny little baby was growing inside of me. A tiny baby that we were falling in love with at every second and couldn't stop talking about....

Fast forward to today...back to church after a couple weeks of missing church do to life. Everything was going well, we had a great Sunday school class, the preacher was inspired and having fun with his lesson. I was enjoying the morning so much, until about half way through it...it hit me....we were in the same pew, the same church, the same people, the same topic of the sermon...only one this was missing.....my baby. I wasn't wanting to puke on the people in front of me today, I wasn't filled with that extreme exhaustion I had felt that last Sunday...no, today I was empty. I was just me. At that point dread began filling my mind and I just wanted to stand up and yell and take my poor body out of that place, the place the seemed to be mocking what I was going through. The sermon was on goodness, a fruit of the spirit, and ways to strive so that we can produce goodness. Goodness...irony...or just a cruel cruel joke of what I am facing right now? I know we can't know what God's plan for our life is, or why he has allowed us to lose so many babies. I can't answer any of my questions, and I cannot get rid of this desire even in all of my pain right now. I am confused. I am hurt. I am scared. I just am there.

Returning to a new normal

There is a silent mourning that can be heard at all times. It pulls and it tears, its piercing singing wouldn't leave my ears. I have to find a way to silence it, because with its deafening impact will scar more that the event that caused that scream to begin. I don't have answers, I have a lot of anger and a lot of questions...and immense amount of pain. I have to begin again, as something new. Because each lost takes something with it. I'm not the same woman I was when the week began. I feel years older and harder. However some things cannot change, I have to be a mother and a wife. I have to hug and kiss the daughter that I do get a chance to hold. I have to hold and comfort my husband and let him see that things will move on and that our family will be fine. We have choices to make, choices no one should have to make, but they are at our feet waiting. The choice seems clear we keep dear what we have, but we do not try to add.

Hopefully one day we will be blessed with the opportunity to provide a home and family to a child who was born without that. I look forward to the day when I can look into the eyes of the child that will fill the void I feel when I sit at the dinner table, who's laughter will ring off the walls and smile light up the people who have the blessing of being able to see it. I look forward to that day. I will leave this moment in my memory, the pain and the sorrow of what I have lost. I have to look forward, I have to learn to hope again. There is a void in this family, its present to my eyes, one day it wont be there.