Another hit

Today was just a day that by the time I got home I just wanted to end. Had to leave the house all day last minute because of the bug sprayer, took a 20month old around town for hours today, she skipped naps, ran in front of a couple cars, threw multiple tantrums. I almost got hit by a car and about choked on my heart when she ran into the street. I was so tired...I asked my dear husband to put her to sleep tonight so I could take care of some business. And while dealing with it got on facebook and played one of the puzzle games that I am sad to admit I am slightly addicted to. While doing so I ran into something that should have made me very excited...instead it sent me into a 4.5 hour bawling so hard my sides hurt spell.

I have a friend who is pregnant, a friend who recently lost a child. I am so happy for her and for her family to be able to have another chance. I pray for them and hope it goes well this time...However she has my due date. The date I was looking forward to for the 8 days I was able to hold my baby inside. April 4, 2012 was the day I was suppose to bring a new life into the world, and I don't get that, she does.

OH that horrible monster grew up inside me and tore me apart. Every bone, muscle and being of my body cried out in pain from the loss that we had. Never before in our four losses has someone I know had our due date. It may sound stupid, it may sound mean spirited...I meant no harm, but it hurt. My soul longs for the babies I cannot hold, my heart aches for the moments I wont be able to soothe their cries, my arms scream out of the emptiness they feel...my body mourns for those babies. And while I cannot change things and I have to move on and heal, there are some pieces that just aren't coming back.

Am I a monster? I don't think so. I take joy that women I know do not know the loss that we have, and I take more joy in the women who know a loss much greater than ours having another chance. I struggle tho to come to a understanding of why we cannot have another chance, and why God repeatedly rips my babies from my womb. I'm sure that with time the pain will decrease and that these babies will not be at the front of my brain. I hope that one day I understand why I was chosen to endure these trials. Until then, I will try my hardest to continue to take joy in the miracle of life, even...if it is not ours.

I pray especially hard for this baby that is due on this special day. I pray that God blesses this family more than they could imagine and that this child knows how special he/she is. I pray for this baby.