Back to life.

Sunday July 24th was ringing in my head today. It was a typical Sunday, we went to a new church in our quest to find a new Church home, came home had lunch, played with our daughter, and made dinner and went to bed. Only we had known for 3 days that a tiny little baby was growing inside of me. A tiny baby that we were falling in love with at every second and couldn't stop talking about....

Fast forward to today...back to church after a couple weeks of missing church do to life. Everything was going well, we had a great Sunday school class, the preacher was inspired and having fun with his lesson. I was enjoying the morning so much, until about half way through it...it hit me....we were in the same pew, the same church, the same people, the same topic of the sermon...only one this was missing.....my baby. I wasn't wanting to puke on the people in front of me today, I wasn't filled with that extreme exhaustion I had felt that last Sunday...no, today I was empty. I was just me. At that point dread began filling my mind and I just wanted to stand up and yell and take my poor body out of that place, the place the seemed to be mocking what I was going through. The sermon was on goodness, a fruit of the spirit, and ways to strive so that we can produce goodness. Goodness...irony...or just a cruel cruel joke of what I am facing right now? I know we can't know what God's plan for our life is, or why he has allowed us to lose so many babies. I can't answer any of my questions, and I cannot get rid of this desire even in all of my pain right now. I am confused. I am hurt. I am scared. I just am there.