You see the question, "How does that make you feel?" in any movie that has a therapy scene. And then you see the person in the seat wiggle a bit and cough and look somewhere else in the room, any where but at that person who is asking such a question. For someone who had never been in that situation it seemed a little silly. Seems like such a stupid question to ask someone when they are not in the best frame of mind. But really...its not such an easy question.
First I will tell you I am not an open book, for the most part. I am blunt and mostly unemotional. I am analytical in the way I see things, black and white. Yet even with all that, you mention the word baby and I have rolling tears falling down my face. As much as I try to move on and bury the pain of losing the babies, its not been as easy as I thought it should have been. So I attended counseling last night....
I was that person being asked, "How does losing your babies make you feel?". How does it make me feel? What kind of question is that? Are you some kind of idiot!?
It hurts.
"But what does it make you feel?" How do could I answer that. How does it make me feel, well I feel like I have been crushed, like someone is beating me with a huge stick, like part of my soul is missing. I feel broken, I feel hurt, I feel hopeless, I feel alone. Saying those things...saying those things is so much harder than writing or thinking those things. Opening up your band aid to air your wound stings. I avoided her eyes, I looked for something on the walls to focus on so she couldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes. The thought of, "I am not weak, I don't want to look weak, they don't need to see you cry, you have no reason to cry..." running over and over in my thoughts. Then the question, "Are you angry?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Really what kind of question is that?! I have lost four pregnancies of course I am angry, I'm sitting in this room! If I wasn't angry do you really think I would be sitting in this room with a bunch of people crying? HECK NO! But how do you put anger into words, yes I am angry, how could I not be angry.
The questions kept coming, and I stuttered and answered in sentences that gave as little as possible because too much information was not what they needed. All the times I've been told that I didn't have it that bad, and at least my losses were early before I became attached, the times I've been time that as miscarriages go I have it easy...those things have made me doubt my remorse, made me second guess my tears. But, no, I didn't have it easy. I lost four of MY babies, not just little cells, they weren't any less belonging to me because I didn't get much time with them. They were my babies, I lost my babies too soon. They were MY babies. My loss was significant.
I ran out of the room and to the car when the session was over and began gasping for air. I felt like I could not breathe. After minutes of struggling to breathe, relief, not a lot but a little. Someone instead of trying to make me feel better by downplaying what I was going through, just said yes those were your babies and your allowed to feel this much pain. She didn't try to make me feel better, she wanted me to finally let myself feel what I have been keeping locked up. I didn't unlock most of it, and I am fearful of the day that I do unlock it.
But for now as I work towards picking that lock I am left with, those were my babies, I lost my babies too soon. My babies, my children, my loves....
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