20 months and 1.5 hours ago a little girl emerged in the world. She refused to breath at first and scared the room with possibilities an complications. She brought so much joy to her dad that he passed out on the floor and then was whisked away.
I still smell the OR, I still see my husband in the hallway with his feet up in the air and nurses all around him as they took me to recovery. I still feel the mix of joy and fear. 20 months, it has gone so fast. Now I sit and watch my little toddler sleeping on the couch sucking her little thumb. And can't believe I've already had so much time with her. Amazing little girl!
Happy 20 months Goose!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Monday
I would imagine I'm part of the majority of people who hate Monday. I hate sending my husband to work after a short weekend of seeing him. I hate the mess that the weekend leaves for me to clean. I hate the two day break and trying to talk myself into going to the gym. I just can't stand it!
Parts of Monday I suppose can be good. Brand new week and new choices and adventures. New weekends coming to spend time with my husband. A lot of new with each Monday. After my break down yesterday I think something new is good. I've talked with many ladies who are very encouraging and trying to ease my mind. They are all urging us that we should continue trying and that we will have another baby. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, but maybe I can begin getting ready. My main goal at this point is to lose the weight that I have gained moving across the country and having my last baby, a whopping 120lbs!
Yes you read that right I need to lose 120lbs! I am at the highest weight I have ever been in my entire life, and I hate every moment of this fat suit. I need to get rid of it. And while I've been trying to lose it, I've not done anything extreme or serious and in the last 3 months I've lost a tiny 6lbs. Its down to business! I have to do this! For my husband, I want to be the sexy young woman he married almost 5 years ago. For my daughter I want to be the mom who has energy that never ends and can out run her (hehehehe). For me, I want to feel beautiful again, I don't want to feel like I can't take a picture of myself because I disgust myself. I don't want to lose out on anything. Especially if I don't get another chance to have a baby I don't want to lose out.
So here is goes, this will be day one! My final goal is 180lbs, still a lot by normal standards, but for me I'm a size 11 at that weight (and not I'm not tall only 5'6"). I am at my last weigh in Friday 303lbs...HUGE! But now its not a secret and I have to get rid of it!....now to begin Monday....
Parts of Monday I suppose can be good. Brand new week and new choices and adventures. New weekends coming to spend time with my husband. A lot of new with each Monday. After my break down yesterday I think something new is good. I've talked with many ladies who are very encouraging and trying to ease my mind. They are all urging us that we should continue trying and that we will have another baby. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, but maybe I can begin getting ready. My main goal at this point is to lose the weight that I have gained moving across the country and having my last baby, a whopping 120lbs!
Yes you read that right I need to lose 120lbs! I am at the highest weight I have ever been in my entire life, and I hate every moment of this fat suit. I need to get rid of it. And while I've been trying to lose it, I've not done anything extreme or serious and in the last 3 months I've lost a tiny 6lbs. Its down to business! I have to do this! For my husband, I want to be the sexy young woman he married almost 5 years ago. For my daughter I want to be the mom who has energy that never ends and can out run her (hehehehe). For me, I want to feel beautiful again, I don't want to feel like I can't take a picture of myself because I disgust myself. I don't want to lose out on anything. Especially if I don't get another chance to have a baby I don't want to lose out.
So here is goes, this will be day one! My final goal is 180lbs, still a lot by normal standards, but for me I'm a size 11 at that weight (and not I'm not tall only 5'6"). I am at my last weigh in Friday 303lbs...HUGE! But now its not a secret and I have to get rid of it!....now to begin Monday....
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Back to life.
Sunday July 24th was ringing in my head today. It was a typical Sunday, we went to a new church in our quest to find a new Church home, came home had lunch, played with our daughter, and made dinner and went to bed. Only we had known for 3 days that a tiny little baby was growing inside of me. A tiny baby that we were falling in love with at every second and couldn't stop talking about....
Fast forward to today...back to church after a couple weeks of missing church do to life. Everything was going well, we had a great Sunday school class, the preacher was inspired and having fun with his lesson. I was enjoying the morning so much, until about half way through it...it hit me....we were in the same pew, the same church, the same people, the same topic of the sermon...only one this was missing.....my baby. I wasn't wanting to puke on the people in front of me today, I wasn't filled with that extreme exhaustion I had felt that last Sunday...no, today I was empty. I was just me. At that point dread began filling my mind and I just wanted to stand up and yell and take my poor body out of that place, the place the seemed to be mocking what I was going through. The sermon was on goodness, a fruit of the spirit, and ways to strive so that we can produce goodness. Goodness...irony...or just a cruel cruel joke of what I am facing right now? I know we can't know what God's plan for our life is, or why he has allowed us to lose so many babies. I can't answer any of my questions, and I cannot get rid of this desire even in all of my pain right now. I am confused. I am hurt. I am scared. I just am there.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)