I Remember....

I remember when I took my first pregnancy test Jan 2007, the fear and the pain I felt knowing that this little baby inside of me had no chance in the world because of medication I was on. I remember feeling alone, I remember crying and curling up in a ball on the bathroom floor, and trembling when I told my husband. I remember right after I had lost the baby becoming so inconsolable that my husband called my mom over who held me not knowing what was going on. I remember feeling alone. We didn't talk to anyone about our loss for a year. We didn't talk to each other about that baby. 

I remember when I took another test in April 2009, we had decided to try for a baby, and the test was positive. But full of fear and excitement we ran and began telling people about the baby I was growing inside of me. My husband and I were afraid but as soon as we passed the 7 week mark, passed the only milestone we had ever known, a loss, we felt good and relieved about our pregnancy. Many rough months later, Dec 2009 we had a rainbow miracle baby in our arms. She was perfect and we loved her so much.

I remember May 2010 when we found out we were pregnant again unexpectedly. I was confused and scared because my baby girl was only 5 months old, but I was excited and happy. My husband was terrified lol, but he was happy. We got to hold that baby until I was just past 5wks pregnant and that baby was taken away too soon. I remember when they bleeding happened, the cramping and the emotional pain. I knew what I was losing this time, I could look into my daughter's face and know that her sibling would have looked somewhat like this. It was horrific. I again felt alone. I did tell my mom this time and she said she was sorry, but nothing else was said or done. 

I remember Feb 2011 when we had begun trying again for a baby. We had found out the beginning of the month that we were pregnant with that baby. We thought of telling everyone Valentines day of our miracle, never did we dream that the day before we planned to tell we would be saying goodbye. I again curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, only this time my husband was crying with me. 

I remember July 2011 when we found out we again had gotten pregnant, this time we had only fear. I wanted to hold and to love this baby, but something inside knew it wasn't going to happen. I said goodbye to that baby at just over 5wks pregnant. My husband and I began talking about not trying, that maybe after all we were only suppose to have our daughter. We clung to her and cried. Looked in her sweet face and knew the love we shared and cried even more. 

I remember Feb 2012 after getting the devastating news in Dec that we would most likely be unable to conceive a child, and if we did the child had little chance of making it that we were pregnant. I got sick so quickly with that pregnancy, I had more and more hope as each day passed. And then an ultrasound...there was no baby, everything had developed except the baby. A couple days before my husband's birthday we said goodbye to our fifth angel. 

I remember April 2012 after deciding we would never get pregnant again, that the pain we had been through was too much, we were pregnant. I had no hope, I had fear, I had no excitement, I had love. I wanted to know this baby would be fine, but I didn't think it was possible at this point. First ultrasound the baby measured very behind from what it should have and my heart crumbled. I began trying to prepare myself. Days, weeks continued. I had moments where I was sure I was going to have to say goodbye again, I remember standing in the shower holding my stomach crying to God to not make me go through this again, to not force me to say goodbye, pleading that the baby stay with me. I remember each night just repeating over and over, "Baby don't leave me, Baby don't leave me, your mommy loves you so much, please baby don't leave me." That baby thankfully has not left me, and we are looking forward to meeting him in about 7 wks. 

Losing a baby changes you, no matter how new that baby is, or how little of time you've known about that baby, it changes you. I am forever changed. I carry a pain and a hole that will never go away. I celebrate the rainbows I've been given every day, and thank God that he has given me my miracles. But today I remember, I remember the joy and the love that I have for my angels. I remember the pain and pray for the other families who are dealing with that pain. Losing a baby should not be something kept silent. These angels are miracles and should be celebrated. I will never be silent or alone again in this. I will speak out for these babies and for the women who feel alone and crippled by pain. 

Tonight at 7p.m. we light a candle for the angels. For our babies, for the babies of my friends, for the babies who were taken too soon. 

Stress

Oh the dreaded land of stress. Seems to hit at the best times. You think you finally have a foot on things and BAM! You lose the footing underneath you. Whether its health, money, both...those two things seem to be the worst stress imaginable. Unfortunately this week, well we seem to have our fair share of both.

My 30wk apt went well with the doctor, but there is some concern about the size of the baby and the possibility that I have extra fluid. Could mean nothing, could mean a lot of horrible things. When your pregnant you tend to dwell on the horrible too much.

Then the money. This time of year is always tight for us, we are on the last of our savings from when I was working. So when unexpected things come in the mail, oh it just boils your blood. Needless to say, the last of our emergency fund is gone. God help us for the next few months.

So tonight, sitting alone downstairs feeling my blood pressure in my ears I realized I have let the little and the big things of this week overwhelm me. I have taken the control out of God's hands and have tried to take control myself. As hard as it is I need to let it go. There is a reason behind all of this, there is a plan. God has a plan. Those bills were suppose to come this week, the baby is suppose to be doing what he is doing, the house is ok to be a mess, my daughter at 2 is allowed to have bad tantrum filled days. These are out of my control. I need to trust and give them over to God. He can handle these much better than I can, only with his help will we make it through. It probably wont feel very comfortable, but growing pains never do.

I'm not scared, I'm informed

Deciding how to bring a child into the world and what happens to that child in the few days after they come into the world is the hardest decision I have been faced with. Its final, no go backs, no changing tactics or adapting, its final. Parenting while hard you learn as you go, its a curve. You change and adapt as the child teaches you. But getting the kid into the world...no help there.

So you do your reading, you ask the authorities on the matter, you shift through the scare tactics and the gut wrenching stories. You become confused and possibly overwhelmed by everything thrown into your face and then if you have opposition from the people around you, it only makes it worse.

With our daughter we chose to be induced at 39 weeks. When the word got out EVERYONE made it their mission to tell me how wrong I was, and how I was only going to end up with a horrible unneeded emergency c-section, how I was putting my child into unneeded danger. ONLY one lady told me to ignore it all and do what my gut was telling me. I had no medical reason to induce, but our OB was leaving town over our due date, I was in horrible pain (lupus and fibro make pregnancy fun) and it felt right. I can't explain it but it just felt right. So we went in to be induce, got the gel to help soften my cervix and started getting period like cramping, nothing terrible, not even really painful, just uncomfortable. In the process my daughter began having decelerations in her heartbeat and then wasn't recovering. So I was rushed into the OR and a spinal block was placed and my daughter was born, with one of the largest true knots that my OB had ever seen. She had no tolerated any of the mini contractions I was having, I wouldn't have even been at the hospital! No one would have been watching her heartbeat, I could have lost her during labor had I not induced. I went with my gut, I stood strong and I have my daughter to show for it. I will NEVER regret that choice.

So onto baby Judah we were faced with the option of a VBAC. I had been dreaming of having one since we began trying to get pregnant. I had done my research, knew the risks, knew it was a better choice for most women. However soon after beginning our prenatal visits it became apparent to my husband and I that it was not right for Judah. We have some medical reasons, and some personal reasons. I was not talked into it by my OB, in fact my OB said it was up to me and that was the most I have ever heard her talk about it! But in my gut, and after a lot of prayer, Judah will be brought into the world through c-section. From the moment we voiced our choice the attacks began again. Its frustrating to not feel any support by many people. Our family thankfully understands and supports our choice. I hope to know why he needs to be born this way, if not, I am at peace.

So many choices, birth, circumcision...you do your research you make an informed decision, you listen to your gut and the whole world can back off!