I had thought that after losing so many babies, after working through those emotions, after carrying that pain hidden away so many years, I thought I was done adding to that pain. Now, now I have a new pain added. My uterus is gone...I cannot, will not, never again carry a life inside me. I am, incapable. The first year after my uterus was gone it didn't bother me, I was happy to have my life back and regain my health after so many years of struggles. It wasn't until recently that I began to grieve.
I began to grieve because my brother and his wife are pregnant with their third child. They have gone through their own struggles the past few months to get to this place. They have had to live the ordeal of losing a baby, losing two babies...but they have this rainbow blooming, this ray of sunshine that will add joy and laughter to their family. I am incredibly happy for them. Yet in this joy, there is a feeling of complete despair. I am incapable.
Its a strange place to be in, grieving the loss of something you didn't plan to use again. However, it was a part of me. My uterus was the place that brought me some of the greatest joy I have ever experienced, it is also the place where indescribable pain came from.
I gained two beautiful children, I lost 5 beautiful babies....and now I have lost the place that nurtured all seven of their lives. I have lost the ability to nurture a life. I am not sure when this pain ends, or when the grief calms down. I do wonder if its like the loss of anything, the pain gets less noticeable, but it stays dormant inside, always apart of you.
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Monday, August 26, 2013
Ah....
We are fully moved into the new house, beginning to immerse ourselves into school, well at least T and I are, and hubby has made it to his second week of a new job.
I have to say this year has been one of the most stressful years I have ever had to endure. Its nearly September and I feel as though I am waiting for the boring to come, for mundane. Oh, how I miss mundane. The worries over work and pumping enough milk to feed the baby, the choice of if I would stay in my marriage, the decision to move across states, the waiting for the house, the waiting for a job, the being without health insurance since May with two young children. Its been a lot. But here I am sitting in my lavender bedroom in the house that I own about $300 of, lol, but at least I own part of it. Its beyond what I thought this year would bring us. I cannot even imagine living with my family in our old home. Doing the things we are doing on a daily basis in our condo. Its nice.
Its not been without its doubts though. I sit back no and think gosh you were an idiot! Why did you stress about that when God took care of _____, and _______, and ________....Instead each challenge has resulted in a lot of lost sleep, and a lot of pleading prayers. Such as this last week, we had $130 in our checking account to last 2 weeks for groceries and gas...have you seen gas prices? So really that's gas for two weeks. But as the food began to dwindle in the house and the stress rose up, the resources to fill our house with food and may some hefty medical bills came through. Every need has been met along the way. It didn't happen as soon as I would have liked, it didn't always happen in the way I thought it should, but it happened.
So I sit here tonight in my cool home, listening to my J snore and knowing T is down the hall in her room sleeping I am content. And I strive to remind myself of these times. We were carried to the brink, to increase our faith. None of this could have happened without Christ. The miracles my family has seen in the 4 short months I've lived here in this new place, its beyond me.
I have to say this year has been one of the most stressful years I have ever had to endure. Its nearly September and I feel as though I am waiting for the boring to come, for mundane. Oh, how I miss mundane. The worries over work and pumping enough milk to feed the baby, the choice of if I would stay in my marriage, the decision to move across states, the waiting for the house, the waiting for a job, the being without health insurance since May with two young children. Its been a lot. But here I am sitting in my lavender bedroom in the house that I own about $300 of, lol, but at least I own part of it. Its beyond what I thought this year would bring us. I cannot even imagine living with my family in our old home. Doing the things we are doing on a daily basis in our condo. Its nice.
Its not been without its doubts though. I sit back no and think gosh you were an idiot! Why did you stress about that when God took care of _____, and _______, and ________....Instead each challenge has resulted in a lot of lost sleep, and a lot of pleading prayers. Such as this last week, we had $130 in our checking account to last 2 weeks for groceries and gas...have you seen gas prices? So really that's gas for two weeks. But as the food began to dwindle in the house and the stress rose up, the resources to fill our house with food and may some hefty medical bills came through. Every need has been met along the way. It didn't happen as soon as I would have liked, it didn't always happen in the way I thought it should, but it happened.
So I sit here tonight in my cool home, listening to my J snore and knowing T is down the hall in her room sleeping I am content. And I strive to remind myself of these times. We were carried to the brink, to increase our faith. None of this could have happened without Christ. The miracles my family has seen in the 4 short months I've lived here in this new place, its beyond me.
Friday, August 23, 2013
And School Begins!
With a little fear and excitement we began our first year of homeschool this week! While it may only be Pre-K, it is PRE-K!!!!!!!!!!! We are working on the foundations for EVERYTHING else she will learn in her education path she decides to take...little intimidating isn't it? The first day began ok, well rough. Her focus was no where and she played around a lot, but we pushed through and finished the day. The next day we didn't sit for lessons as we were busy going to the library and a tremendous walk (side note- never take two children alone on a 4mile walk with a one seat stroller in Aug at the hottest part of the day). The next days however went well. We worked on...
The letter Aa, and sounds it makes
Circles
What color makes purple?
Bugs!
Days of the week
She knew almost everything, so we did a lot of letter practice, she made great progress! I'm proud of her and us for completing the first week of school.
As for everything else, I'll fill in later!
The letter Aa, and sounds it makes
Circles
What color makes purple?
Bugs!
Days of the week
She knew almost everything, so we did a lot of letter practice, she made great progress! I'm proud of her and us for completing the first week of school.
As for everything else, I'll fill in later!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Boxes
Today I finished unpacking the last room of our new home. Our office/school room, in a few weeks we will begin our first year of homeschooling. I'm terrified honestly that I am going to mess this up. My little Tahly is so excited tho, she began dancing around the room today looking at all the supplies that magically came out of boxes that she had counted as lost in KY.
Today Earl was given a job offer. Which means we wont have to face the lines of unemployment, but the pay is a little less, which means becoming even more creative with the lacking budget already. When I first heard the job offer it stirred up a lot of anger, then I felt like weeping. But after some reflection, I have come to this conclusion. We have been trying to get a different job for Earl for several years now. He's gone on interviews, gone all the way to drug screening and they have all fallen through. So as I turned down our street tonight I audibly heard, "I made you stay with S______ P_______ P________ because I wanted you to move to MO, I'm taking you where I want you to be." So I'll shut up, I'll swallow my pride. This is a good thing, I am thankful for the provision for my family.
Earl also began counseling with the pastor at our new church. A completely different approach, a game plan, something. He came home excited about it, and felt comfortable with the pastor who was open with him. It felt different this time, he didn't feel judged and turned away. I am thankful for the new church and the people inside of it.
We begin new. I hope to find my smile again, so many tears lately, not all from the marriage issues, but still, too many tears. I want to be whole again and enjoy this new life we have embarked on.
Today Earl was given a job offer. Which means we wont have to face the lines of unemployment, but the pay is a little less, which means becoming even more creative with the lacking budget already. When I first heard the job offer it stirred up a lot of anger, then I felt like weeping. But after some reflection, I have come to this conclusion. We have been trying to get a different job for Earl for several years now. He's gone on interviews, gone all the way to drug screening and they have all fallen through. So as I turned down our street tonight I audibly heard, "I made you stay with S______ P_______ P________ because I wanted you to move to MO, I'm taking you where I want you to be." So I'll shut up, I'll swallow my pride. This is a good thing, I am thankful for the provision for my family.
Earl also began counseling with the pastor at our new church. A completely different approach, a game plan, something. He came home excited about it, and felt comfortable with the pastor who was open with him. It felt different this time, he didn't feel judged and turned away. I am thankful for the new church and the people inside of it.
We begin new. I hope to find my smile again, so many tears lately, not all from the marriage issues, but still, too many tears. I want to be whole again and enjoy this new life we have embarked on.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Brutal Honesty
"Did you feel your needs were being met?" Those words keep swimming in my mind, and every time they circle they sting and they cut a little more. This is what my husband was asked when sitting down with the pastor from the church we were attending when it came out that he had been hiding numerous electronic devices in our home for years to sneak copious amounts of porn and other activities that went outside what should have been an exclusive relationship. Most of our marriage in fact was mired with images of other women. And while many people in the world do not view porn as cheating. When you chose that over a normal sexual relationship with your wife, it is cheating. He had reached that level.
In response to finding out I felt shattered. I questioned when he stopped being attracted to me, why I wasn't enough for him, when he stopped loving me. I was broken, I still am broken and my self esteem is nonexistent. We had at one point sat down with our pastor and a deacon from the church and their wives, a one time meeting. During that meeting the pastor asked my husband, "Did you feel your needs were being met when you felt the desire to engage in these activities?"
As the months have passed since this came to light that is the one question that has bothered me to no end, "Did you feel your needs were being met?" As if to say if I had been better in bed, or had I been more willing to try things out of my comfort zone, or had I been able to give myself to him everyday or at every moment he wanted. Sitting there having the pastor ask my husband that and then having him say no that his needs were not always being met broke many things in me.
As I continue to work through the shambles of what this has done to a marriage, as I continue to see where this takes us and work through the ups and downs that follow...that statement haunts me. It has aided in my feeling of worthlessness. It angers me. I did not chose to go outside my marriage, I did not chose to look at other men and chose other men over my husband....my needs in several areas were not, "Being met". But I didn't make the Choice to go outside my marriage. Instead on several occasions I raised my concerns and desires. Am I really the one who has to take responsibility of my husband's lack of control, lack of commitment to our marriage? I have felt stranded through this, I feel that instead of support I was blamed on various occasions.
"Were your needs being met?" That question shouldn't have been asked. When is a marriage about you? When is it more important to seek self needs and neglect the needs of a spouse? Had eyes not been on "His needs" and more on the needs of his family and wife, I wonder if this story would have been different. So maybe the question that should have been asked was, "Were you meeting the needs of your family and wife when you engaged in these activities, or acted on these desires?"
I am not naive enough to believe that this would never be an issue for a man. Men are visual creatures and well this amazing age of technology makes it so easy, so appealing, so snarling. I look at my son and cry at times knowing that eventually, no matter how much I protect him, he will have to face these choices and will struggle with these things. It pains me to look on his sweet innocent face and know that this grime most likely will mire that innocence. I hope though that I can teach him how to show respect and love to a wife, and give him tools that help him fight these destructive desires.
In response to finding out I felt shattered. I questioned when he stopped being attracted to me, why I wasn't enough for him, when he stopped loving me. I was broken, I still am broken and my self esteem is nonexistent. We had at one point sat down with our pastor and a deacon from the church and their wives, a one time meeting. During that meeting the pastor asked my husband, "Did you feel your needs were being met when you felt the desire to engage in these activities?"
As the months have passed since this came to light that is the one question that has bothered me to no end, "Did you feel your needs were being met?" As if to say if I had been better in bed, or had I been more willing to try things out of my comfort zone, or had I been able to give myself to him everyday or at every moment he wanted. Sitting there having the pastor ask my husband that and then having him say no that his needs were not always being met broke many things in me.
As I continue to work through the shambles of what this has done to a marriage, as I continue to see where this takes us and work through the ups and downs that follow...that statement haunts me. It has aided in my feeling of worthlessness. It angers me. I did not chose to go outside my marriage, I did not chose to look at other men and chose other men over my husband....my needs in several areas were not, "Being met". But I didn't make the Choice to go outside my marriage. Instead on several occasions I raised my concerns and desires. Am I really the one who has to take responsibility of my husband's lack of control, lack of commitment to our marriage? I have felt stranded through this, I feel that instead of support I was blamed on various occasions.
"Were your needs being met?" That question shouldn't have been asked. When is a marriage about you? When is it more important to seek self needs and neglect the needs of a spouse? Had eyes not been on "His needs" and more on the needs of his family and wife, I wonder if this story would have been different. So maybe the question that should have been asked was, "Were you meeting the needs of your family and wife when you engaged in these activities, or acted on these desires?"
I am not naive enough to believe that this would never be an issue for a man. Men are visual creatures and well this amazing age of technology makes it so easy, so appealing, so snarling. I look at my son and cry at times knowing that eventually, no matter how much I protect him, he will have to face these choices and will struggle with these things. It pains me to look on his sweet innocent face and know that this grime most likely will mire that innocence. I hope though that I can teach him how to show respect and love to a wife, and give him tools that help him fight these destructive desires.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Baggage
I feel burdened
I feel broken
I feel alone
I feel devastated
I feel scared
The fresh start reeks
It reeks of old and tears
More pain
More baggage
Will this hell ever end?
I feel disappointed
I feel so hurt
I feel so worried
The fear is overwhelming
I saw the signs once more
Only this time I wasn't so naive
I knew
Lies began to pour
Each drop reopened wounds
Wounds more jagged
I worry if they could heal
I remember the vows
I remember my purity
I remember my joy
I remember my love
I remember my trust
I remember being cherished
The vows have been broken
They have been trampled in the dust
My purity was scorned
My purity was not protected
My joy is a memory
My love now hurts
My trust dissolved in the blood of each wound
I am not cherished
I am not loved
I am not......
enough
This baggage I carry
The weight is immense
I don't know how much more I can pack in these bags
My heart hurts
My wounds are gushing blood
I pray one day this hell ends
I feel broken
I feel alone
I feel devastated
I feel scared
The fresh start reeks
It reeks of old and tears
More pain
More baggage
Will this hell ever end?
I feel disappointed
I feel so hurt
I feel so worried
The fear is overwhelming
I saw the signs once more
Only this time I wasn't so naive
I knew
Lies began to pour
Each drop reopened wounds
Wounds more jagged
I worry if they could heal
I remember the vows
I remember my purity
I remember my joy
I remember my love
I remember my trust
I remember being cherished
The vows have been broken
They have been trampled in the dust
My purity was scorned
My purity was not protected
My joy is a memory
My love now hurts
My trust dissolved in the blood of each wound
I am not cherished
I am not loved
I am not......
enough
This baggage I carry
The weight is immense
I don't know how much more I can pack in these bags
My heart hurts
My wounds are gushing blood
I pray one day this hell ends
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Moving
The move to another state has been finished, we have left the our home of 5 years to embark on another journey in another state, we have bought our first house, I am bound to head back to school next month, a lot of changes.
This year has been so full of changes and I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water to keep up. The changes happen so much faster than I can process. More recent changes have been good. Our first home purchase is amazing, its a beautiful home that I cannot wait to fill with amazing memories. This house holds hope for me, it holds dreams. I look at the walls and think of all the possibilities and think of a time when we will be able to fulfill all of them. I think about the education I am about to receive and how much work it will be, but the change in lifestyle I will be able to offer my family by completing it encourages and excites me. Its a very good starting place to build on.
The move was so stressful, between packing the house with the kids, to living in the basement of my parents house for a time, to adjusting to living in a very different area than we were use to. My poor Tahly didn't do well with many steps of the move. We have been in our home nearly a month now and I am just beginning to see the sweet little girl that disappeared when the bed rest of my pregnancy began. I've missed her a lot, and we've done a lot of one-on-one to build and encourage her growth. Its amazing to see her interact with her brother. And he loves her so much. He is so patient with her grabbing him constantly or tickling him, they fit perfectly with each other, and share so much love.
I find that in all of the craziness I have left behind a very crucial part of moving to our future, my marriage. We have been in hold mode for months now. Trying to stand up from that place is very scary, and I want to scream so badly! I hurt so badly, I feel shattered most of the time. But I suppose that is part of healing, the pain has to go away eventually just as it would with any ailment.
I am excited to know what will be ahead of us in this new place. I pray that it is blessed.
This year has been so full of changes and I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water to keep up. The changes happen so much faster than I can process. More recent changes have been good. Our first home purchase is amazing, its a beautiful home that I cannot wait to fill with amazing memories. This house holds hope for me, it holds dreams. I look at the walls and think of all the possibilities and think of a time when we will be able to fulfill all of them. I think about the education I am about to receive and how much work it will be, but the change in lifestyle I will be able to offer my family by completing it encourages and excites me. Its a very good starting place to build on.
The move was so stressful, between packing the house with the kids, to living in the basement of my parents house for a time, to adjusting to living in a very different area than we were use to. My poor Tahly didn't do well with many steps of the move. We have been in our home nearly a month now and I am just beginning to see the sweet little girl that disappeared when the bed rest of my pregnancy began. I've missed her a lot, and we've done a lot of one-on-one to build and encourage her growth. Its amazing to see her interact with her brother. And he loves her so much. He is so patient with her grabbing him constantly or tickling him, they fit perfectly with each other, and share so much love.
I find that in all of the craziness I have left behind a very crucial part of moving to our future, my marriage. We have been in hold mode for months now. Trying to stand up from that place is very scary, and I want to scream so badly! I hurt so badly, I feel shattered most of the time. But I suppose that is part of healing, the pain has to go away eventually just as it would with any ailment.
I am excited to know what will be ahead of us in this new place. I pray that it is blessed.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Fresh Start
I never understood the value or the allure of a fresh start until recently. I've heard many times how so and so longs for a fresh start, or how wonderful it will be to have a clean slate.
I understand now. I am looking forward to leaving this house in a couple weeks. I am looking forward to leaving Kentucky soon. Kentucky was suppose to be our start to life, not a clean slate at the time, as we had nothing to clean, but it was suppose to be a start to our family and our life. Kentucky did not end in the fashion we had believed it would. I can say with most certainty that Kentucky brought us our children and nothing else that I would like to hold on to. I look at the walls and see the pain etched in them. I feel the suffocating stench of hardship.
I look forward to leaving behind the pain. I feel optimistic that wounds can heal better when the walls don't scream reminders. Kentucky gave me my babies....I'm ready to take them away and leave this place.
I understand now. I am looking forward to leaving this house in a couple weeks. I am looking forward to leaving Kentucky soon. Kentucky was suppose to be our start to life, not a clean slate at the time, as we had nothing to clean, but it was suppose to be a start to our family and our life. Kentucky did not end in the fashion we had believed it would. I can say with most certainty that Kentucky brought us our children and nothing else that I would like to hold on to. I look at the walls and see the pain etched in them. I feel the suffocating stench of hardship.
I look forward to leaving behind the pain. I feel optimistic that wounds can heal better when the walls don't scream reminders. Kentucky gave me my babies....I'm ready to take them away and leave this place.
Monday, April 8, 2013
4 months later...
I believe its been about 4 months since I really posted anything. What a four months this has been. Where to begin......well, Judah was my last real post, a good place to start again!
Judah is doing so well. He is the most majestic baby that has ever existed. I was unaware that a child like him could exist. He is so mild and calm, that I can count on one hand I have truly heard him cry, its such a foreign sound that when I hear it, it does no register immediately. I am so blessed to have him. I love him so much. He is rolling over, and laughing and coo-ing and the object of all of our attention. He and big sister have already created a strong bond and love each other so much. I am so amazed by how well Tahly has done with him, and how much she has grown up in these 4 months also.
Work has been insane but I have a week left. This by far has been the worst tax season that I have ever faced. Partly situational from the personal side, but a lot of it has just been horrible.
My marriage hit a breaking point in these past four months. We were hit with the infidelity stone that threw me for a loop. I wont go into the specifics, but we are trying to pick up the pieces and heal. Its been a long road, but we are working on it. Its been almost 3 months since I found out about the infidelity, it still hurts just as much as it did from day one. I wonder if this pain and the fear that pairs it will ever cease....or at least diminish.
And as a result of the complications of my pregnancy, rough job, mountain to climb in our marriage we are relocating to be closer to family. Being alone (over 300miles), away from family, away from a core support system has not been good. I look forward to the support we will have in less than a month. As we try to move we have an offer on a house! And Lord willing we will own a home and have a fresh beginning soon.
Judah is doing so well. He is the most majestic baby that has ever existed. I was unaware that a child like him could exist. He is so mild and calm, that I can count on one hand I have truly heard him cry, its such a foreign sound that when I hear it, it does no register immediately. I am so blessed to have him. I love him so much. He is rolling over, and laughing and coo-ing and the object of all of our attention. He and big sister have already created a strong bond and love each other so much. I am so amazed by how well Tahly has done with him, and how much she has grown up in these 4 months also.
Work has been insane but I have a week left. This by far has been the worst tax season that I have ever faced. Partly situational from the personal side, but a lot of it has just been horrible.
My marriage hit a breaking point in these past four months. We were hit with the infidelity stone that threw me for a loop. I wont go into the specifics, but we are trying to pick up the pieces and heal. Its been a long road, but we are working on it. Its been almost 3 months since I found out about the infidelity, it still hurts just as much as it did from day one. I wonder if this pain and the fear that pairs it will ever cease....or at least diminish.
And as a result of the complications of my pregnancy, rough job, mountain to climb in our marriage we are relocating to be closer to family. Being alone (over 300miles), away from family, away from a core support system has not been good. I look forward to the support we will have in less than a month. As we try to move we have an offer on a house! And Lord willing we will own a home and have a fresh beginning soon.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Think Before You Speak!
As a parent who trust her children to a daycare for part of the year I know the anxiety and pain it causes to have to leave your children. As you get to know the daycare and the teachers some of that goes away, but it never completely fades, at least I haven't noticed it fade in the 3 years I have had children. So as a child care provider, be careful what you say to a parent.
Earlier this week, my husband went into the daycare to pick up our kids. The director had mentioned that she had picked up the baby while he was sleeping because his cheeks were flushed, she was worried something was wrong. GOOD! Happy to hear they were watching my child, however, she then proceeded to make light and explain that she thought possibly he was suffocating and that no child would die on her watch. While I am glad she is confident that no child will perish in her time with them, I am alarmed by the statement and it grieved me. It weighed so deeply on me that I began bawling at the statement. Overreaction possibly, but considering our history...no. My children have a week before they are done with the daycare because we are moving, had we continued living here and needed childcare I would be going elsewhere. The "joke" broke the fragile confidence I had.
Not only should you be careful of mentioning death to a parent in such a casual way, but to say that to a parent, anyone who has dealt with a loss, its like cutting open wounds again. I must admit each time my baby gets sick I cling to him and cry and pray to God not to take him away from me. Why? Because my heart is still broken, and I know how fragile life is.
You have no idea how much little things said impact an individual. People really need to be more mindful before they open their mouth.
Earlier this week, my husband went into the daycare to pick up our kids. The director had mentioned that she had picked up the baby while he was sleeping because his cheeks were flushed, she was worried something was wrong. GOOD! Happy to hear they were watching my child, however, she then proceeded to make light and explain that she thought possibly he was suffocating and that no child would die on her watch. While I am glad she is confident that no child will perish in her time with them, I am alarmed by the statement and it grieved me. It weighed so deeply on me that I began bawling at the statement. Overreaction possibly, but considering our history...no. My children have a week before they are done with the daycare because we are moving, had we continued living here and needed childcare I would be going elsewhere. The "joke" broke the fragile confidence I had.
Not only should you be careful of mentioning death to a parent in such a casual way, but to say that to a parent, anyone who has dealt with a loss, its like cutting open wounds again. I must admit each time my baby gets sick I cling to him and cry and pray to God not to take him away from me. Why? Because my heart is still broken, and I know how fragile life is.
You have no idea how much little things said impact an individual. People really need to be more mindful before they open their mouth.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Happy New Year!
Here I sit 4 hours left until we great a new year marveling at what this year has been. Our family has experienced a lot of ups and downs in this year. I've felt pain and sorrow that hit my soul, we have had such joy that I still cannot believe we can celebrate. So as many people think of their goals or list things they want to get down in the new year. I am not for the first time that I can recall.
I have joined millions of others who every year say I will lose the weight, or I'll do this more, or this less. And look towards the changes I can make in this next year. But after the year we have had I have learned one thing. I only get this moment once, nothing is guaranteed. There is no saying that tomorrow I will actually be here to "change" all the things I am unhappy with. Instead I'm content.
So I do not have changes this year, I have a goal. To find the beauty in the situations that meet me today. I've been doing this a lot since our Judah joined us. Life has been a bit challenging since he came. Our 3 year old has had some issues adjusting and well, having a newborn in the house is a lot of work. I've had issues with breastfeeding, I've been double teamed with the kids overnight and live on about 3 hours of sleep a night, my house is a consistent mess, and trying to make time to feed this house....well its a challenge. But as everyone asks how we are and say sorry we are tired or such, I'm not sorry. I am so insanely happy to have our son. I am happy to be up at all hours, and even tho the mess is making me nuts, its there for a reason. I will never experience my children this young again. And most likely we will never have another newborn in the house. So while its hard and I'm exhausted I will enjoy this. I will find the beauty in it, and I will rejoice in my circumstances.
Happy New Year! I hope that it brings blessings and that whatever your goals or changes are, you are able to meet them.
I have joined millions of others who every year say I will lose the weight, or I'll do this more, or this less. And look towards the changes I can make in this next year. But after the year we have had I have learned one thing. I only get this moment once, nothing is guaranteed. There is no saying that tomorrow I will actually be here to "change" all the things I am unhappy with. Instead I'm content.
So I do not have changes this year, I have a goal. To find the beauty in the situations that meet me today. I've been doing this a lot since our Judah joined us. Life has been a bit challenging since he came. Our 3 year old has had some issues adjusting and well, having a newborn in the house is a lot of work. I've had issues with breastfeeding, I've been double teamed with the kids overnight and live on about 3 hours of sleep a night, my house is a consistent mess, and trying to make time to feed this house....well its a challenge. But as everyone asks how we are and say sorry we are tired or such, I'm not sorry. I am so insanely happy to have our son. I am happy to be up at all hours, and even tho the mess is making me nuts, its there for a reason. I will never experience my children this young again. And most likely we will never have another newborn in the house. So while its hard and I'm exhausted I will enjoy this. I will find the beauty in it, and I will rejoice in my circumstances.
Happy New Year! I hope that it brings blessings and that whatever your goals or changes are, you are able to meet them.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Mes gadol hayah po!
Had you told me 7 years ago where I would be today I would have most likely laughed at you and then in secret felt anger. That is the feeling I had when my soon to be husband told me that he "felt" we would be able to have a child in our marriage. I had for many years known that the conditions I have and medications I had been on for so long would make it impossible to have a child. I had even gone so far to ask my parents if they would welcome an adopted grandchild when the time came. But no, my husband he had a feeling. A feeling that I did not understand, that I was angered to hear, because it took so much to be content in the fact that I would never bear a child from my womb.
Soon after getting married we did conceive a baby, and to our broken heart that baby was taken from us. I thought yes this confirms my knowledge that I was not to carry a child. Yet a couple years later my husband and I decided to try for a baby and began looking into adoption. We had began filing paper work out for fostering when I became pregnant the first month we tried. The pregnancy was rough, so many things happened that year, but that December we welcomed our Tahlia into the world. I was content. I felt a pang of sadness for her that she would most likely not have siblings. I had grown up with many siblings and the thought of her never having similar experiences was fighting to the death or making up games or having a person to tell secrets broke my heart. But for the first time I had hope that if I was able to carry a child I would again be able to carry a child.
So over the next 2.5 years after our daughter was born my husband and I tried to have another baby. Our first pregnancy after we lost, and then the second, then we had the talk. At this point we had lost 3 babies in our marriage, and began to talk about how much longer we were willing to try and lose. We decided 5 would be our number, it seemed such a large number that we would never get there. I never imagined that someone could lose that much. As those 2.5 years continued it became harder and harder to get pregnant, and after our 4th loss we had some testing done. They found I had an imbalance of hormones that could not be corrected, but essentially meant I would have issues getting pregnant and if I did happen to get pregnant it was highly likely the baby would be lost or would have chromosome issues. We got this news the beginning of December 2011. I mourned that Christmas for my family, for my daughter, for myself and the babies I never got to held. My husband still had faith and we continued to try, and got pregnant the end of January. However we again had to say goodbye too soon. We somehow had lost 5 babies. It is a pain I didn't know existed or a pain that I had no idea someone could still stand through. We had reached 5, it was over. I had a peace about the end, a peace that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of loss again, a peace that I wouldn't feel the stress of trying for a baby again, however, the sadness that this was the way our story had ended was overwhelming.
We did not have much time to process our fifth loss, March was so busy. Between work and helping plan my baby brother's wedding it was nonstop. Weeks passed and April 2nd rolled around. It rolled around with weird symptoms so to ease my mind I picked up a pregnancy test to take once I got to work. I had reasoned with myself that there was no way I would be pregnant, but I needed to see it to get it out of my mind. I had never gotten pregnant right after a loss, we had been careful, and it wouldn't happen. That was the biggest surprise of my life. I have never seen a more positive test in my entire life. I was scared, I was sad and I was so angry. I couldn't be excited because I knew how this would end! I knew that after being pregnant 4 times in a row and saying goodbye each time I wouldn't keep this baby, I would again be saying goodbye and I was angry. How could God do this to me?! What had I done to have to endure this pain over and over?!
Mes gadol hayah po....a miracle happened here. A year after being told I couldn't get pregnant and if I did I wouldn't carry a healthy pregnancy I am sitting 6 hours from meeting my son, who fittingly is being born during Hanukkah. God had not punished me that April, he showed me he was in control and that our story was not meant to end in pain, it was meant to end in rejoicing. Today I mourn my babies who I didn't meet, but I celebrate the life I have struggled to carry for the past 40wks. I am overwhelmed with the blessing of my son, I am overwhelmed with the thought that I was blessed to have another baby, I am overwhelmed. I will in 6 hours be meeting my son, my son, the son who is not suppose to medically exist, the son who surprised me and through the journey of this pregnancy has changed me so much. I am not in control, and as much as I would like to think at times I am, it is better that I am not. I have been hammered and thrown in the coals and I am no longer the same person I was a year ago, 6 months ago. My Judah Azariah....my blessing....my son! We name him Judah because it means, "Thankful" and Azariah because it means, "God has helped."
So today, the second day of Hanukkah we scream, "Mes gadol hayah po!" because God has helped and blessed our family with a miracle in this time of remembering the miracles he has done and continues to do.
Soon after getting married we did conceive a baby, and to our broken heart that baby was taken from us. I thought yes this confirms my knowledge that I was not to carry a child. Yet a couple years later my husband and I decided to try for a baby and began looking into adoption. We had began filing paper work out for fostering when I became pregnant the first month we tried. The pregnancy was rough, so many things happened that year, but that December we welcomed our Tahlia into the world. I was content. I felt a pang of sadness for her that she would most likely not have siblings. I had grown up with many siblings and the thought of her never having similar experiences was fighting to the death or making up games or having a person to tell secrets broke my heart. But for the first time I had hope that if I was able to carry a child I would again be able to carry a child.
So over the next 2.5 years after our daughter was born my husband and I tried to have another baby. Our first pregnancy after we lost, and then the second, then we had the talk. At this point we had lost 3 babies in our marriage, and began to talk about how much longer we were willing to try and lose. We decided 5 would be our number, it seemed such a large number that we would never get there. I never imagined that someone could lose that much. As those 2.5 years continued it became harder and harder to get pregnant, and after our 4th loss we had some testing done. They found I had an imbalance of hormones that could not be corrected, but essentially meant I would have issues getting pregnant and if I did happen to get pregnant it was highly likely the baby would be lost or would have chromosome issues. We got this news the beginning of December 2011. I mourned that Christmas for my family, for my daughter, for myself and the babies I never got to held. My husband still had faith and we continued to try, and got pregnant the end of January. However we again had to say goodbye too soon. We somehow had lost 5 babies. It is a pain I didn't know existed or a pain that I had no idea someone could still stand through. We had reached 5, it was over. I had a peace about the end, a peace that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of loss again, a peace that I wouldn't feel the stress of trying for a baby again, however, the sadness that this was the way our story had ended was overwhelming.
We did not have much time to process our fifth loss, March was so busy. Between work and helping plan my baby brother's wedding it was nonstop. Weeks passed and April 2nd rolled around. It rolled around with weird symptoms so to ease my mind I picked up a pregnancy test to take once I got to work. I had reasoned with myself that there was no way I would be pregnant, but I needed to see it to get it out of my mind. I had never gotten pregnant right after a loss, we had been careful, and it wouldn't happen. That was the biggest surprise of my life. I have never seen a more positive test in my entire life. I was scared, I was sad and I was so angry. I couldn't be excited because I knew how this would end! I knew that after being pregnant 4 times in a row and saying goodbye each time I wouldn't keep this baby, I would again be saying goodbye and I was angry. How could God do this to me?! What had I done to have to endure this pain over and over?!
Mes gadol hayah po....a miracle happened here. A year after being told I couldn't get pregnant and if I did I wouldn't carry a healthy pregnancy I am sitting 6 hours from meeting my son, who fittingly is being born during Hanukkah. God had not punished me that April, he showed me he was in control and that our story was not meant to end in pain, it was meant to end in rejoicing. Today I mourn my babies who I didn't meet, but I celebrate the life I have struggled to carry for the past 40wks. I am overwhelmed with the blessing of my son, I am overwhelmed with the thought that I was blessed to have another baby, I am overwhelmed. I will in 6 hours be meeting my son, my son, the son who is not suppose to medically exist, the son who surprised me and through the journey of this pregnancy has changed me so much. I am not in control, and as much as I would like to think at times I am, it is better that I am not. I have been hammered and thrown in the coals and I am no longer the same person I was a year ago, 6 months ago. My Judah Azariah....my blessing....my son! We name him Judah because it means, "Thankful" and Azariah because it means, "God has helped."
So today, the second day of Hanukkah we scream, "Mes gadol hayah po!" because God has helped and blessed our family with a miracle in this time of remembering the miracles he has done and continues to do.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Bed Rest Day 15
I can't believe I've been on bed rest for 15 days now. It feels like forever to be honest. I'm tired of not feeling like mom and wife mostly. This morning was particularly rough. My daughter was so displeased with everything. Dad got her set up with breakfast and a drink and then hugs and kisses and off to work. I got her play dough before laying on the couch and then went and laid down. However as soon as I did the whining began, she needed a new drink, she didn't want her breakfast, she wanted a snack, everything put her into tears. And here I am, I tend to get up more than I should because well, lunches have to be made, even if its quick its up, drinks have to be refilled, and even if you try to time it out it doesn't always work. But I do try to stay immobile the longest time possible that I can. And considering I think I do a pretty darn good job.
Over the past 15 days, we had thanksgiving which as a lot of work, I ended up being up a lot of the day, but I was good the following days. Husband has done well to get dinner for us when he gets home from work, tho the exhaustion on his face is unavoidable. Our daughter has done pretty good. But I do wish I could get up and play with her. We have done a lot of playing while I lay down, but its not expelling energy in the way she should. I am happy she has the one day of preschool a week, or else she really wouldn't have any physical challenges other than the hour or so that hubby chases her around the house.
Its been hard, mentally, physically and emotionally. I go into the doc again tomorrow and hope to spend the remainder of my pregnancy upright.
Over the past 15 days, we had thanksgiving which as a lot of work, I ended up being up a lot of the day, but I was good the following days. Husband has done well to get dinner for us when he gets home from work, tho the exhaustion on his face is unavoidable. Our daughter has done pretty good. But I do wish I could get up and play with her. We have done a lot of playing while I lay down, but its not expelling energy in the way she should. I am happy she has the one day of preschool a week, or else she really wouldn't have any physical challenges other than the hour or so that hubby chases her around the house.
Its been hard, mentally, physically and emotionally. I go into the doc again tomorrow and hope to spend the remainder of my pregnancy upright.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Bed Rest Day 6
Here we are almost a week into bed rest. We made it through daddy being at work just fine yesterday. Did lots of art stuff and played with her baby dolls. Daddy came home to a happy little girl and an OK mommy and a HUGE mess in the living room. So we being the second day of daddy being at work... I really don't have plans, just come up as we go. Our daughter woke up and told daddy that mommy had to stay in bed because the doctor said and could only go potty and take showers all the time. Sweet girl.
Mentally I don't know what I would do without my daughter right now. When they went to church Sunday and left the house for 5 hours I was having such a rough time. Not having any routine or normal made me miserable and I found myself in tears much of that time. But yesterday she kept me going. I had to stay mentally productive if nothing else to be able to keep her going. It wasn't always easy but in the end she was a happy little girl and I wasn't bawling. I am going completely stir crazy and want to get up and do my chores and cook dinner for my family. I've always been good about keeping the house in order and having dinner ready by the time hubby walks in the door. Watching him come in tired to a mess and finish dinner that he began before work kills my soul. But he does it with a smile and very lovingly. We have 20 more days of bed rest until our schedule c-section. However I'm praying hard that this baby decides to come sooner, or that bed rest can become modified. Something, some kind of break.
Mentally I don't know what I would do without my daughter right now. When they went to church Sunday and left the house for 5 hours I was having such a rough time. Not having any routine or normal made me miserable and I found myself in tears much of that time. But yesterday she kept me going. I had to stay mentally productive if nothing else to be able to keep her going. It wasn't always easy but in the end she was a happy little girl and I wasn't bawling. I am going completely stir crazy and want to get up and do my chores and cook dinner for my family. I've always been good about keeping the house in order and having dinner ready by the time hubby walks in the door. Watching him come in tired to a mess and finish dinner that he began before work kills my soul. But he does it with a smile and very lovingly. We have 20 more days of bed rest until our schedule c-section. However I'm praying hard that this baby decides to come sooner, or that bed rest can become modified. Something, some kind of break.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
I have a feeling...
Monday night my husband came home telling me he had a feeling something big was going to happen. I have grown to loath when he says this because 99% of the time his feeling comes true. I am someone who wants to know how and when things will happen and all the ins and outs. "Feelings" are annoying, and vague and I can't stand them. So we went on with our week. Tuesday I got some cleaning done around the house and played with our daughter. Wednesday I got most of thanksgiving shopping done and a surprise lunch outing with our daughter. Then Thursday hit. Began like any other day, I got up and got my daughter and I dressed and walked out the door because today was her day at preschool and I had an OB apt. Drop her off and get to my apt early, end up sitting in the waiting room for 45 minutes and get called back to ultrasound room. Baby was healthy and VERY large for his age, but doing pretty good. Then they take me back to do blood pressure and urine and to see the doc. That is when things began going down hill. I have had a couple of bad readings of blood pressure my last apts and this time it was very high. I was rushed through my visit and sent directly to the hospital for a possible over night watch. The hospital was rough and long, I was kept over night and then I was discharged on bed rest. I have pregnancy induced hypertension and will have to remain on bed rest the remaining portion of the pregnancy.
At this point I have completed 4 days of bed rest and feel I'm going nuts. I have a constant head ache that is killing me. Hubby heads back to work tomorrow and the real fun begins because we have no one who is willing to help or anyone who has time to come and help with our daughter. It will be an adventure! And thanksgiving is this week. My prayer is he comes this week. Anytime this week, I just want him to come!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Tribute to Our Angels
Last night we lit a candle with many other people around the world. To shine a light on the pain that so often is silently endured by families. I had numerous friends who have never personally experienced this loss light candles for angels too. It was remarkable and touching to see so many do something that seems so insignificant and have it mean so much to so many.
In our area there are not any events for this, but several places release balloons with names of babies who have been taken too soon. A dear women from Still Birthday offered to include anyone who sent her a name on balloons in their event. So last night as I watched my candle flicker and shed a tear for our angels, she was sending a balloon up in our place. She has also listed the babies who's families were unable to come. http://www.stillbirthday.com/2012/10/16/we-still-have-work/
I am touched by the amount of support I saw last night. I am touched that so many care. I am touched that even tho these women had no physical attachment to my baby angels they still care about them.
In our area there are not any events for this, but several places release balloons with names of babies who have been taken too soon. A dear women from Still Birthday offered to include anyone who sent her a name on balloons in their event. So last night as I watched my candle flicker and shed a tear for our angels, she was sending a balloon up in our place. She has also listed the babies who's families were unable to come. http://www.stillbirthday.com/2012/10/16/we-still-have-work/
I am touched by the amount of support I saw last night. I am touched that so many care. I am touched that even tho these women had no physical attachment to my baby angels they still care about them.
Monday, October 15, 2012
I Remember....
I remember when I took my first pregnancy test Jan 2007, the fear and the pain I felt knowing that this little baby inside of me had no chance in the world because of medication I was on. I remember feeling alone, I remember crying and curling up in a ball on the bathroom floor, and trembling when I told my husband. I remember right after I had lost the baby becoming so inconsolable that my husband called my mom over who held me not knowing what was going on. I remember feeling alone. We didn't talk to anyone about our loss for a year. We didn't talk to each other about that baby.
I remember when I took another test in April 2009, we had decided to try for a baby, and the test was positive. But full of fear and excitement we ran and began telling people about the baby I was growing inside of me. My husband and I were afraid but as soon as we passed the 7 week mark, passed the only milestone we had ever known, a loss, we felt good and relieved about our pregnancy. Many rough months later, Dec 2009 we had a rainbow miracle baby in our arms. She was perfect and we loved her so much.
I remember May 2010 when we found out we were pregnant again unexpectedly. I was confused and scared because my baby girl was only 5 months old, but I was excited and happy. My husband was terrified lol, but he was happy. We got to hold that baby until I was just past 5wks pregnant and that baby was taken away too soon. I remember when they bleeding happened, the cramping and the emotional pain. I knew what I was losing this time, I could look into my daughter's face and know that her sibling would have looked somewhat like this. It was horrific. I again felt alone. I did tell my mom this time and she said she was sorry, but nothing else was said or done.
I remember Feb 2011 when we had begun trying again for a baby. We had found out the beginning of the month that we were pregnant with that baby. We thought of telling everyone Valentines day of our miracle, never did we dream that the day before we planned to tell we would be saying goodbye. I again curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, only this time my husband was crying with me.
I remember July 2011 when we found out we again had gotten pregnant, this time we had only fear. I wanted to hold and to love this baby, but something inside knew it wasn't going to happen. I said goodbye to that baby at just over 5wks pregnant. My husband and I began talking about not trying, that maybe after all we were only suppose to have our daughter. We clung to her and cried. Looked in her sweet face and knew the love we shared and cried even more.
I remember Feb 2012 after getting the devastating news in Dec that we would most likely be unable to conceive a child, and if we did the child had little chance of making it that we were pregnant. I got sick so quickly with that pregnancy, I had more and more hope as each day passed. And then an ultrasound...there was no baby, everything had developed except the baby. A couple days before my husband's birthday we said goodbye to our fifth angel.
I remember April 2012 after deciding we would never get pregnant again, that the pain we had been through was too much, we were pregnant. I had no hope, I had fear, I had no excitement, I had love. I wanted to know this baby would be fine, but I didn't think it was possible at this point. First ultrasound the baby measured very behind from what it should have and my heart crumbled. I began trying to prepare myself. Days, weeks continued. I had moments where I was sure I was going to have to say goodbye again, I remember standing in the shower holding my stomach crying to God to not make me go through this again, to not force me to say goodbye, pleading that the baby stay with me. I remember each night just repeating over and over, "Baby don't leave me, Baby don't leave me, your mommy loves you so much, please baby don't leave me." That baby thankfully has not left me, and we are looking forward to meeting him in about 7 wks.
Losing a baby changes you, no matter how new that baby is, or how little of time you've known about that baby, it changes you. I am forever changed. I carry a pain and a hole that will never go away. I celebrate the rainbows I've been given every day, and thank God that he has given me my miracles. But today I remember, I remember the joy and the love that I have for my angels. I remember the pain and pray for the other families who are dealing with that pain. Losing a baby should not be something kept silent. These angels are miracles and should be celebrated. I will never be silent or alone again in this. I will speak out for these babies and for the women who feel alone and crippled by pain.
Tonight at 7p.m. we light a candle for the angels. For our babies, for the babies of my friends, for the babies who were taken too soon.
I remember when I took another test in April 2009, we had decided to try for a baby, and the test was positive. But full of fear and excitement we ran and began telling people about the baby I was growing inside of me. My husband and I were afraid but as soon as we passed the 7 week mark, passed the only milestone we had ever known, a loss, we felt good and relieved about our pregnancy. Many rough months later, Dec 2009 we had a rainbow miracle baby in our arms. She was perfect and we loved her so much.
I remember May 2010 when we found out we were pregnant again unexpectedly. I was confused and scared because my baby girl was only 5 months old, but I was excited and happy. My husband was terrified lol, but he was happy. We got to hold that baby until I was just past 5wks pregnant and that baby was taken away too soon. I remember when they bleeding happened, the cramping and the emotional pain. I knew what I was losing this time, I could look into my daughter's face and know that her sibling would have looked somewhat like this. It was horrific. I again felt alone. I did tell my mom this time and she said she was sorry, but nothing else was said or done.
I remember Feb 2011 when we had begun trying again for a baby. We had found out the beginning of the month that we were pregnant with that baby. We thought of telling everyone Valentines day of our miracle, never did we dream that the day before we planned to tell we would be saying goodbye. I again curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, only this time my husband was crying with me.
I remember July 2011 when we found out we again had gotten pregnant, this time we had only fear. I wanted to hold and to love this baby, but something inside knew it wasn't going to happen. I said goodbye to that baby at just over 5wks pregnant. My husband and I began talking about not trying, that maybe after all we were only suppose to have our daughter. We clung to her and cried. Looked in her sweet face and knew the love we shared and cried even more.
I remember Feb 2012 after getting the devastating news in Dec that we would most likely be unable to conceive a child, and if we did the child had little chance of making it that we were pregnant. I got sick so quickly with that pregnancy, I had more and more hope as each day passed. And then an ultrasound...there was no baby, everything had developed except the baby. A couple days before my husband's birthday we said goodbye to our fifth angel.
I remember April 2012 after deciding we would never get pregnant again, that the pain we had been through was too much, we were pregnant. I had no hope, I had fear, I had no excitement, I had love. I wanted to know this baby would be fine, but I didn't think it was possible at this point. First ultrasound the baby measured very behind from what it should have and my heart crumbled. I began trying to prepare myself. Days, weeks continued. I had moments where I was sure I was going to have to say goodbye again, I remember standing in the shower holding my stomach crying to God to not make me go through this again, to not force me to say goodbye, pleading that the baby stay with me. I remember each night just repeating over and over, "Baby don't leave me, Baby don't leave me, your mommy loves you so much, please baby don't leave me." That baby thankfully has not left me, and we are looking forward to meeting him in about 7 wks.
Losing a baby changes you, no matter how new that baby is, or how little of time you've known about that baby, it changes you. I am forever changed. I carry a pain and a hole that will never go away. I celebrate the rainbows I've been given every day, and thank God that he has given me my miracles. But today I remember, I remember the joy and the love that I have for my angels. I remember the pain and pray for the other families who are dealing with that pain. Losing a baby should not be something kept silent. These angels are miracles and should be celebrated. I will never be silent or alone again in this. I will speak out for these babies and for the women who feel alone and crippled by pain.
Tonight at 7p.m. we light a candle for the angels. For our babies, for the babies of my friends, for the babies who were taken too soon.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Stress
Oh the dreaded land of stress. Seems to hit at the best times. You think you finally have a foot on things and BAM! You lose the footing underneath you. Whether its health, money, both...those two things seem to be the worst stress imaginable. Unfortunately this week, well we seem to have our fair share of both.
My 30wk apt went well with the doctor, but there is some concern about the size of the baby and the possibility that I have extra fluid. Could mean nothing, could mean a lot of horrible things. When your pregnant you tend to dwell on the horrible too much.
Then the money. This time of year is always tight for us, we are on the last of our savings from when I was working. So when unexpected things come in the mail, oh it just boils your blood. Needless to say, the last of our emergency fund is gone. God help us for the next few months.
So tonight, sitting alone downstairs feeling my blood pressure in my ears I realized I have let the little and the big things of this week overwhelm me. I have taken the control out of God's hands and have tried to take control myself. As hard as it is I need to let it go. There is a reason behind all of this, there is a plan. God has a plan. Those bills were suppose to come this week, the baby is suppose to be doing what he is doing, the house is ok to be a mess, my daughter at 2 is allowed to have bad tantrum filled days. These are out of my control. I need to trust and give them over to God. He can handle these much better than I can, only with his help will we make it through. It probably wont feel very comfortable, but growing pains never do.
My 30wk apt went well with the doctor, but there is some concern about the size of the baby and the possibility that I have extra fluid. Could mean nothing, could mean a lot of horrible things. When your pregnant you tend to dwell on the horrible too much.
Then the money. This time of year is always tight for us, we are on the last of our savings from when I was working. So when unexpected things come in the mail, oh it just boils your blood. Needless to say, the last of our emergency fund is gone. God help us for the next few months.
So tonight, sitting alone downstairs feeling my blood pressure in my ears I realized I have let the little and the big things of this week overwhelm me. I have taken the control out of God's hands and have tried to take control myself. As hard as it is I need to let it go. There is a reason behind all of this, there is a plan. God has a plan. Those bills were suppose to come this week, the baby is suppose to be doing what he is doing, the house is ok to be a mess, my daughter at 2 is allowed to have bad tantrum filled days. These are out of my control. I need to trust and give them over to God. He can handle these much better than I can, only with his help will we make it through. It probably wont feel very comfortable, but growing pains never do.
Monday, September 17, 2012
I'm not scared, I'm informed
Deciding how to bring a child into the world and what happens to that child in the few days after they come into the world is the hardest decision I have been faced with. Its final, no go backs, no changing tactics or adapting, its final. Parenting while hard you learn as you go, its a curve. You change and adapt as the child teaches you. But getting the kid into the world...no help there.
So you do your reading, you ask the authorities on the matter, you shift through the scare tactics and the gut wrenching stories. You become confused and possibly overwhelmed by everything thrown into your face and then if you have opposition from the people around you, it only makes it worse.
With our daughter we chose to be induced at 39 weeks. When the word got out EVERYONE made it their mission to tell me how wrong I was, and how I was only going to end up with a horrible unneeded emergency c-section, how I was putting my child into unneeded danger. ONLY one lady told me to ignore it all and do what my gut was telling me. I had no medical reason to induce, but our OB was leaving town over our due date, I was in horrible pain (lupus and fibro make pregnancy fun) and it felt right. I can't explain it but it just felt right. So we went in to be induce, got the gel to help soften my cervix and started getting period like cramping, nothing terrible, not even really painful, just uncomfortable. In the process my daughter began having decelerations in her heartbeat and then wasn't recovering. So I was rushed into the OR and a spinal block was placed and my daughter was born, with one of the largest true knots that my OB had ever seen. She had no tolerated any of the mini contractions I was having, I wouldn't have even been at the hospital! No one would have been watching her heartbeat, I could have lost her during labor had I not induced. I went with my gut, I stood strong and I have my daughter to show for it. I will NEVER regret that choice.
So onto baby Judah we were faced with the option of a VBAC. I had been dreaming of having one since we began trying to get pregnant. I had done my research, knew the risks, knew it was a better choice for most women. However soon after beginning our prenatal visits it became apparent to my husband and I that it was not right for Judah. We have some medical reasons, and some personal reasons. I was not talked into it by my OB, in fact my OB said it was up to me and that was the most I have ever heard her talk about it! But in my gut, and after a lot of prayer, Judah will be brought into the world through c-section. From the moment we voiced our choice the attacks began again. Its frustrating to not feel any support by many people. Our family thankfully understands and supports our choice. I hope to know why he needs to be born this way, if not, I am at peace.
So many choices, birth, circumcision...you do your research you make an informed decision, you listen to your gut and the whole world can back off!
So you do your reading, you ask the authorities on the matter, you shift through the scare tactics and the gut wrenching stories. You become confused and possibly overwhelmed by everything thrown into your face and then if you have opposition from the people around you, it only makes it worse.
With our daughter we chose to be induced at 39 weeks. When the word got out EVERYONE made it their mission to tell me how wrong I was, and how I was only going to end up with a horrible unneeded emergency c-section, how I was putting my child into unneeded danger. ONLY one lady told me to ignore it all and do what my gut was telling me. I had no medical reason to induce, but our OB was leaving town over our due date, I was in horrible pain (lupus and fibro make pregnancy fun) and it felt right. I can't explain it but it just felt right. So we went in to be induce, got the gel to help soften my cervix and started getting period like cramping, nothing terrible, not even really painful, just uncomfortable. In the process my daughter began having decelerations in her heartbeat and then wasn't recovering. So I was rushed into the OR and a spinal block was placed and my daughter was born, with one of the largest true knots that my OB had ever seen. She had no tolerated any of the mini contractions I was having, I wouldn't have even been at the hospital! No one would have been watching her heartbeat, I could have lost her during labor had I not induced. I went with my gut, I stood strong and I have my daughter to show for it. I will NEVER regret that choice.
So onto baby Judah we were faced with the option of a VBAC. I had been dreaming of having one since we began trying to get pregnant. I had done my research, knew the risks, knew it was a better choice for most women. However soon after beginning our prenatal visits it became apparent to my husband and I that it was not right for Judah. We have some medical reasons, and some personal reasons. I was not talked into it by my OB, in fact my OB said it was up to me and that was the most I have ever heard her talk about it! But in my gut, and after a lot of prayer, Judah will be brought into the world through c-section. From the moment we voiced our choice the attacks began again. Its frustrating to not feel any support by many people. Our family thankfully understands and supports our choice. I hope to know why he needs to be born this way, if not, I am at peace.
So many choices, birth, circumcision...you do your research you make an informed decision, you listen to your gut and the whole world can back off!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Oatmeal+Flour+Sugar+Toddler
Today has been a long day. I'm sick and not feeling up to doing a whole lot, my daughter is getting bored easily. So what to do....tried coloring with her, did our preschool work, playdough, babies, but kids do better moving and staying active when they see you staying active. When your stuck to the couch trying to rest and get better, well they want to just lay around and watch TV. In our case resulting in behavior going down the drain. So cookies!
As I was setting up to make cookies the worst thing possible! NO BUTTER!!!!! AW! I had already told her that we would be making cookies, she was dancing around the kitchen and I couldn't break the news that we couldn't because we didn't have butter. So I looked and looked for a no butter recipe that didn't sound horrible, found one and adapted it a bit. We poured, counted, mixed, giggled...we made cookies. Add a little heat and snack time was ready.
As I was setting up to make cookies the worst thing possible! NO BUTTER!!!!! AW! I had already told her that we would be making cookies, she was dancing around the kitchen and I couldn't break the news that we couldn't because we didn't have butter. So I looked and looked for a no butter recipe that didn't sound horrible, found one and adapted it a bit. We poured, counted, mixed, giggled...we made cookies. Add a little heat and snack time was ready.
Dairy Free Oatmeal Cookies
1.5 C Flour
1.5 C Oats (if you want thicker cookies I would add 1/2 C)
1tsp Baking Soda
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
3/4 tsp Salt
1 tsp Cinnamon
1/2C White Sugar
1 C Brown Sugar
1.5 C Oil
2 Eggs
1.5 tsp Vanilla
Preheat the oven for 350, after mixing the dry add the wet ingredients (it mixes really easily), roll into balls and place on lined cookie sheet, bake about 10min (until golden brown).
The cookies look thin and look like they would be crispy, but if you keep a close eye and don't let them overcook they are very moist! Enjoy!
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