I realize its been a long time since I sat and wrote. Things have been interesting to put it mildly...
Since writing last we had our fifth miscarriage in March. It was a bitter and horrible miscarriage because it marked what my husband and I had agreed on after we lost our second baby, where we would stop. We would no longer try to have a baby, our family could not go through anymore pain. It was so painful in so many ways. It was saying goodbye to a dream while watching my sister in law who was around 30weeks pregnant get hers. I lost the precious baby March 3rd.
March 23rd was when my brother and soon to be sister in law (mentioned aboved) were set to be married. Was a beautiful wedding, and I was so happy for them! A lot of work had gone into this wedding as does in any wedding, we all were relieved to be done. At this point it had been almost 3 weeks since I lost our 5th angel, and I was coming to terms with being done, I hurt still from losing the baby, but the relief that we wouldn't have to be in that position again was beginning to grow.
April 2nd....My dad's birthday...wasn't feeling too right...was a little late for my period (tho not uncommon after a loss)...took a test...and yelled OMFG!!!!!!! Yeah....I was at work and had picked up a pregnancy test just to ease my mind and help me continue to move forward. The STRONG positive on the test?! Yeah wasn't in the plan, and caught me off guard. I didn't know what to do. I was shocked and confused and so very scared.
A few weeks later my husband and I walked hand in hand to the OBGYN and watched the ultrasound screen almost too afraid to look...and then, the most beautiful sound a mother and father can hear, a heartbeat. Our little bean who at this point had stuck past the dreaded 6wk mark (4 out of 5 of my miscarriages have been before 6wks). Joy with the mixture of fear filled us. We still were not sure this baby would make it, but we celebrated that the baby was with us at that point.
Let us fast forward to present. I am currently 21wks pregnant with that little surprise bean we have come to call Elfy. We find out tomorrow what sex the baby is. We are still stunned that we are here, that we have this chance again. There are days that fear brings me to the brink of tears and others that the joy makes me want to dance and tell everyone about our little miracle. I cannot wait to be able to meet this baby, to hold and to thank the Lord that He gave us another miracle. I find myself still unable to imagine holding this baby, too much has been lost and this has been a transition of thought that hasn't been smooth. We still hold our daily fears that this is too good to be true and the baby will soon leave us. However, we look forward and enjoy each day that we get to share with out little Elfy.
