Boxes

Today I finished unpacking the last room of our new home. Our office/school room, in a few weeks we will begin our first year of homeschooling. I'm terrified honestly that I am going to mess this up. My little Tahly is so excited tho, she began dancing around the room today looking at all the supplies that magically came out of boxes that she had counted as lost in KY.

Today Earl was given a job offer. Which means we wont have to face the lines of unemployment, but the pay is a little less, which means becoming even more creative with the lacking budget already. When I first heard the job offer it stirred up a lot of anger, then I felt like weeping. But after some reflection, I have come to this conclusion. We have been trying to get a different job for Earl for several years now. He's gone on interviews, gone all the way to drug screening and they have all fallen through. So as I turned down our street tonight I audibly heard, "I made you stay with S______ P_______ P________ because I wanted you to move to MO, I'm taking you where I want you to be." So I'll shut up, I'll swallow my pride. This is a good thing, I am thankful for the provision for my family.

Earl also began counseling with the pastor at our new church. A completely different approach, a game plan, something. He came home excited about it, and felt comfortable with the pastor who was open with him. It felt different this time, he didn't feel judged and turned away. I am thankful for the new church and the people inside of it.

We begin new. I hope to find my smile again, so many tears lately, not all from the marriage issues, but still, too many tears. I want to be whole again and enjoy this new life we have embarked on.

Brutal Honesty

"Did you feel your needs were being met?" Those words keep swimming in my mind, and every time they circle they sting and they cut a little more. This is what my husband was asked when sitting down with the pastor from the church we were attending when it came out that he had been hiding numerous electronic devices in our home for years to sneak copious amounts of porn and other activities that went outside what should have been an exclusive relationship. Most of our marriage in fact was mired with images of other women. And while many people in the world do not view porn as cheating. When you chose that over a normal sexual relationship with your wife, it is cheating. He had reached that level.

In response to finding out I felt shattered. I questioned when he stopped being attracted to me, why I wasn't enough for him, when he stopped loving me. I was broken, I still am broken and my self esteem is nonexistent. We had at one point sat down with our pastor and a deacon from the church and their wives, a one time meeting. During that meeting the pastor asked my husband, "Did you feel your needs were being met when you felt the desire to engage in these activities?"

As the months have passed since this came to light that is the one question that has bothered me to no end, "Did you feel your needs were being met?" As if to say if I had been better in bed, or had I been more willing to try things out of my comfort zone, or had I been able to give myself to him everyday or at every moment he wanted. Sitting there having the pastor ask my husband that and then having him say no that his needs were not always being met broke many things in me.

As I continue to work through the shambles of what this has done to a marriage, as I continue to see where this takes us and work through the ups and downs that follow...that statement haunts me. It has aided in my feeling of worthlessness. It angers me. I did not chose to go outside my marriage, I did not chose to look at other men and chose other men over my husband....my needs in several areas were not, "Being met". But I didn't make the Choice to go outside my marriage. Instead on several occasions I raised my concerns and desires. Am I really the one who has to take responsibility of my husband's lack of control, lack of commitment to our marriage? I have felt stranded through this, I feel that instead of support I was blamed on various occasions.

"Were your needs being met?" That question shouldn't have been asked. When is a marriage about you? When is it more important to seek self needs and neglect the needs of a spouse? Had eyes not been on "His needs" and more on the needs of his family and wife, I wonder if this story would have been different. So maybe the question that should have been asked was, "Were you meeting the needs of your family and wife when you engaged in these activities, or acted on these desires?"

I am not naive enough to believe that this would never be an issue for a man. Men are visual creatures and well this amazing age of technology makes it so easy, so appealing, so snarling. I look at my son and cry at times knowing that eventually, no matter how much I protect him, he will have to face these choices and will struggle with these things. It pains me to look on his sweet innocent face and know that this grime most likely will mire that innocence. I hope though that I can teach him how to show respect and love to a wife, and give him tools that help him fight these destructive desires.

Baggage

I feel burdened
I feel broken
I feel alone
I feel devastated
I feel scared

The fresh start reeks
It reeks of old and tears
More pain
More baggage
Will this hell ever end?

I feel disappointed
I feel so hurt
I feel so worried
The fear is overwhelming

I saw the signs once more
Only this time I wasn't so naive
I knew
Lies began to pour
Each drop reopened wounds
Wounds more jagged
I worry if they could heal

I remember the vows
I remember my purity
I remember my joy
I remember my love
I remember my trust
I remember being cherished

The vows have been broken
They have been trampled in the dust
My purity was scorned
My purity was not protected
My joy is a memory
My love now hurts
My trust dissolved in the blood of each wound

I am not cherished
I am not loved
I am not......
enough

This baggage I carry
The weight is immense
I don't know how much more I can pack in these bags
My heart hurts
My wounds are gushing blood
I pray one day this hell ends